“Today I Affirm…” with Alex Elle: Day 1 – Love vs. Fear

So, there's this writer named Alex Elle whom I love, and discovered through Kehlani's latest album because she spoke in a couple of the introductions, and she recently did this email series "Today I Affirm…" in which she would declare something, and we'd do some affirmation writing based on what she declared. I wasn't able to keep up with it during the week she was actively doing it, so I'm going to do it this week instead!

Normally, this is supposed to be done in a journal or on Post-It notes, but I'll do that once I wind down for the day. I'd love to share my self-affirmations on here with you all, and maybe you can even do this for yourself!

Today I Affirm:

"To walk boldly in the light of love and not cower at the darkness of doubt." – Alex Elle

Words: "love," "prevails," "trials"

Honestly, this is sort of ironic that this is what today's self-affirmation is because today is Monday, which means that I do #MotivationalMishyMondays on Instagram live at 8pm EST. And tonight, I was planning on talking about fear, and how we are not called to live a life of fear, yet we so often do, and it causes us to miss out on opportunities, to regret things, to wish that we'd done or hadn't done things in certain ways.

And specifically today, I am going to preview a new poem I recently wrote entitled "No Fear," which actually delves into the fact that God's Perfect Love casts out fear, and if we rest in it, we can overpower the fears that so often have a grip on us.

The circumstances of why this poem was written actually seem more shallow than the poem itself is. I wrote it because I had sent a message to someone that I cared about, and I was afraid of how they'd receive it / how they would view me. Overall, I was mostly afraid of rejection; I was afraid the person would take my words negatively, and reject the care that I had for them.

As I debated on whether or not I should delete the message I'd already sent before the person read it, I was assured by friends that I should just take a risk; that maybe it would be a good thing, and that rejection wasn't something I had to worry about. And, even though their encouragement was sweet, I was still on the fence about the whole thing. Hence why, I thought about what God says about fear and being afraid.

He says, "Do no fear, for I am with you."

"fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10 (ESV)

And reminding myself of that verse led me to think about all the things I was afraid of in the past that I went through, and realized I had no need to be afraid of. It made me think of how God knew exactly how things would turn out, and I worried my little self over everything, but all I had to do was rest in the fact that God is behind me and before me; He doesn't reveal everything to me because He longs for me to trust that He is good, no matter the outcome.

God knows me so well; I mean, He created me, after all! And He created you too. He knows us all so well, and in the past few days, I was reminded of how well He knows me through Psalm 139. I won't write it all out for y'all, but you should definitely get a chance to read it! We long for someone in our lives to know everything about us, and still love us despite the ugly things. And God does that. It blows my mind, really.

So, I declare that I will walk boldly in the light of my Father's perfect Love that casts out fear (1 John 4:18), and refuse to cower at the darkness of doubt, rejection, fear, hate, etc.

Ahh, I'm so excited, I want to write to you all the words from "No Fear" right now, but I told myself I wasn't going to release it until after it's all recorded and whatnot. Tonight on Instagram is just a sneak-peek, but I am so excited about it all.

God is good, despite all the fears I have, and I pray that we can all walk with confidence knowing that He knows everything that will come to pass. It does us no good to sit in fear of whatever we are scared of if we know He is in control of it.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

“I used to think…”

Still trying to re-work the next Postcard Prose post, but here’s a little something I wrote in the creative writing workshop I attended tonight.

The prompt was just writing our thoughts beginning with the phrase “I used to think…”


 

I used to think that poetry wasn’t for me.

It was for all those people I took writing classes with, who had that special kind of love for coffee and
thinking and style that got to weave words together to make sense of the world through metaphors and imagery, all the while
also being capable of eloquently speaking what was
on their minds and in their hearts.

I used to think that that was impossible for me to do.
To write something so
vulnerable and true,
And have the courage to not just let it
sit between the lines,
Squished between the pages of a journal that I’d find
years later, tucked underneath the rest of my scribbled on books.

To be where I am now took courage; it always takes that.
There are days I struggle to pick up a pen and allow all these words to
pour forth
and stick and fit together.

I sometimes wonder if this poetry is just a phase,
Or something I was forever created for.

So, I hold onto hope,
Praying that God keeps
closing and opening the doors,
And gives me the strength to allow the unfolding of everything to take place.

And overall I pray, that He helps me seek His Face.

💙 Mishy 🦋

“Some Nights…”

Sometimes…it still hurts.

On nights when I’m alone at home,
Simply writing or scrolling through my phone…

I think of you.

Especially when I’m on Instagram and I’m searching for a photo for my blog but I end up seeing that picture of you and I. And I don’t know why I keep it up there.
Maybe it’s because I still care.
It’s been a minute since I spoke to you or you spoke to me, so every time you come into my thoughts I just, let it be.
I still pray for you; I always do.
And I wonder sometimes if you ever pray for me too, or if you’ve completely moved on and never think about me. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever see you again.
Even though we live in the same town, I never seem to see you around.

I have moved on, don’t mistake that. There are just days…well, mostly nights when I still want you back.
Because I don’t deny that I ever loved you. And I don’t deny that I ever wonder what it would have been like if wed stuck it out.
If we’d both pushed past our personal doubts and just tried to make it work.
Honestly because of where each of us was, I think it would still end with both of us hurt.

Don’t think I never loved you, or never thought or think about you.
Because sometimes…I still do.
And I don’t do it to torture myself, or to find and excuse to be sad or mad or feel hurt and used.
Despite all that happened…you’re still my friend. A brother-in-Christ who’s inspired me. Without knowing you held my hand through six to seven months of anxiety and fear. There were too many times I cried too many tears.

But I’m over it. I’m better now.

Because there was Someone better who gently pulled me away from you. Who took my hand out of yours because I wasn’t strong enough to,
Admit that you were killing me.

I was killing me.

Always thinking and wondering and caring about you. So much so that it was difficult for me to see myself dying away.
No but these days, I think of you differently because I think of me differently. I care for myself because I care about the God I belong to, and how I’m living for Him. I am beginning to understand that He is all my life stands for.
Nothing less, but so much more.
All I say and do, should be dictated by whether I am praising and pleasing my Savior.
Not you.

I no longer waste my time trying to love those who don’t even try to love me back. I’ve been blessed abundantly with family and friends, who would chase after me for days on end, not because I have something to offer them or, because they receive gifts that I always send. 

They love me for me. Simply because I am me. 

And I don’t fret over whether you love and care about me because I am set on loving and caring for myself. I’ve learned that self-love is one of the strongest there is. It isn’t as healing as my Father’s agape love, but it certainly still heals in ways another person’s love could never make me feel. 

So yes…sometimes and some nights…it still hurts. 
But it doesn’t hurt for long. 

💙 Mishy 🦋

“i say, ‘I’m Fine,’ but i’m not.”

Okay, I’m going to admit something…

Earlier this week, I was struggling a lot with loneliness. It’s not that I don’t have friends, or family who love me. But, come on…I’m a woman in her early twenties, aaaaand I’m single. And I’ve been single for a long time. My whole life, actually. I don’t like to point that out, but I mean, it’s a fact.

And I think that sometimes, because I’m a Christian, I can’t admit that I’m sad that I’m single because I’m supposed to be satisfied and filled with the love of Jesus, and I’m not supposed to feel lonely or crave earthly affection or romantic love. But gosh darn it, I do, okay? I am human; the Lord created us for relationship with Him on the spiritual level, but He also created us to have relationships with each other. And I’ve never experienced that, romantically at least. And I’ll admit, sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on something.

I know (because I’ve been told by everyone who is in a romantic relationship, and have witnessed it) that romantic relationships are hard. But that doesn’t make me want one any less.

So, there are days when it doesn’t bother me that I’m single, and there are days when it bothers me a lot. I know I’m not the only one who’s felt like this, therefore, I feel no shame in admitting it. It’s hard out here, y’all. And yes, I have heard, and I understand all those encouraging sayings to all the single people out there such as: “Just be patient, the Lord has a plan for you.” (well, that plan may be that I’m single for the rest of my life, who knows, you know?)

I know that parents, friends, small group leaders, etc. say this to be encouraging, and sometimes it is encouraging, and man, sometimes it’s not. Waiting is hard. Being patient? HARD.

And during this period of waiting, I tend to put up this wall, this shield so that the loneliness, and all the other negative feelings that sometimes go along with being single, don’t phase me. Or so I would like to make myself and others think.

But no, underneath that shield, that armor, is a fragile human being that gets hit with all those emotions and all those feelings all at once, and just longs to be loved.

Now, I do believe that as a Christian, I should be hiding behind the love of Jesus instead of this figurative wall or shield or armor that I’m using to deny these feelings I have. I do believe that His love is the only one that truly satisfies. And I’ll be honest, there are days when I think I really understand this concept, and there are days I wonder how I could ever feel satisfied by it because somehow I don’t anymore. I’m still learning how to accept it, still growing in it, still wanting it.

Because I would rather not feel any of the feelings I feel in this super short poem I wrote, and truly understand His love. I’d rather just rest in Perfect Love that doesn’t leave, that casts out fear, that died for me and all the sins of humanity instead of hide behind this makeshift boundary I’ve created.

Maybe later I’ll write a redemptive portion for this poem, but for now, here we are with the vulnerable feelings, plain and simple. This is just how I feel sometimes. #TruthPrevails

“i say, ‘I’m Fine,’ but i’m not.”

Sometimes
I put on this armor,
Hold up this shield that deflects all of the
Hurt,
Loneliness,
Shame,
Pity,
Ugliness,
For just a little while.
The armor can only take so much
Before it falls apart,
And
All of the feelings
Hit me at once.

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋

“fix my compass, Lord.”

I wrote this short little poem after a week of some stillness in my life. And when I say that, I mean spiritual stillness.

Life seemed to be going well that week; the days came and went. But I was just feeling like things were…too calm. Have you ever been suspicious when life seems to be going a little too smoothly? I’m not saying that we should be extremely skeptical when good things happen, or when we have easy days or weeks.

But the feeling I had was that I wasn’t growing or being tested. I wasn’t facing any trials, therefore I wasn’t learning anything new. And, as much as I crave easy weeks, I didn’t like the easiness I was feeling. I was feeling distant from God because of it; I longed for the Lord to challenge me, so that I could grow close to Him.

So, that’s when I wrote this.

“fix my compass, Lord.”

Sometimes it’s scary when
The sea is calm.
When there is nothing threatening you,
Attempting to pull you off course.
Days that are easy seem unbelievable.
To some, it means they’re on the right track
For me?
I feel that I need to be pointed back in
The right direction.

#MishyWrites

Mishy

“heavy promises.”

I wasn’t planning on posting this little poem until later, but in light of some recent situations, it got me thinking about it. This is straight from my journal, y’all…that’s how you know it’s real and raw. No edits, nothing. Totally authentic.

But lately I’ve been having to think about promises, and the ones people make. I know that I made some promises that I truly intended on keeping, and have kept. I also made promises that I intended on keeping, but after seeing how hazardous it was to myself either mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or all of the above, I couldn’t fully keep the promise the way I thought I could.

At first, I wasn’t okay with it; I felt like a hypocrite and a traitor for not being able to keep up with my promise. But then the Lord really began to speak to me, and show me that I am incapable of keeping some promises; that the weight and toxicity of the promises I made was not worth me trying to put my all into a specific situation, especially if it was causing me to take my focus off of my relationship with Him.

Just because I promise something, it doesn’t mean I have to execute that promise in the specific ways I always imagined it being executed in. My ideas of keeping that promise might be flawed, and maybe the only way I can keep that promise is to pray for someone and keep my distance, or simply text or call that person every once in a while.

Some promises just aren’t capable of being kept. Promising something is pretty heavy in itself, and I think that I personally need to learn to be more aware and cautious of exactly what I promise, and to whom I promise it too.

“heavy promises.”

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I can’t be the person you want me to be all the time for you. The respect I owe myself is way overdue, and I truly don’t think it’s selfish to want to have that back. All this time, I thought your back was against a wall; I thought you were the only one suffering, the only one in such a state that you couldn’t see past your past that’s stood above you, that’s had a grip around your neck for too long.

When all along, it was me. I was the one suffering under my own hand, suffocating myself to make you feel better because I couldn’t stand breaking a promise I told you I’d keep. I’d rather crucify myself than see you have the worst day of your life. I’d rather linger in the darkness as I tried, but failed to give you ray after ray of sunshine.

Some promises are too dangerous to be kept.

I’m sorry I can’t keep mine.

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋

using “pain as a platform.”

I finished watching the Netflix series Dear White People tonight (which was really good, but I will warn those who haven’t watched it but might be interested in it that there are a ton of sex/sexual scenes, so just be aware).

Also, I’m probably going to give away some things in this post, so if you haven’t watched it, but would like to, maybe save reading this after watching at least the sixth episode!

Anyways, in the sixth episode, one of the characters Reggie Green says a beautiful spoken word poem about his feelings and thoughts after having a gun pointed at him by campus police during a small scuffle at a party. Not only was I inspired by his piece, but I was also inspired by what he said to his friend Sam after she suggested that he share it with everyone to make a point for the black community on campus.

He said to her: “My pain is not your platform.”

I thought it was so interesting, and really powerful, and I even felt that this was his thought before he even spoke these words. As I watched the scene play out, I thought about whether I had ever felt the same way Reggie felt in regards to my own writing, and have realized that as time has progressed, I haven’t utilized that filter as much. I used to filter basically everything I wrote, and only posted or shared the things I thought were extremely good; none of the messy, raw feelings I truly felt.

But as I’ve begun and continued #JustStartWriting, I’ve realized that this filter has been tossed to the side a little. Almost everything I write for myself, I post on my blog, and while I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, I now feel that there are some things that just need to be for my eyes, my heart, my soul only.

There have been poems, monologues, entries I have written to help me process through different things during my life, and more recently, I have had the pressure to release them to the public because hey, who knows if there’s someone out there who needs to read what I wrote, and feel comforted knowing that there was somebody else out there who felt the same way?

However, I’m learning that there are things I can’t share with everyone; the words I put together to help me get through a tough time may not need to be seen or read by the eyes of the world. And no writer or any other creative should feel pressured by anyone, including themselves, to take something they’ve created for their personal healing or processing, and share it with the world just to make a statement, or to get people to read their writing or see their craft, etc.

As I am continuing to work on updating my website, creating a new website, and getting everything together for the official drop date (which will be announced soon along with some other fun surprises!), I’ve had to really take these thoughts into consideration. Even though I truly love when I can connect with people’s emotions and experiences through my own, I never want to compromise my privacy or healing in the process.

Does this mean I won’t be posting any intimate writing here anymore? Of course that’s not what this means. It just means I need to evaluate my writing better than I have been. Would I love to share everything with you all? Of course, but as I said, some things are simply meant for me.

When words said,
Written,
Strung together as with needle and thread
Are for you and your healing…
You and your process…
Don’t feel the need to share it with everyone
Just so people can like it or
Just to prove a point.
If your words are for you then
Keep them as such.

#JustStartWriting

💙 Mishy 🦋