“the frustration of a fan.” – Day 11 of #12DaysofChristmas

On the 11th day of Christmas, Mishy gave to us…

“the frustration of a fan.”

*DISCLAIMER / EXPLANATION: I understand that there’s a difference between a fan being appreciative, and a fan who’s a legit fanatic – who turns appreciation into obsession to the point of stalking, or any other invasion of a celebrity’s privacy. I do not condone the latter; every person, whether well-known or not, deserves respect and privacy. This poem is about being a respectful fan who doesn’t feel appreciated by the person they admire, despite their respectful love. I also understand that celebrities have duties, and are short on time, so they can’t thank EVERY SINGLE FAN of theirs. This poem is based off of a specific instance I experienced with ONE particular person I admired. Okay. Continue LOL.

I gave you my love and you took it for granted.

It may be odd to many of you that I feel so strongly about this but honestly, I’m hurt, and
I can’t stand it.
It hurt to see that I’d been accepted into what seemed to be an inner circle, but then removed when my love wasn’t “good” enough.
I’m sorry if you wanted more, but out of my own circumstances, that was all I had,
And tough luck getting anything “good” from me because I know I’m worth more than that.
I think it’s unfair how you pick favorites;
How you’re not even that famous yet, but choose only those who are the stereotypical
Pretty and gorgeous, no,
You should be thankful for every fan you have.
Every “I love you” said or emoji that’s read in your Instagram comments.
Because you touched a soul, you influenced someone’s mind,
And they’re willing to go above and beyond to say how much they appreciate you,
How much you mean to them,
And, if they can, spend a little time with you because
They know you’re special; they can feel it in their heart.
But all of that means nothing if you take their love for you and laugh
And pick apart how they showed it to you…

“That was it? Removed.”
“She keeps tweeting me, ugh. Blocked.”
“He keeps commenting heart-eyes on every pic, and bruh, I just wish that he would stop.”

So you, as the fan, as the admirer,
Are left in silence while everyone else who is
Pretty enough,
Forward enough,
Flirty enough,
Good enough
Gets noticed.

I don’t wanna ever be like that.
I don’t wanna roll my eyes at someone who can’t help but express how much they love who I am and what I do.
It’s people like that who are the reason I say this often, “I can’t do this without you.”
Without the love and support, where would I be?
Definitely not putting out my words for you to hear,
Or watching you watch me when I make it to the stage.

I learned something from this – you can’t be too greedy when it comes to appreciation.
As someone who’s looked up to, you can never know the frustration of a fan
Who doesn’t feel loved or appreciated back.

Be kind. Stay humble.

~ written on June 22, 2017 at 11:32pm

#MishyWrites #12DaysofPoetry

“When you miss your flight…” – Day 10 of #12DaysofPoetry

On the 10th day of poetry, Mishy gave to us…

“When you miss your flight…”

And in that moment, You stopped me.
Stopped my heart and mind from the worries and stresses that this world so often hands me,
And I felt Your gentle Voice whisper,
“You’re okay.”

I also felt the guilt. I replayed the events of only minutes before, and saw the ugliness that my flesh so easily dealt out without stopping to think twice how my actions could hurt me and my friend more.

We apologized; we’re all good. But as I sit in this little seat, and think upon my words and thoughts, I can’t help but be a little grateful despite the frustration.

You’re still teaching me things. Still revealing to me the dark depths of my soul that I so often overlook to declare that I’m a good person as a whole.

We all like to believe that we’re good people, in general.

But to show me that I still have things to improve on, that I still need Your grace and mercy to make the right moves, and to remain insightful and humble because I’m such a handful?

Man. It’s only proof that You hear my prayers to mold me into someone more like You, someone better.

And for that, I thank You. I may be fumbling through this, but I know You steady me anyway. If this is what it takes to grow, Lord, test me any day.

Just by simply sitting in this chair, and thinking about the things I’ve lost, the things that went wrong, You slowly showed me that You’re still in control, that this was Your plan all along.

~ written on the flight to Denver to get to Cabo, after missing our original flight. 7:29am

#MishyWrites #12DaysofPoetry

“no. 07082017- Day 9 of #12DaysofPoetry

On the 9th day of poetry, Mishy gave to us…

“no. 07082017”

Is it bad that I feel unsympathetic to your plight?
That I dream of nights when you like awake in bed, unable to get thoughts of me out of your head?
What I look like, sound like, smell like, laugh like…
What is it like to live without me?
Is it bad that i hope you’re drowning in regret?
That I hope you see me as the girl that got away? That even though you may go about your business with other girls in your midst, that in the back of your mind I sit there and wait
Patiently. Ever so, patiently.
Is it sad that I even think such vengeful thoughts towards you? Is forgiveness even a word in my vocabulary if all I want is for you to admit that without me,
You’re unsteady?

Forgive me.

I feel like the part of me that wants to say these thoughts are okay,
Is just the part of me that wants to protect myself; the part of me that doesn’t want to let anymore demons in because there have been one too many who’ve gotten under my skin to ravage the hope and purity that’s within, I
Wish that those from my past could see the mess they’ve caused.
I wish they could see how lost I had been for days, weeks, months, thank God not years.
He thankfully took a hold of me before my fears could get ahead of me.
I wish that those from my past could see the beauty they’ve planted.
The person I am today couldn’t exist without the many lessons I’ve learned throughout my life but sometimes still take for granted.

Man.

I’m sorry I feel unsympathetic to your plight.
I’m sorry I hope nightmares upon you as you live your life.
My heart and mind just wanna fight off anything that’s gonna keep me down.
But it shouldn’t be like this; self care shouldn’t be like this…
Or should it?

~ written on May 8, 2017 at 3:15pm

#MishyWrites #12DaysofPoetry

“soul music.” – Day 8 of #12DaysofPoetry

On the 8th day of poetry, Mishy gave to us…

“soul music.”

Crazy how I can now listen to the songs that reminded me so much of you, but hurt too much to play back then.
Crazy that I can feel more positive nostalgia and vibes from the artists I once constantly replayed, and can now play yet again.
Crazy how you’ve been taken out of the equation, out of the music that used to define our relationship, I
No longer avoid this music any longer.
I embrace it with all that it is, not what it used to stand for.

You’re not there anymore. No,
Whatever was left of you in these lyrics, this music,
Has been erased and placed somewhere other than in the forefront of my mind.
I sought comfort with these artists, yet, they were also yours to admire, and I
Couldn’t stand that we both shared something I always went back to,
Something I always desired to keep close to me.

For too long, I had to keep it at a distance.

Some months or years later, and I can listen and reminisce on the good memories and
Fun times. My heart and stomach don’t ache to think that you’re listening to the same thing I’m listening to.
To think that whatever sounds and songs made you feel the same way I felt just seemed
Too good to be true.

So, I sought my soul music elsewhere.

And I discovered a whole new world of tunes, better musicians that could soothe
My aching heart from all the lies you so carefully crafted into two connecting arcs.
Sometimes I can’t keep them in  my car, on my phone, or in my head for all they do is make me think back to those times, when I was questioning with dread why I even had to endure it.

Then I read all the lines above this one, and I realize that maybe it wasn’t the worst.

So, when I listen to those songs, I can only think of how much I’ve grown since I last heard them.

And they mean more to me now than they did at first.

~ written on July 6, 2017 at 10:47pm

#MishyWrites #12DaysofPoetry

“Who am I?”

Who am I to say, “They won’t come to You”?

I sit here as if I am wise enough,

Thirsty enough,

Good enough to know that

I need saving.

Yet I have rebelled time and time again

Against You, as if I wasn’t saved at all.

How can I harden my heart towards them,

And claim that I am trying to speak Your Name?

I am no different than them; we are the same – all sinners in need of a grace

So vast and triumphant that it takes everything within our beings

To praise something so sacrificial,

Something so beautiful.

I am not the judge of your salvation or mine,

Or his or hers or theirs,

I am simply a broken vessel whom the Lord has graciously allowed to be used.

And being used isn’t easy; it isn’t popular, it isn’t fun all the time.

It’s a huge privilege, and a heavy task.

It’s a great commission, and an intimidating call.

It’s a wonderful thing to realize you’ve been asked to speak the Truth into the hearts of those who know the Lord, and those who have no clue at all.

~ written sometime in July 2017

#MishyWrites #12DaysofPoetry

“A Psalm from Sickness” – Day 6 of #12DaysofPoetry

On the 6th day of Christmas, Mishy gave to us…

A Psalm from Sickness

I am sick, God, don’t look upon me.

I’m not ready for You to speak to me, to use me, for I am not at my best. I am exhausted and
Frustrated, and I know I’m in need of some rest,
And I’m trying to take it easy – I’m trying to eat right.
I’m doing all the things I normally do at a time like this,
Like avoid too  much sugar and
Get enough sleep at night…

No, God, don’t touch me.
I’m unworthy of Your Presence, unworthy to be used by You,
To answer Your call.
How can I truly be focused on You when I’m too busy with this
Mindset of recovery?

I’ll handle it, God, just let me deal with this first.
Let me get my schedule together, myself organized before I
Can squeeze You into my day,
And read some verses in the Bible that should help me on the daily.

I need to heal me.

O, Lord…but I’m so incapable.
Why am I running from the One Who knows me and my needs?
Who sees me struggling, and longs to take my hand, and
Put me back on my feet,

I hear You now, God…You say…

“Come to Me.
Your sickness and messiness don’t scare me, even if they scare you.
Lie in my Arms for a moment, and just breathe.
You may be incapable, but I am faithful.

Let Me take My time with you.

You may not like it; you may want to rush it.
You may want to stop moving altogether, for fear that Your movements are careless.
Trust Me, I’m here. Let my Presence destroy all those fears of
Not being clean, healthy, or focused enough.

I will take you as you are.

Come look for Me with everything you are, and I will be sure to find you.

I want to work with your weakness.” 

~ written on October 9, 2017 at 4:12pm

#MishyWrites #12DaysofPoetry

“you don’t hurt me like you used to” – Day 5 of #12DaysofPoetry

On the 5th day of poetry, Mishy gave to us…

“you don’t hurt me like you used to”

Sure, a year ago, that trick would’ve worked.
I’d be done for – my heart aching to know
Why you hadn’t peeped a word. My soul, insecure of all I am compared to the people you so value on a whim, but then
Claim to want to disassociate with once you’ve
Had your fill.

But you’ve used that trick one too many times and
I’ve learned since then; I know better now.
I’ve studied your habits and thoughts and
I’m not surprised you’d do something like this again, to
Grab my attention – to get under my skin, to maybe
Make me feel jealous or hurt because I wasn’t
“Worthy” enough for you to seek out.

Wow.

I’m sorry, but that doesn’t work on me anymore. I know my value isn’t dependent upon your judgment of me, on whether you choose to see me or not.

Sorry, not sorry.

You don’t hurt me like you used to.

~ written on September 26, 2017 at 10:30pm

#MishyWrites #12DaysofPoetry