“no. 07082017- Day 9 of #12DaysofPoetry

On the 9th day of poetry, Mishy gave to us…

“no. 07082017”

Is it bad that I feel unsympathetic to your plight?
That I dream of nights when you like awake in bed, unable to get thoughts of me out of your head?
What I look like, sound like, smell like, laugh like…
What is it like to live without me?
Is it bad that i hope you’re drowning in regret?
That I hope you see me as the girl that got away? That even though you may go about your business with other girls in your midst, that in the back of your mind I sit there and wait
Patiently. Ever so, patiently.
Is it sad that I even think such vengeful thoughts towards you? Is forgiveness even a word in my vocabulary if all I want is for you to admit that without me,
You’re unsteady?

Forgive me.

I feel like the part of me that wants to say these thoughts are okay,
Is just the part of me that wants to protect myself; the part of me that doesn’t want to let anymore demons in because there have been one too many who’ve gotten under my skin to ravage the hope and purity that’s within, I
Wish that those from my past could see the mess they’ve caused.
I wish they could see how lost I had been for days, weeks, months, thank God not years.
He thankfully took a hold of me before my fears could get ahead of me.
I wish that those from my past could see the beauty they’ve planted.
The person I am today couldn’t exist without the many lessons I’ve learned throughout my life but sometimes still take for granted.

Man.

I’m sorry I feel unsympathetic to your plight.
I’m sorry I hope nightmares upon you as you live your life.
My heart and mind just wanna fight off anything that’s gonna keep me down.
But it shouldn’t be like this; self care shouldn’t be like this…
Or should it?

~ written on May 8, 2017 at 3:15pm

#MishyWrites #12DaysofPoetry

“feelings I wish I could express, but may never say in our lifetimes” – Day 2 of #12DaysofPoetry

On the 2nd day of poetry, Mishy gave to us…

“feelings I wish I could express, but may never say in our lifetimes”

I love you.

I know it’s probably too early for me to call that, but man,
When all I have are thoughts of admiration about you…
How you live your life for the Lord, and are always seeking to be in tune with Him…
How you’re always wanting to make sure everyone is comfortable and secure in any situation…
How you’re adventurous – you always wanna be somewhere new, go somewhere you’ve never been so you can do something you’ve never done,
Yet still pray and wait for the answer of such a desire…
How we never miss a beat; how I catch those little compliments you mutter under your breath,
And even though they’re fairly simple,
And have been said to me more than once,
Oh, boy, they’re still so sweet and
They just sweep me off my feet and
Leave me a little sort of bashful that I
Don’t know how to say a meaningful,
“thank you,”
Or even speak at all.

I never feel like I have to impress you, yet
I am more aware of what I look like,
How I’m acting,
When I’m around you.
Because I care about what you think of me, yes,
I want to be favorable in your eyes.
I know that’s not the meaning of life or love,
But I guess…I just want to know,
If you look at me sometimes the way I look at you with
Oh-so-much favor and
Respect and
Love.

Because, I mean, I know it’s kinda early to say it,
We’ve never even dated.
But I love you.
From the bottom of my heart,
I do.

~ written on May 27, 2017 at 12:28am

#MishyWrites #12DaysofPoetry

“no. 111517”

My feet shift under the quicksands of those too quick to commit,
And those too hesitant to even try.
I’ve fallen on my face one too many times and
I’m over it.
Yes, lessons were learned –
People came and went, some came back unexpectedly,
And yes,
I’m thankful for that.
How many times though do I need to find myself on my knees,
Asking God to please just have His way,
Knowing good and well that He’s going to, whether I like it or not?

The last time I adamantly prayed that prayer, you left.

And even though I convinced myself that I’d be okay,
That I’d be strong through it, and accept it for what it was,
I was weaker than I realized.

I crumbled.

And it took so long to rebuild myself again.
To allow the Lord to break me down just to show me what He could create in me,
Using me to mold something new.

Revealing someone I didn’t know lived inside of me.

And now that I it in this new skin,
This new form,
I can’t help but wonder sometimes who in the world could look at a creature like me and
Not be intimidated.
Who would dare take the risk of coming close to someone like me: someone so
Bold and beautiful,
Shining bright, laughing loud, speaking so much truth,
Who in their right minds would stand by my side,
Take my hand and
Love me?

Admittedly, there are days that the thought seems completely impossible.
But I know I have the comfort of my God,
Who knows my heart –
What it yearns for, what it needs –
He hears my questions,
My fears, my wonders,
He sees my fears,
And even though no one’s decided to
Step up and
Stand by me,
My God has always stood by me to gently tell me that
It is well. All is well with Him.
That He is capable of touching me deeper than anyone in this world ever could.
And even though my soul my waver between
It is well and
It is hard,
It is hurtful,
It is lonely…

I will wait.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

I’m Alive…

Wow. It’s definitely been a minute since I put my fingers to the keys, and blogged. I’ve done some writing outside of blogging, but geez, I have definitely missed this outlet.

A lot has been going on in my life recently. My best friend Bria came into town for several days, so that was a major adventure. Then right after that, I began my move to a new living situation with another one of my best friends Caylin into a house, not an apartment. The transition hasn’t been rough, although if I’m honest, it’s really shaken up some things for me physically, financially, mentally, and spiritually. Surprisingly, not so much emotionally – I think in that aspect, I was ready for the change. A new season brings new challenges, yes, but it also brings new adventures and possibilities.

Well, as the move was happening, I got a head cold, which made me really slow down this past weekend, and think about my current situation. In some ways, I didn’t think I’d ever see myself here – you can read that in either a positive or negative way, because I was feeling both. And I wasn’t sure how to handle it.

But after refocusing spiritually – pushing myself to go to church on Sunday, even in sickness – I was reminded of the hope I have in Christ, not the hope I have in my circumstances or situations. So…

Even though I hadn’t moved in all my stuff in the timeline I thought I would move in…
Even though I unexpectedly got sick, and had to take some time to recover…
Even though I didn’t have much money to do / get all the things I wanted in regards to the house, or even socially…

I am alive. And I’m very well.

I took some time to game-plan for my writing. Not so much blog…I’m talking bigger projects, hopefully things that will be released within this year and into the next. I’m so excited.

Honestly, I’ve been extremely distracted, and unmotivated – despite encouraging and motivating others, I found myself in sort of a rut, unable to really push forward into some of the things I wanted to do. But I think the Lord has used everything that’s happened recently – from my best friend being into town, to the move into my new house, to even being sick – to steer me into the direction I need to go.

So, here we go.

I’m alive. Very well. And ready to work.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

“Today I Affirm…” with Alex Elle, Day 4 – Despite the Failure

"Today I Affirm…"

"my failures will not stop me from enjoying the journey." – Alex Elle

Words: "Enjoy," "Journey," "Failure"

The morning mantra for this is as follows: "I am allowed to fail. I am allowed to succeed. My worth is not contingent on my ability to avoid shortcomings. I am worthy through my good times and my bad. I will enjoy my journey fully, truly, and without apology." – Alex Elle

This is honestly perfect for today because from the moment I woke up this morning, I encountered a few small failures.

The first one? Forgetting to take my contacts out before going to bed last night. So I woke up wondering why my vision was slightly blurry, and why I couldn't really open my eyes fully. That would be why.

The second one? I got to work and, after thirty minutes of being there, realized I should have been there an hour ago. Oops. It was my first week with this new schedule change, and I'd completely forgotten. And I felt terrible because I'd let my co-teacher deal with seven one-year-olds for a solid hour or so all by herself. Oh boy.

And the last one? I was expecting to record a new spoken word poem tonight with a friend, and when I went to text him to make sure he was still coming, I realized I never answered his text from earlier this week about pushing back our time. So, who knows if that's even happening anymore tonight.

On top of those three failures, I haven't gone to the gym nearly as often as I normally do, and my eating habits have been total crap all week. If you were to ask me what I think my main source of food has been this week, I may answer chocolate. Whether or not that's true, I can't tell you. I just know that a whole ton of it has been consumed, more so than in the past few weeks. And I don't feel good about it.

You're probably reading all of that and thinking, Mishy, what. Okay, so what you did all those things, it's whatever.

But I don't take failures well because, as some of you already know from reading past posts of mine, I'm a perfectionist. Ever since I was a child, and realized the difference between a success and a failure, I vowed to myself that I'd be the one making all successes, and taking no "L's" ("losses" for those who don't know the slang), and it wasn't a good time for me or those around me when I failed. As I've grown older, I've done way better at accepting failures, but I still have my moments. Like today's three little failures didn't really affect me much; I did mentally kick myself a little though.

One of the failures I still take really hard though is when I repeat a mistake. Have you ever done that? Have you done something, failed, then tried again later in a different way, but then it still resulted in the same failure? I'm not talking about if you're trying to achieve a good goal and you try different ways to get there, and you fail in different ways. That's a part of learning and growing; it's a part of the process, the journey.

I'm talking about making a mistake, thinking you learned from that mistake, and vowing to yourself that you'll never make it again, and then getting yourself back in the same situation only through a different route. Even though you avoided the way in which the failure happened the first time, you somehow find yourself back at the same failure, only through a different outlet. Does that happen to anyone else? Is what I'm saying even making sense?

Anyways, even if I'm not making sense, I will say that I think failures are crucial to the journey. Elle says that "Just because we fail once, twice, or a few times, that doesn't mean we lose sight of the chances to start anew," and it's so true. I sometimes feel like when I fail, I've missed the opportunity for anything good to come out of that attempt, when really, I can still attempt again, and I can fail or maybe I'll succeed. It doesn't hurt to try; I can't be afraid to fail, or I'll never reach new heights in the things I want to accomplish.

And it's hard to sometimes push past the failures I've made. Am I the only one who sometimes sits there, and suddenly thinks of a time when I failed miserably at something, and I physically cringe because it hurts for me to think about it? I don't do this quite as often, but it still happens every once in a while. But again – without the failures, I would have never learned anything, and my journey would have never brought me to where I am today.

I also believe the Lord uses our failures to draw us closer to Him. If we never failed, we wouldn't have to rely so heavily on Him for direction, peace, wisdom. We are only human; imperfect beings in need of a perfect Savior. And failures are a major part of that journey! That doesn't mean we should want to fail; it just means we can expect to, and be okay with it, and be okay with learning something from it.

So, as I sit here, embracing my failures of the day, I am committed to enjoying the time I had today to live my life, and to take some major steps towards this journey of mine. Despite my failures, there were some successes: I was able to bring in a couple of more people into the #JustStartWriting family today. I got to run my errands after getting off of work at two o'clock. And even though I don't get to record my spoken word piece tonight, that means I get more time to practice saying it, and making it what I want it to be and sound like so I can perfect it when the time is right. And I get more time to do other things tonight!

Still so much to be grateful for despite the failures of the day. It's all just a part of life, and I thank God for it all.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

“Good Vibes Only.”

I know that the title of this post is something we all probably see smacked onto cups, shirts, bags, etc. But I've honestly been needing good vibes after a couple of weeks of the things I've seen and heard.

I'm not here to point fingers or call out names, I'm here to just address the fact that the negativity has reached its peek for me, and I'm tired of having it around. I've read way too much bashing, and not enough kind comments. People are constantly talking about one another – one person will talk about someone, and then go to someone else to talk about the person they just talked to.

It's honestly all drained me, and made me think about a lot of things within this realm…

Me

All the negativity has me looking inward. I know I'm not perfect; as positive and encouraging as I am to the outside world most of the time, I have my moments, trust me. And I'm not proud of those moments in which I indulge in gossip, or eagerly await to hear the rumors about someone else. I'm not happy to say that I've sat in silence, and just listened to all of the negative discussions, instead of speaking up and addressing the fact that maybe things shouldn't be said or talked about.

I've realized it's not enough to be silent, and just stand around while the people around me are talking negatively. Because I'm still listening to the negativity; it gets into my mind, and before I know it, I'm thinking, saying, and doing the things I didn't want to think, say, or do. And because it affects me, if I continue it, it will affect those around me.

Honestly, a lot of the negativity I had been seeing was on social media, and I started to drift away from checking my socials often because I realized how much I was being affected by all of it. It's another reason why I stopped going on social media on Sundays – to have a day away from checking up on everyone else's lives, and potentially feeding off of and into the negativity I was seeing.

Pick a Side

I was seeing a lot of people who follow me and even each other talk badly about one another, and it made me so uncomfortable because we're all supposed to be on the same team. There shouldn't be an "us vs. them" or "me vs. her or him" mentality; we are all human, we are all wanting to get somewhere in life, and we are all connected to each other somehow, maybe by interest or people or location.

All of the negative talk also put me in this terrible position – I felt like I had to take a side. I either had to agree that "yes, this person was being this way," or "no, I don't think this person is like that," and this sort of dilemma is why I simply stayed silent. But again, even in silence, what I was hearing/seeing/reading was still affecting me. I began to take what some people said as gospel instead of questioning what was being said with questions such as:

Was what was being said true?
Was this person in a specific type of situation for them to act in the way being portrayed by the speaker?
How would this person feel if they were to hear what was being said about them?

the way in which I viewed the people being talked about, or the people doing the talking.

I Love You…I Love You Not…

By listening to and participating in the negative talking about others, or to others, my perspective of people began to be tainted by all of the things being said, and overall, it was affecting the way I loved on people, despite those things. And it's unfortunate because the things being said may not have been true, yet I used them as a measurement on whether I showed someone love or not.

 

Now, this isn't to say that I've totally blocked people, and have deemed them all horrible human beings for smack-talking each other. I am including myself as a person who smack-talks, and I say it with shame.

But I do want to address it because I'm tired of all of the negativity. Everyone says, posts, and supports "Good Vibes Only," but are we actually willing to be a part of what that actually means?

It means we love each other the best we can without trying to stir the pot (even though it may be fun sometimes. I didn't say spreading around negativity was boring; it happens for a reason). It means instead of tearing each other down, we're building each other up, encouraging each other in the things we're each pursuing, and embracing the differences we each have, because not one person is the same. Sure, there may be some similarities in some things, but each person is a unique human being who needs to be treated with some respect.

I'm not saying throw out some fake love; don't say or do anything that you don't genuinely mean. But it does mean that, if you have the opportunity to bash someone else, you choose not to do so. Maybe instead of staying silent while someone you know or sort of know is being talked about, you stand up for that person, and ask the speaker some hard questions about what is being said. I'm not saying throw hate on the speaker either; I'm saying, ask questions that will make them think about what they're saying.

It's hard and I know it is, because I have a hard time choosing the high road of not spreading the negativity.

But I just encourage myself and all of us to seriously spread the good vibes – be a positive light in the conversations you have. If you're tempted to talk bad about someone, think of one good thing about that person instead, and genuinely mean it.

Think about what you're saying before you say it.

Place yourself in the shoes of the person you're wanting to talk about – how would you feel if the things you were about to say were said about you? A lot of this just goes back to the major "Golden Rule" – "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

So yeah, that was just something that's been weighing on my heart lately, and I hope that my thoughts were able to make you think about where you are within the realm of good vibes and negative talk. We've all done it at some point, and we can't change that. What we can change is our reaction the next time the opportunity to speak negatively presents itself.

#MishyWrites #TruthPrevails 🦋✨

 

To Be Honest…I Thank You.

Another small break from the Postcard Prose series. I know a series is supposed to include consecutive pieces on the same topic or subject, but sometimes life and the choices you make just don’t allow for it to happen.

So, I’m going to write very quickly on some things that have been on my heart lately.

Mishy, Are You Okay?

Yes, I am okay. When people ask me this question, I always say, “yes,” not to put up this facade that nothing is ever wrong with me, but because over all, I am okay. Sure, I may be busy. Sure, there are a lot of things on my mind, lots of decisions to make, and prioritizing I need to do. But (and I feel like I’ve written this to you all before) I am not sick. I am not going through an extremely difficult time. Praise the Lord, the troubles I have really aren’t that major; just every day struggles of being an adult who is trying to pay the bills and still do what I love.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t hard days because, I promise you, there are. And I am tempted to put up a facade sometimes, and say I’m okay when I’m not. I do want to admit that I do struggle; nothing is easy.

I’ve had two people recently ask me if I’m okay, and while my overall answer has been yes, I also explained the things on my mind…

PRIORITIES

I feel like this is a constant chapter in my adult life. I’m always prioritizing and re-prioritizing my life. And it’s hard, because just when I feel like I’ve got a good schedule or routine going, I realize that I haven’t prioritized in the best way, and I’m back to Square 1.

First and foremost, I’ve been praying that the Lord would continue to mold me into the person He wants me to be. Because I don’t want to just be comfortable in my faith; I long to grow and learn from Him. I want to have that child-like faith; I want Him to be at the forefront of my mind at all times, and I have just been super convicted that I haven’t been living my life for Him, and have been distracted by a lot of other things.

Which brings me to the second thing: social media. I’ve been “teased,” and actually been seriously told more than once, that I’m on my phone way too much. For years, I’ve brushed off the comments, defended myself, tried to make excuses as to why this is such a problem for me. And recently, when I was told again about 2-3 times that I was on my phone a lot, I was super convicted.

Is that really what people think of me? Is that how they view me?

So, I’ve been diving into that problem within me. Honestly, that was hard to type to you, but I need to admit it – I have such a problem with being so connected to everyone online, and I’m afraid I’ve missed so much around me because of it. I have “FOMO” (fear of missing out, to those who don’t know) when it comes to things happening online; if one of my favorite artists dropped a new single, I want to know about it! If one of my favorite writers is doing a contest for a free book, I want to be the first to know so I can enter before it’s too late. Clearly, I have a problem.

I’ve taken steps to really cut myself back from the phone usage – turning off the social media notifications, and not being on social media at all on Sundays. Putting my phone on silent, and burying it beneath my bag. Putting it inside my wallet when I’m hanging out with friends, especially if there’s some deep conversation happening. If these prove to not help, I’m determined to try other ways. Because I’m tired of being that person missing out on real life, but being up-to-date on things outside of the realm of my personal world.

And lately on social media anyway, there’s just been some slight negativity that’s been affecting me, causing my heart to ache. None of the negative things are about or toward me, but it’s draining and sad to see how the tearing down of others, or the sadistic nature of people’s thoughts can be. I feel like opening myself up to that has made me vulnerable to do the same – to talk bad about people, to be more pessimistic, to be distant in a bad way rather than a healing way.

These things are only scratching the surface of what’s been going on in my heart, mind, and life. I haven’t even touched the matters of balancing having a social life/doing the things I love with the people I love, and focusing on my writing – what I feel called to do. And trying to fit in my health (physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional).

I talked to Pa (my stepdad) about this all tonight, and he made a good point – all of these things are good problems to have (first-world problems, as he put it). I have a lot of good things going on in my life, better than real problems other people are having, and I am grateful that the Lord has blessed me with problems such as these. I don’t want to discount them as struggles, but I do want to acknowledge that these are not terrible things.

And I’m grateful because, through all of this, I am learning to be less dependent on myself to get things done, and more dependent on my God to just teach me and show me that He is good – even if I can’t finish it all on time, even if I have to say “no” to something, even if I feel exhausted beyond belief – He is GOOD.

Grateful

I had someone ask me if I was okay tonight. I don’t know her personally, but through my friend Silas and his music, I’ve been able to message her, and get to know her a little.

And I told her a little about what was going on. She told me she felt like I was distant lately, and since our communication is via social media, I told her about me trying to separate more from social media.

It meant a lot to me, though, that she was brave and willing to ask me that question: “Are you okay?” People ask that all the time; it’s one of those typical conversation openers, whether it be face-to-face, texting, or on social media; but in the current season I’m in right now, that question really helps me.

Having someone ask me aloud, or even through text if I am okay makes me stop and really process and think through whether I am really okay. I answer that question with honesty, because I know answering that question honestly is a good step towards making the changes I need to make, or keeping the things I need to keep.

So, I am overall grateful – for the Lord placing in my heart this want to strive to be more like Him. For those people and their snarky and serious comments about me being on my phone too much. For the people on social media who helped me realize that to have my head all in that world isn’t all that great all the time. For people like my stepdad who support me, and remind me of the great place I actually am in. And for the girl who asked me if I was okay tonight.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

Forward I go!

💙 Mishy 🦋