“Some Nights…”

Sometimes…it still hurts.

On nights when I’m alone at home,
Simply writing or scrolling through my phone…

I think of you.

Especially when I’m on Instagram and I’m searching for a photo for my blog but I end up seeing that picture of you and I. And I don’t know why I keep it up there.
Maybe it’s because I still care.
It’s been a minute since I spoke to you or you spoke to me, so every time you come into my thoughts I just, let it be.
I still pray for you; I always do.
And I wonder sometimes if you ever pray for me too, or if you’ve completely moved on and never think about me. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever see you again.
Even though we live in the same town, I never seem to see you around.

I have moved on, don’t mistake that. There are just days…well, mostly nights when I still want you back.
Because I don’t deny that I ever loved you. And I don’t deny that I ever wonder what it would have been like if wed stuck it out.
If we’d both pushed past our personal doubts and just tried to make it work.
Honestly because of where each of us was, I think it would still end with both of us hurt.

Don’t think I never loved you, or never thought or think about you.
Because sometimes…I still do.
And I don’t do it to torture myself, or to find and excuse to be sad or mad or feel hurt and used.
Despite all that happened…you’re still my friend. A brother-in-Christ who’s inspired me. Without knowing you held my hand through six to seven months of anxiety and fear. There were too many times I cried too many tears.

But I’m over it. I’m better now.

Because there was Someone better who gently pulled me away from you. Who took my hand out of yours because I wasn’t strong enough to,
Admit that you were killing me.

I was killing me.

Always thinking and wondering and caring about you. So much so that it was difficult for me to see myself dying away.
No but these days, I think of you differently because I think of me differently. I care for myself because I care about the God I belong to, and how I’m living for Him. I am beginning to understand that He is all my life stands for.
Nothing less, but so much more.
All I say and do, should be dictated by whether I am praising and pleasing my Savior.
Not you.

I no longer waste my time trying to love those who don’t even try to love me back. I’ve been blessed abundantly with family and friends, who would chase after me for days on end, not because I have something to offer them or, because they receive gifts that I always send. 

They love me for me. Simply because I am me. 

And I don’t fret over whether you love and care about me because I am set on loving and caring for myself. I’ve learned that self-love is one of the strongest there is. It isn’t as healing as my Father’s agape love, but it certainly still heals in ways another person’s love could never make me feel. 

So yes…sometimes and some nights…it still hurts. 
But it doesn’t hurt for long. 

💙 Mishy 🦋

Cabo Vacation Re-Cap

Hey guys!

Honestly, this isn’t the first post I wrote for today; I wrote something about post-vacay depression because it hit me really hard as soon as I got back to my apartment this afternoon. I tried to ease back into my normal by unpacking and doing laundry, trying to get things in order, and setting aside clothes for church tomorrow, and each activity made my heart ache even more than before.

But How Was Cabo Tho?

Cabo was AMAZING. I posted a lot of pictures on Instagram about what we were doing almost every day (sorry not sorry) – snorkeling, driving ATVs, riding a boat to the beach and a few famous Cabo sites, getting a massage, relaxing by the poolside – these images can’t even do the trip justice. It was a vacation each one of us needed, especially since we hadn’t been together for a long time.

A few people wondered if I would vlog the trip, and even though it would have made a really sweet vlog, there were a couple of reasons why I didn’t vlog…

  1. Cameras: Unfortunately, I’ve lost my cameras, and I think they’re lost for good. I’ve tried all that I can to relocate them, but I think they’re gone, guys. I sometimes still have waves of worry and hurt because of my perfectionism: “It’s my fault that I don’t have them anymore, and how could I have been so careless and forgetful about where I had them?” but I’m slowly getting over it. You may be thinking, “Mishy, you could have just filmed on your iPhone…it takes HD videos too.” But here’s where number two comes in…
  2. Presence: I would have been totally distracted during my vacation had I tried to vlog most of the time. Sure, I was still a little distracted taking pictures, and even with some things like the song with SodTp dropping, and promoting my website dropping next week. But, I would have worried more about what my vacation looked like than what it actually was. And I know that would have regretted doing that, even if the footage would have been amazing.

So, no vlogging on vacation. I just think I enjoyed myself more than if I had tried to. I hope to get back to it, though, once I can get some things in order. I’ve just got a lot going on right now, and it’s hard to juggle everything at once.

Post.Vacay.Depression

I walked into my apartment, weary of the short trek I’d taken from my car and up the stairs to my front door. I dreaded hearing the empty echoes of my footsteps across the living room floors, and the silence met with me shuffling along to get myself and my stuff through the door and to my room.

A curtain of relief fell upon my shoulders as I heard the quiet voice of one of my roommates, who was sitting in her bedroom. It didn’t completely take the emptiness I was feeling away, but it did cheer me up.

Since coming home this afternoon, I’ve been doing laundry, taking inventory of my pantry for grocery shopping tomorrow, and organizing/cleaning things in my room. I tried to listen to some music, but a lot of what I wanted to listen to reminded me of my trip and my friends, and it was too sentimental. I swear, I’ve been on the verge of tears all afternoon.

I’m so grateful for the time I had last week. I’m grateful for the concert I went to before I traveled, and all of the traveling safety that the Lord provided. And right now, I’m trying to be grateful to be home. But I’m really struggling. So much so that I’m scrambling to find new music to listen to, I’ve ordered pizza and ice cream for myself, started a new Netflix show to keep my away from reality, and talked to my best friend (whom I just saw yesterday, mind you) for almost an hour-and-a-half.

The post-vacay depression is so real.

I have such a hard time when exciting things end, as I’m sure everyone else does. Like when a concert is over, everyone is sad because they don’t want it to be over. I expressed my sadness to my roommate, and explained that I would rather have something else exciting happen, or my work week immediately start than admit that the exciting event or concert or vacation is over.

And after briefly talking with her about it, and sitting here eating pizza and watching The Carmichael Show on Netflix to try to suppress the sad feelings, I realize that I really need to process through what’s happened, no matter how much it hurts…

I went to a concert last Friday, and had a blast.

The next morning, I flew out to Mexico, and spent one whole week doing things I’d never done in a place I’d never been before. I laughed harder than I’d laughed in a while. While I was in Mexico, the week back home was normal – work was still happening. My friends were going about their daily lives. I missed one whole normal week here at home in exchange for the best summer vacation I’ve ever had.

And now it’s over. And yes, it’s sad that it’s over – my best friend is back in our hometown for another week. I’m preparing myself mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually for this new upcoming week (even though I am slightly pushing the feelings down with food and Netflix). Even writing out this blog is helping me accept what my reality is.

Next week is a big week; there are only a few days left until some major things happen. In order for things to run smoothly, I need to allow myself the time to ease back into my normal routine, even if I don’t like the feeling of it. Even if it makes my  heart ache, and miss the times and experiences I had.

Praising the Lord that this post-vacay depression is slowly starting to ease up. I think every hour back home makes it a little easier on me.

I’m done with vacation. Now I’m back on the grind.

💙 Mishy 🦋

“To Be Yourself” (“April 9” poem)

Good morning from Cabo San Lucas, Mexico!

I’ve been here for a couple of days already, but I haven’t been blogging because of all the busyness. But here I am! I hope your week has gotten off to a great start.

My week has started off rather lovely. For those who don’t know, I wrote a poem that has been featured in a song titled “April 9” created by SodTp (you can find it on Spotify and iTunes under the artist name “SodTp”). Only pieces of the poem have been used for the song, so here is the full-version of the poem!

I hope that “April 9” and “To Be Yourself” speak to you and inspire you in some way, shape, or form. Even though it’s difficult to want to be someone else or have what someone else has, or to hear those criticisms from the people in your life, you are you, and it’s time to embrace who you are and where you are in life.

And I’ve said this so many times, but THANK YOU to SodTp for the opportunity to share my words on this track, to the people who’ve been following SodTp and now follow me and have expressed such love and support

I give you, “To Be Yourself.”

To Be Yourself

There are days in which I wish that I could
Sit in the skin of another person.
There are times I wanna
Take pieces and parts of other people,
And place them on top of me to
Hide what’s within.
To hide my soul.
To hide who I really am.

And I know sometimes you get like that too.
You’d rather be somebody else than
Embrace everything that you are.
But you don’t need to look farther than yourself.

It’s time to stop frontin’;
To stop pretending to be somethin’ or
Or someone you’re not.
You’re the only you the world has to claim.
There may be someone out there who has the
Same name as you but
You were intricately woven and
Uniquely designed, yes,
There are things in this world you were specifically chosen for.
But you gotta stop lookin’ everywhere else to
Be who you wanna be.

To be yourself.

#MishyWrites #April9

💙 Mishy 🦋

So Much Stronger.

I was reading my Bible this morning, and as I was flipping towards Acts (where I am currently reading), I opened up in Matthew, and a note card lay there.

On one side was a small list of “Jesus is…” notes I had made back when I was on Tybee Island. And on the other side in yellow Sharpie, these words were written:

“You are SO MUCH STRONGER than what he makes you feel like.”

I had to think about the context of this note card, and once I remembered, it amazed me to think how far I’d come since this situation.

These words were from a friend of mine, who had just heard the recent developments that I’d given her about the circumstance, and this was one of the lines she’d sent me in her many text messages. I wrote it down on a note card, and stuck it on my bedroom wall back on Tybee to remind me of the conversation, and to remind me that it was definitely true.

And as soon as I saw this note card, I knew I wanted to write about it. I knew I wanted to share it and the thoughts I had about it with people I knew were going through a similar situation I went through.

But this note card and its saying honestly speak volumes to me; because the “he” could be “it” or “they.” As a Christian, I believe that I am so much stronger than what I feel like sometimes – I’m so much stronger than the feelings of worry or fear. I am so much stronger than the circumstances of my life because I depend on the power of Jesus. I am more than a conqueror.

Now, of course, there are days when I don’t believe it as much. The world can really push my and your buttons sometimes, and our situations can make us believe that we are inadequate to handle them. They can make us feel that we are weak, incapable of getting out of the hole that we’ve found ourselves at the bottom of, unsure of how we got there. And I think it’s helpful as Christians to be reminded that, yes, although we are humans who make mistakes, we have the Holy Spirit instilled in us to help us through our circumstances, to push us further than we could on our own, to make us braver than we ever could be.

Yes, with the Holy Spirit, we are SO MUCH STRONGER than we could ever imagine. And thinking all of this makes me really want to challenge myself to affirm this thought every day. Because it’s easy to say, “Well, yeah, I have the Holy Spirit, and He’s powerful…,” but to really rest in that, and to live moment by moment, even through the difficulties of life, knowing that the capability to surpass that loneliness, that rejection, that fear of failure is within me? I mean, how powerful is that? I feel like it’s so powerful, I’m not even sure I can comprehend it in this life, but I pray that I can have a glimpse of it.

So tonight, I want to assure you – yes, you, dear reader – that you are SO MUCH STRONGER than whatever is going on in your life right now. That you are capable of moving past the hurt that others have brought upon you. That you are secure enough and strong enough to surrender your worries and fears to the Lord because He cares for you.

Through Christ, you are SO MUCH STRONGER than…[fill in the blank].

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋

Second Wind

THE MONTH OF JUNE IS HERE!

I mean, it’s been here, and already it has brought a lot of busyness, more busyness and business than last month did. A lot of last minute things have been planned and are happening, and even though I’m feeling a little mentally, emotionally, and spiritually shook, I feel like I’m starting to come out of a little hole I’ve been in for a couple of weeks. I’m asking the Lord for strength to help me push through it.

Shout out to the people who’ve been constantly encouraging me during this time. Even if we never really talked about what was happening with me, and you’ve been praying for me, you’ll have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers!

With all the website stuff coming to a climax, things still needing to get done for that, lots of things in my personal life changing, and then me going on vacation in 5 days, things are just going to be getting busier. And all of these things can make my creative process suffer because of frustration, anger, or fear.

But that’s okay – I feel like I’ve caught my second wind, and I’m ready to embrace it, and to allow God to move through it. I was taught to be a fighter, to never give up. And I am more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus.

So, with all that being said, I’m sitting on my bedroom floor, two suitcases halfway packed for Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, and writing project stuff surrounding me. I still need to shower, still need to pick out an outfit for work tomorrow, preset my coffee maker, make my lunch for tomorrow, and actually get some sleep.

They never said the grind would be easy. As a good friend tells me all the time – if it were easy, everyone would be doing it.

Sorry if this post is hopping all over the place, I honestly feel like it’s capturing my train of thoughts right now. So, I’ll spare you reading anymore, and leave this post the way it is.

If this post doesn’t capture the essence of #JustStartWriting, I don’t know what does!

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋

another writer’s rant (sorry lol)

There are some poets, thinkers, writers that I follow, and you know, I honestly long to be like them.

They’re able to tweet such profound thoughts that just click with you immediately, causing you to want to retweet instantly. Their writings also fit you like the perfect puzzle piece, as if they’d been spying on you during a season of your life, and decided to write works based on your experiences.

The power to relate to people – that is something I long for.

Not to say that I haven’t had those moments; I’ve had people comment on my posts, or message me saying that they really related to what I wrote about. And in those moments, I am grateful and super humbled. Like, who am I that someone should feel touched by my writing?

I know that that isn’t all my writing is about; there’s definitely more to it than just wanting to connect with people, although that is a huge motivator as to why I do it.

But connecting with people can also be a major pressure. I will admit, after I got some attention and recognition for my piece “Some Nights,” I was tempted in two major ways:

1. Believing  I Had “Made It”

Did I accomplish something cool and amazing? Yes, and I will forever be grateful for it because it was an opportunity given to me. But it was just a step; a major step that would really push me and motivate me to work towards some major goals. But nothing that would totally define me as “making it.” There’s still work to do.

And I think this type of thinking is something that’s hindering me from working. Even though I am pretty much on the bottom of the food chain here, I feel pride wanting to step in and be like, “Well, you accomplished this already, people should be asking you to do this or that. Or this opportunity should be open to you.” Pride even comes when nothing’s been said about my writing, and I’ve worked so hard on it. Like, I put out a piece or a thought that I think is pretty well-written and then there’s silence. And I’m like…”Well did NO ONE read it?”

These are just honest thoughts I’ve had, but haven’t dwelled on knowing that if I dwell on them for too long, I’ll really start to believe it. And I’m just being honest because I’m only human; I’m definitely not perfect, and it’s a battle and struggle every day to, as Kendrick Lamar says, “sit down, be humble.”

2. “Give the People What They Want”

It’s also difficult sometimes to have people watching and waiting for your writing. Even though as a writer, it’s something I desire – like I want people to be impatient to read what I have next – but once I started getting a little more attention because of my writing, I found I had to work really hard to focus on God and my life, goals, etc. Being in constant prayer is a must; I am incapable of being selfless without the help of the Holy Spirit.

And focusing on what others’ want to hear from me is a major temptation, but it never produces anything genuine, or anything I feel comfortable with sharing.

Writing for other people, although super tempting to do, just isn’t good. I mean, yeah, eventually I want to be writing for other people, meaning I want to write a book for people to read. And I don’t see a problem in writing a piece or poem for someone asking for it specifically for a project or song or whatever.

But I never want to write something based on the sole reason that it’s “what the people want.” Because the saying goes “give the people what they want,” but when it comes to dictating what I write, I honestly don’t want to be that writer. I want whatever I write to be God-inspired because I know that if it is so, the people who need to read it or hear it will hear it or read it in the exact time they need it because the Lord wills it so.

I honestly don’t know where any of what I just wrote came from. Just some thoughts cycling in the back of my mind as I go throughout my day, I guess.

“Everyday grind.” a friend just texted me. And it’s no lie, it is a grind for real.

Prayers appreciated! And, if you anyone else feels like this – be it about writing, or anything else they’re passionate about – I’d love to know your thoughts! Email me, tweet at me, DM me, I feel like all my social media is pretty known!

Sweet dreams, luvvies!

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋

 

walls.

“Story of my life I can’t quite comprehend. Don’t tell me if you know how it ends.”

These are some words from one of my favorite artists, The Rocket Summer i.e. Bryce Avary from his song “Walls.”

Honestly, I’ve been quite discouraged about where I am in my work. I’ve gotten pretty distracted by other projects, and other changes happening in my life (like work schedules and wisdom teeth surgery), and I feel like the clock is winding down on everything I need to accomplish, and because I’ve been doing a poor job at accomplishing things, I just need to surrender and realize it’s not going to get done.

I’ve been so discouraged that I almost didn’t do a #MotivationalMishyMonday tonight on Instagram live. Yes, I initially forgot about it, but the truth of the matter is, once I realized I needed to do it, I didn’t want to because I as feeling down and out. How could an unmotivated person like me go on Instagram and try to be all motivational for other people?

Just as I wrote about in my last post about being single, I was tempted to create another wall; a wall that hindered me from doing the work I knew needed to get done. A wall that discouraged me from even taking a step in the right direction towards accomplishing my goals. A wall of keeping silent about struggling through being unmotivated. And wanting to build this wall made me not want to do an IG live.

“I’ll help you break the walls down.”

But I’m so glad I went live; because I was very honest with the people who were live with me about how I was feeling about everything I was working on, and each person gave me some amazing pieces of advice that I feel like I needed to hear.

Even though I expressed this a little during the live, I want to thank each and every person who was there and who encouraged me, or even just talked to me tonight. Even though we may not know each other well or personally, your presence was needed in this exact moment in my life, and the Lord knew it.

This isn’t to say that people who didn’t join the live weren’t or aren’t as helpful to me in my times of discouragement. But here in this moment, I needed to hear the words that were said (or typed). I normally go on IG live to encourage others, but a lot of the time, I find that I am encourage by the people who join.

So, with another week officially started, I am willing to really re-prioritize why I’m doing all that I’m doing (thank you, Hannah). I’m ready to keep praying more and seeking the Lord on all that is going on. I’m ready to change my space; to rearrange some things so that my mind isn’t distracted by things surrounding me (thank you, Brittany). I am currently texting my best friend about what’s going on, telling her my feelings, and asking for advice and prayer (thank you, MiMi).

Thank you all for helping break my walls down. Thank you to Bryce Avary for writing and making music that will help re-focus my intentions, and express what I’m feeling. Thank You, Jesus, for a three-day weekend, and another start to a new week.

Philippians 4:13 – “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.”

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋