Cabo Vacation Re-Cap

Hey guys!

Honestly, this isn’t the first post I wrote for today; I wrote something about post-vacay depression because it hit me really hard as soon as I got back to my apartment this afternoon. I tried to ease back into my normal by unpacking and doing laundry, trying to get things in order, and setting aside clothes for church tomorrow, and each activity made my heart ache even more than before.

But How Was Cabo Tho?

Cabo was AMAZING. I posted a lot of pictures on Instagram about what we were doing almost every day (sorry not sorry) – snorkeling, driving ATVs, riding a boat to the beach and a few famous Cabo sites, getting a massage, relaxing by the poolside – these images can’t even do the trip justice. It was a vacation each one of us needed, especially since we hadn’t been together for a long time.

A few people wondered if I would vlog the trip, and even though it would have made a really sweet vlog, there were a couple of reasons why I didn’t vlog…

  1. Cameras: Unfortunately, I’ve lost my cameras, and I think they’re lost for good. I’ve tried all that I can to relocate them, but I think they’re gone, guys. I sometimes still have waves of worry and hurt because of my perfectionism: “It’s my fault that I don’t have them anymore, and how could I have been so careless and forgetful about where I had them?” but I’m slowly getting over it. You may be thinking, “Mishy, you could have just filmed on your iPhone…it takes HD videos too.” But here’s where number two comes in…
  2. Presence: I would have been totally distracted during my vacation had I tried to vlog most of the time. Sure, I was still a little distracted taking pictures, and even with some things like the song with SodTp dropping, and promoting my website dropping next week. But, I would have worried more about what my vacation looked like than what it actually was. And I know that would have regretted doing that, even if the footage would have been amazing.

So, no vlogging on vacation. I just think I enjoyed myself more than if I had tried to. I hope to get back to it, though, once I can get some things in order. I’ve just got a lot going on right now, and it’s hard to juggle everything at once.

Post.Vacay.Depression

I walked into my apartment, weary of the short trek I’d taken from my car and up the stairs to my front door. I dreaded hearing the empty echoes of my footsteps across the living room floors, and the silence met with me shuffling along to get myself and my stuff through the door and to my room.

A curtain of relief fell upon my shoulders as I heard the quiet voice of one of my roommates, who was sitting in her bedroom. It didn’t completely take the emptiness I was feeling away, but it did cheer me up.

Since coming home this afternoon, I’ve been doing laundry, taking inventory of my pantry for grocery shopping tomorrow, and organizing/cleaning things in my room. I tried to listen to some music, but a lot of what I wanted to listen to reminded me of my trip and my friends, and it was too sentimental. I swear, I’ve been on the verge of tears all afternoon.

I’m so grateful for the time I had last week. I’m grateful for the concert I went to before I traveled, and all of the traveling safety that the Lord provided. And right now, I’m trying to be grateful to be home. But I’m really struggling. So much so that I’m scrambling to find new music to listen to, I’ve ordered pizza and ice cream for myself, started a new Netflix show to keep my away from reality, and talked to my best friend (whom I just saw yesterday, mind you) for almost an hour-and-a-half.

The post-vacay depression is so real.

I have such a hard time when exciting things end, as I’m sure everyone else does. Like when a concert is over, everyone is sad because they don’t want it to be over. I expressed my sadness to my roommate, and explained that I would rather have something else exciting happen, or my work week immediately start than admit that the exciting event or concert or vacation is over.

And after briefly talking with her about it, and sitting here eating pizza and watching The Carmichael Show on Netflix to try to suppress the sad feelings, I realize that I really need to process through what’s happened, no matter how much it hurts…

I went to a concert last Friday, and had a blast.

The next morning, I flew out to Mexico, and spent one whole week doing things I’d never done in a place I’d never been before. I laughed harder than I’d laughed in a while. While I was in Mexico, the week back home was normal – work was still happening. My friends were going about their daily lives. I missed one whole normal week here at home in exchange for the best summer vacation I’ve ever had.

And now it’s over. And yes, it’s sad that it’s over – my best friend is back in our hometown for another week. I’m preparing myself mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually for this new upcoming week (even though I am slightly pushing the feelings down with food and Netflix). Even writing out this blog is helping me accept what my reality is.

Next week is a big week; there are only a few days left until some major things happen. In order for things to run smoothly, I need to allow myself the time to ease back into my normal routine, even if I don’t like the feeling of it. Even if it makes my  heart ache, and miss the times and experiences I had.

Praising the Lord that this post-vacay depression is slowly starting to ease up. I think every hour back home makes it a little easier on me.

I’m done with vacation. Now I’m back on the grind.

💙 Mishy 🦋

“heavy promises.”

I wasn’t planning on posting this little poem until later, but in light of some recent situations, it got me thinking about it. This is straight from my journal, y’all…that’s how you know it’s real and raw. No edits, nothing. Totally authentic.

But lately I’ve been having to think about promises, and the ones people make. I know that I made some promises that I truly intended on keeping, and have kept. I also made promises that I intended on keeping, but after seeing how hazardous it was to myself either mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or all of the above, I couldn’t fully keep the promise the way I thought I could.

At first, I wasn’t okay with it; I felt like a hypocrite and a traitor for not being able to keep up with my promise. But then the Lord really began to speak to me, and show me that I am incapable of keeping some promises; that the weight and toxicity of the promises I made was not worth me trying to put my all into a specific situation, especially if it was causing me to take my focus off of my relationship with Him.

Just because I promise something, it doesn’t mean I have to execute that promise in the specific ways I always imagined it being executed in. My ideas of keeping that promise might be flawed, and maybe the only way I can keep that promise is to pray for someone and keep my distance, or simply text or call that person every once in a while.

Some promises just aren’t capable of being kept. Promising something is pretty heavy in itself, and I think that I personally need to learn to be more aware and cautious of exactly what I promise, and to whom I promise it too.

“heavy promises.”

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I can’t be the person you want me to be all the time for you. The respect I owe myself is way overdue, and I truly don’t think it’s selfish to want to have that back. All this time, I thought your back was against a wall; I thought you were the only one suffering, the only one in such a state that you couldn’t see past your past that’s stood above you, that’s had a grip around your neck for too long.

When all along, it was me. I was the one suffering under my own hand, suffocating myself to make you feel better because I couldn’t stand breaking a promise I told you I’d keep. I’d rather crucify myself than see you have the worst day of your life. I’d rather linger in the darkness as I tried, but failed to give you ray after ray of sunshine.

Some promises are too dangerous to be kept.

I’m sorry I can’t keep mine.

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋

Make It Less Mundane.

Hey guys!

Sorry I missed writing to y’all yesterday, it was little busier/crazier than I thought it would be (plus, I totally forgot to bring my laptop to my grandparents’ house, and it’s just easier to blog from there).

But I just wanted to express something that’s been on my heart lately, and it’s something I even talked to one of my close friends about.

Following Jesus. Staying in the Word. Not wavering in the faith.

Truthfully, I haven’t been feeling the same when it comes to these things. I feel as if I’ve sort of hit the ceiling when it comes to this stuff. Not that I know everything there is to know about God or the Bible; I understand that I need to be growing in my faith. But I just feel like I’m not learning it in my quiet times in the morning.

Maybe it’s because I’m feeling rushed about my quiet time in the morning because lately, I’ve been getting up later than I should. Or maybe it’s because my mind is so distracted by all the things I have going on. Or maybe it’s the Enemy telling me that I’m not getting anything out of my quiet time, so, what’s the point of even doing it?

I feel like I’m in a dangerous position; I have so much I’m doing and thinking about, and I feel like I just need a couple of hours or a day away from it all to realign my focus, my purpose for why I’m doing the things I’m doing.

Things may look like they’re going great on the outside, but really, I feel like I just need Jesus to hold me right now. To assure me that He is still by my side, and is still holding my hand through everything going on right now. I believe that He is still there, but I crave to continue learning more about Him; to not be so content with where I am in my faith; to not have my time with Him every day feel so mundane, or to just see my Bible-reading time as simply a habit.

I want more faith than I have right now. Increase my faith, Lord!

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋

Remembering the Roots (write on, pt. 3)

Recently, someone I follow on Instagram posted on their story that they were getting back to blogging, and I asked them what their blog link was. After telling me, they expressed how healing blogging could be, and that statement made me pause and think about whether blogging was actually healing for me, or whether I saw it more as a duty I had to accomplish.

Honestly, I can tell you I’ve felt both. But the healing aspects of blogging have totally outweighed the “have-to” feelings.

I tweeted / Snapchatted / InstaStoried this last night, but I’ve been missing daily blogging. So much so that I’m trying to get back to blogging every day – to get back to the roots of how this whole process began. To those who don’t know how the whole #JustStartWriting and daily blogging began, I won’t go into full detail about it until everything is updated on June 21st.

But just know that this has been a cornerstone, a foundation of this whole process. And even though I’ve been busy with other creative endeavors and have felt the need to leave this behind, I know in my heart I just can’t. It doesn’t feel right to me to not write on here every day (except for Sundays, that is).

And even though I’ve gone weeks and sometimes almost months without typing a word here, know that each time I was absent on the blog, there was a little bit of guilt that settled within my soul. I always felt like a piece of me was missing. And even though I may have stopped blogging in obedience to where God was leading me, it didn’t make the absence of daily blogging hurt any less. Even though I knew what I was doing was right, I longed to have my fingers back on my laptop keyboard. I ached to pour my thoughts out to you all here in this little space of mine.

All this to say – it’s important to not forget where you came from, where you started.

When I was in college, sure, I was changing into someone new, becoming more of who I am today, changing some habits I had had in high school. But a major part of me was still the same; I didn’t forget what my parents taught me, what they instilled within me for the first seventeen years of my life. And those same things are still with me as I’ve completed a full year of adulthood, and am entering year number two.

The roots of your journey – be it the journey of a project, your talent, a career, or your life – are vital to the current work you’re doing now. Don’t forget them. Hold them close.

I thank God for providing this platform for me, for giving me the wisdom and patience to be able to write to you all on here every day. Without Him it would be impossible, and I am reminded of how dependent I am upon Him, and how much He has inspired this process every day.

And until the Lord has told me otherwise, I will continue to be here. I will continue to write on.

#MishyWrites #JustStartWriting

💙 Mishy 🦋

#realtalk – blogging stress

I’m going to be really honest here. I’m frantically trying to write something in the last 19 minutes I have before I should probably be in bed because after last week’s crazy shenanigans, I won’t be depriving my body of the rest it needs. 

And I’m sad because I miss blogging every day and sharing my thoughts with you guys, and just writing a little something different in general. But I feel like lately, I either am rushed for time, or I don’t feel inspired, or what I’ll write here won’t be as good as what I’m writing on my own in journals or in my Notes app. 

There is some great stuff coming, I assure you. I am really excited, so excited that I’ve almost leaked everything to you all at once because I’m impatient, and I can’t pull off suspense very well. But as I’ve said before, I’m learning through all this about the importance of the process; of following the game-plan.

Which has led me to here: not blogging for like two weeks straight, and feeling guilty about it. And even somewhat stressed about it because I want to provide content for y’all, but I just feel like I can’t or shouldn’t. 

And I wanted to share this with you because even though there are a lot of awesome opportunities going on in my life right now, all the goodness doesn’t get rid of the stress. It doesn’t make all the anxiety of wanting to be a good writer disappear. It doesn’t automatically make me an author, or someone who has their brand and their ideas and dreams all together. 

No, all this just makes me human. Good opportunities are awesome, but stress still abounds. The battle may not be physical within my world of work or other things, but man, the emotional and mental side can really weigh me down. 

So, as I’ve asked you guys to do before, please pray for me. I may be abiding by the process, but that doesn’t mean the process is perfect. And it doesn’t mean that my mindset about it all is perfect either. 

I just long to do what the Lord has called me to do, and am asking for the strength to accomplish it all (not just by myself, mind you, but with the help of others!). 

I am just as excited, but also just as nervous too. Crazy how the mind, how the world works.

This worn-out writer needs to go to bed though. The week may be halfway over, but there is much to be done. 

Especially this week – my sister graduates from college this Saturday. Which means I’ve been an independent adult for basically a full year. 

Wait til you read the blog post about THAT.

#JustStartWriting

💙 Mishy 🦋

need to let it go.

I write this with a cup of stress-relief tea beside me, and a mind and heart still full of so many things.

In college, I learned that I could feel the stress in my back, as it ached in the same way my heart and mind would when overwhelmed with things, be it school work, family issues, personal problems, etc. It was as if the fear of my heart bursting in my chest was replaced by this physical aching, alerting me to be cautious.

To be watchful. To be in constant prayer.

If I were to be honest with myself I am still feeling out of sorts. I am so thankful it’s the weekend. I’m thankful that I get to do things I’ve been wanting to do for a while. I am in need of such prayer.

But there is something that I really need to do that I’ve had the conviction of doing for a while, especially since I am currently in the process of making my game-plan. I have been feeling particularly distracted recently so…

I need to get off Twitter. So. Badly. For at least two weeks.

Starting this upcoming Monday (April 3), I am going to delete the Twitter app off my phone, because it’s becoming such a huge thing in my life, and I need it to stop. I’ve been constantly checking it, obsessing over it, and I just don’t have the time to do this as I try to work on pursuing my goals along with going to work every day, and sticking with previously made commitments.

I’ve deleted the app off of my phone before during an intense school-work week so I could focus, and I feel like this is just the move I have to make in order for me to get my moves in order.

Even though I won’t be obsessively checking my Twitter every day for the next two weeks, I still plan on posting my YouTube and WordPress links there, but with limited outlets – meaning, only through the public library computers, or the little option on the WordPress app. Or maybe I’ll just post about my latest video or blog on my Instagram instead for these next two weeks.

You may be thinking, Why are you just getting rid of Twitter, and nothing else? It just seems to be the current app that’s grabbed a lot of my attention lately. I find that I’m on it more than anything else, and I’m wasting my time. There are way better things I need to have my attention on right now.

And it may seem crazy to do this now since I’m just starting my YouTube channel, and my blog is connected to my Twitter as well, and I’ve been getting to connect with some awesome people on there recently. Many people would think it’s not a smart move to get rid of one of my main outlets to promote myself. But it’s not about promoting myself – it’s about being obedient to the Lord, and trusting that He’s going to work it all out, whether I’m active on Twitter for the next two weeks or not.

Even though I’ve been trying to avoid all this – making excuses, being in denial that I have a problem – I now know that it is time to surrender. This may seem silly to a lot of you, or maybe even childish that I have to come to terms with myself, and even blog, about releasing a social network. But I guess that’s how convicted I feel about it.

I am just trying to be obedient with where I am, and be a good steward with what I have, and what I’ve been given. And lately, I haven’t been doing a good job with the stewardship part.

I look forward though to the next two weeks, to feel the freedom of being obedient, and to see how the Lord speaks to me now that my attention is off of things less important.

#JustStartWriting

💙 Mishy 🦋

when the going get’s tough… (part 1)

Normally, the soft sound of rain falling against my window pane puts me to sleep at night. Things didn’t feel right as my mind wandered aimlessly from one unfortunate thing to another, causing my hear to ache endlessly and, my body to toss and turn. Within fifteen minutes of my head hitting my pink satin pillow, I yearned to be asleep, yet worry and fear were causing the time to creep slowly by, and I began freaking out over things and giving into the lies Satan so eagerly wanted me to hold as true such as…

There’s something wrong with you if you can’t even manage your time and your money well.

You can tell things are going out of control because your lacking in sleep, and you can’t even keep your schedule in check.

You think the beginning of this week sucks? Well, the rest of it’s gonna be a wreck.

As a child, I used to worry when I could feel my heart beat faster and faster, thinking it would burst within my chest and kill me. And although that fear has been put to bed I, couldn’t help but feel that familiar dread of lying awake unable to rest as all the worries clouded my head. Even though I was tired, it seemed impossible to fall into a sleep so deep that my fears completely drowned in it.

*DISCLAIMER: don’t worry, hope is coming tomorrow in part 2! 🙂

#JustStartWriting

💙 Mishy 🦋