“Some Nights…”

Sometimes…it still hurts.

On nights when I’m alone at home,
Simply writing or scrolling through my phone…

I think of you.

Especially when I’m on Instagram and I’m searching for a photo for my blog but I end up seeing that picture of you and I. And I don’t know why I keep it up there.
Maybe it’s because I still care.
It’s been a minute since I spoke to you or you spoke to me, so every time you come into my thoughts I just, let it be.
I still pray for you; I always do.
And I wonder sometimes if you ever pray for me too, or if you’ve completely moved on and never think about me. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever see you again.
Even though we live in the same town, I never seem to see you around.

I have moved on, don’t mistake that. There are just days…well, mostly nights when I still want you back.
Because I don’t deny that I ever loved you. And I don’t deny that I ever wonder what it would have been like if wed stuck it out.
If we’d both pushed past our personal doubts and just tried to make it work.
Honestly because of where each of us was, I think it would still end with both of us hurt.

Don’t think I never loved you, or never thought or think about you.
Because sometimes…I still do.
And I don’t do it to torture myself, or to find and excuse to be sad or mad or feel hurt and used.
Despite all that happened…you’re still my friend. A brother-in-Christ who’s inspired me. Without knowing you held my hand through six to seven months of anxiety and fear. There were too many times I cried too many tears.

But I’m over it. I’m better now.

Because there was Someone better who gently pulled me away from you. Who took my hand out of yours because I wasn’t strong enough to,
Admit that you were killing me.

I was killing me.

Always thinking and wondering and caring about you. So much so that it was difficult for me to see myself dying away.
No but these days, I think of you differently because I think of me differently. I care for myself because I care about the God I belong to, and how I’m living for Him. I am beginning to understand that He is all my life stands for.
Nothing less, but so much more.
All I say and do, should be dictated by whether I am praising and pleasing my Savior.
Not you.

I no longer waste my time trying to love those who don’t even try to love me back. I’ve been blessed abundantly with family and friends, who would chase after me for days on end, not because I have something to offer them or, because they receive gifts that I always send. 

They love me for me. Simply because I am me. 

And I don’t fret over whether you love and care about me because I am set on loving and caring for myself. I’ve learned that self-love is one of the strongest there is. It isn’t as healing as my Father’s agape love, but it certainly still heals in ways another person’s love could never make me feel. 

So yes…sometimes and some nights…it still hurts. 
But it doesn’t hurt for long. 

💙 Mishy 🦋

“i say, ‘I’m Fine,’ but i’m not.”

Okay, I’m going to admit something…

Earlier this week, I was struggling a lot with loneliness. It’s not that I don’t have friends, or family who love me. But, come on…I’m a woman in her early twenties, aaaaand I’m single. And I’ve been single for a long time. My whole life, actually. I don’t like to point that out, but I mean, it’s a fact.

And I think that sometimes, because I’m a Christian, I can’t admit that I’m sad that I’m single because I’m supposed to be satisfied and filled with the love of Jesus, and I’m not supposed to feel lonely or crave earthly affection or romantic love. But gosh darn it, I do, okay? I am human; the Lord created us for relationship with Him on the spiritual level, but He also created us to have relationships with each other. And I’ve never experienced that, romantically at least. And I’ll admit, sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on something.

I know (because I’ve been told by everyone who is in a romantic relationship, and have witnessed it) that romantic relationships are hard. But that doesn’t make me want one any less.

So, there are days when it doesn’t bother me that I’m single, and there are days when it bothers me a lot. I know I’m not the only one who’s felt like this, therefore, I feel no shame in admitting it. It’s hard out here, y’all. And yes, I have heard, and I understand all those encouraging sayings to all the single people out there such as: “Just be patient, the Lord has a plan for you.” (well, that plan may be that I’m single for the rest of my life, who knows, you know?)

I know that parents, friends, small group leaders, etc. say this to be encouraging, and sometimes it is encouraging, and man, sometimes it’s not. Waiting is hard. Being patient? HARD.

And during this period of waiting, I tend to put up this wall, this shield so that the loneliness, and all the other negative feelings that sometimes go along with being single, don’t phase me. Or so I would like to make myself and others think.

But no, underneath that shield, that armor, is a fragile human being that gets hit with all those emotions and all those feelings all at once, and just longs to be loved.

Now, I do believe that as a Christian, I should be hiding behind the love of Jesus instead of this figurative wall or shield or armor that I’m using to deny these feelings I have. I do believe that His love is the only one that truly satisfies. And I’ll be honest, there are days when I think I really understand this concept, and there are days I wonder how I could ever feel satisfied by it because somehow I don’t anymore. I’m still learning how to accept it, still growing in it, still wanting it.

Because I would rather not feel any of the feelings I feel in this super short poem I wrote, and truly understand His love. I’d rather just rest in Perfect Love that doesn’t leave, that casts out fear, that died for me and all the sins of humanity instead of hide behind this makeshift boundary I’ve created.

Maybe later I’ll write a redemptive portion for this poem, but for now, here we are with the vulnerable feelings, plain and simple. This is just how I feel sometimes. #TruthPrevails

“i say, ‘I’m Fine,’ but i’m not.”

Sometimes
I put on this armor,
Hold up this shield that deflects all of the
Hurt,
Loneliness,
Shame,
Pity,
Ugliness,
For just a little while.
The armor can only take so much
Before it falls apart,
And
All of the feelings
Hit me at once.

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋

“fix my compass, Lord.”

I wrote this short little poem after a week of some stillness in my life. And when I say that, I mean spiritual stillness.

Life seemed to be going well that week; the days came and went. But I was just feeling like things were…too calm. Have you ever been suspicious when life seems to be going a little too smoothly? I’m not saying that we should be extremely skeptical when good things happen, or when we have easy days or weeks.

But the feeling I had was that I wasn’t growing or being tested. I wasn’t facing any trials, therefore I wasn’t learning anything new. And, as much as I crave easy weeks, I didn’t like the easiness I was feeling. I was feeling distant from God because of it; I longed for the Lord to challenge me, so that I could grow close to Him.

So, that’s when I wrote this.

“fix my compass, Lord.”

Sometimes it’s scary when
The sea is calm.
When there is nothing threatening you,
Attempting to pull you off course.
Days that are easy seem unbelievable.
To some, it means they’re on the right track
For me?
I feel that I need to be pointed back in
The right direction.

#MishyWrites

Mishy

“heavy promises.”

I wasn’t planning on posting this little poem until later, but in light of some recent situations, it got me thinking about it. This is straight from my journal, y’all…that’s how you know it’s real and raw. No edits, nothing. Totally authentic.

But lately I’ve been having to think about promises, and the ones people make. I know that I made some promises that I truly intended on keeping, and have kept. I also made promises that I intended on keeping, but after seeing how hazardous it was to myself either mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or all of the above, I couldn’t fully keep the promise the way I thought I could.

At first, I wasn’t okay with it; I felt like a hypocrite and a traitor for not being able to keep up with my promise. But then the Lord really began to speak to me, and show me that I am incapable of keeping some promises; that the weight and toxicity of the promises I made was not worth me trying to put my all into a specific situation, especially if it was causing me to take my focus off of my relationship with Him.

Just because I promise something, it doesn’t mean I have to execute that promise in the specific ways I always imagined it being executed in. My ideas of keeping that promise might be flawed, and maybe the only way I can keep that promise is to pray for someone and keep my distance, or simply text or call that person every once in a while.

Some promises just aren’t capable of being kept. Promising something is pretty heavy in itself, and I think that I personally need to learn to be more aware and cautious of exactly what I promise, and to whom I promise it too.

“heavy promises.”

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I can’t be the person you want me to be all the time for you. The respect I owe myself is way overdue, and I truly don’t think it’s selfish to want to have that back. All this time, I thought your back was against a wall; I thought you were the only one suffering, the only one in such a state that you couldn’t see past your past that’s stood above you, that’s had a grip around your neck for too long.

When all along, it was me. I was the one suffering under my own hand, suffocating myself to make you feel better because I couldn’t stand breaking a promise I told you I’d keep. I’d rather crucify myself than see you have the worst day of your life. I’d rather linger in the darkness as I tried, but failed to give you ray after ray of sunshine.

Some promises are too dangerous to be kept.

I’m sorry I can’t keep mine.

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋

using “pain as a platform.”

I finished watching the Netflix series Dear White People tonight (which was really good, but I will warn those who haven’t watched it but might be interested in it that there are a ton of sex/sexual scenes, so just be aware).

Also, I’m probably going to give away some things in this post, so if you haven’t watched it, but would like to, maybe save reading this after watching at least the sixth episode!

Anyways, in the sixth episode, one of the characters Reggie Green says a beautiful spoken word poem about his feelings and thoughts after having a gun pointed at him by campus police during a small scuffle at a party. Not only was I inspired by his piece, but I was also inspired by what he said to his friend Sam after she suggested that he share it with everyone to make a point for the black community on campus.

He said to her: “My pain is not your platform.”

I thought it was so interesting, and really powerful, and I even felt that this was his thought before he even spoke these words. As I watched the scene play out, I thought about whether I had ever felt the same way Reggie felt in regards to my own writing, and have realized that as time has progressed, I haven’t utilized that filter as much. I used to filter basically everything I wrote, and only posted or shared the things I thought were extremely good; none of the messy, raw feelings I truly felt.

But as I’ve begun and continued #JustStartWriting, I’ve realized that this filter has been tossed to the side a little. Almost everything I write for myself, I post on my blog, and while I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, I now feel that there are some things that just need to be for my eyes, my heart, my soul only.

There have been poems, monologues, entries I have written to help me process through different things during my life, and more recently, I have had the pressure to release them to the public because hey, who knows if there’s someone out there who needs to read what I wrote, and feel comforted knowing that there was somebody else out there who felt the same way?

However, I’m learning that there are things I can’t share with everyone; the words I put together to help me get through a tough time may not need to be seen or read by the eyes of the world. And no writer or any other creative should feel pressured by anyone, including themselves, to take something they’ve created for their personal healing or processing, and share it with the world just to make a statement, or to get people to read their writing or see their craft, etc.

As I am continuing to work on updating my website, creating a new website, and getting everything together for the official drop date (which will be announced soon along with some other fun surprises!), I’ve had to really take these thoughts into consideration. Even though I truly love when I can connect with people’s emotions and experiences through my own, I never want to compromise my privacy or healing in the process.

Does this mean I won’t be posting any intimate writing here anymore? Of course that’s not what this means. It just means I need to evaluate my writing better than I have been. Would I love to share everything with you all? Of course, but as I said, some things are simply meant for me.

When words said,
Written,
Strung together as with needle and thread
Are for you and your healing…
You and your process…
Don’t feel the need to share it with everyone
Just so people can like it or
Just to prove a point.
If your words are for you then
Keep them as such.

#JustStartWriting

💙 Mishy 🦋

updates + a poem.

So, haha, hello? Is this thing on??

It’s definitely been a minute. More like a week. I feel like that’s been the longest I’ve gone without blogging all year. And it feels so weird. And I’m sorry for being so absent!

I have been extremely busy with some new projects, life events, social events, and work. How it’s almost the end of April is beyond me. How Easter has come and gone is crazy. How my sister is graduating from college next weekend, therefore, making it a year since I graduated college is unbelievably out-of-this-world. Time flies.

I am going to share a poem that I wrote during my two-week Twitter break. It was a poem that I was going to save for later posting, but I think it’s time to share it with you all.

It’s appropriate to share it now, I think, because as I’m preparing and working on my creative endeavors, I have to constantly remind myself that I cannot be distracted by all the things going on; I can’ even be distracted with my creative work. I can’t let all the hours of tedious typing, alignment, filming, thinking overcome my spiritual life, and bring me into the jaws of pride.

I can’t wait until everything I’m currently working on comes together so that you aren’t just exposed to the written aspect of my words, but you’ll be able to hear it in my voice, and visualize it through acting.

Coming soon. 8.5 is the magic number as of right now. #waitonit

For now, though, enjoy this poem: 

I was hesitant to let go for fear of others’ thoughts. I was scared that if I admitted I had a problem, there would be judgment, shame. I could hear the “you know better’s” and the “I thought you had it all together’s” hindering me from growing. Closing doors of opportunity without me even knowing.

I tried to run from it. Tried to pretend like everything was fine. I tried to make it seem like I wasn’t wasting my time, but I can’t run from God. I can’t hide, can’t pretend that my Maker doesn’t know what’s best for me, or isn’t on my side.

I wanted to think I could handle it all – the attention, the pressure, the admiration and love. I thought being humble about everything would be enough, but pride is sneaky; it takes many different shapes. So much so, before you know it, you’re no longer just “great,” but you’re the greatest, the best, better than the rest.

I told a friend that the battle in my mind was too clear. Spirit desired to do good, but the flesh was also near, whispering in my ear that I deserved all this. I’d worked hard, I’d been searching, seeking, waiting on God to make things abundantly clear to me.

Surely, I thought, surely, this is where I need to be. What I need to do. 

But, O God, I cannot move forward. No, not without You.

Steady my heart, Lord. Steady my mind. Take the pen in my hand and, write out my poems, my rhymes. 

It all sounds so good, God. It all feels so right.

Or so I thought, until I could no longer sleep at night. My mind began to wander, my heart unsteady still. And, finally, I could take no more, and said,

Lord, have Your will. Not mine. I’m sorry it took some time for me to obey, and see that my way was getting me nowhere.

God, I haven’t written a good few words in some days now. And I’m scared. Please don’t take this gift from me, please give me strength to use it well. Humble me now, and ready my soul so I may continue to write and tell everyone I know or come in contact with that my words are not mine, but Yours.

I plead the fifth.

Because none of it was me, no, the only thing I’m guilty of is allowing pride to swallow me, and still fool me into thinking I was good. I could handle this. I could be humble enough to manage this, but God in His grace showed me how wrong I was, and told me to get away from all the buzz, the noise that was causing me to focus more on myself than on Him.

Lord, I accept Your mercy. Please, forgive my sin.

#JustStartWriting

💙 Mishy 🦋

hey, it’s been three days…

It’s been a few days since I blogged. Three days, to be exact. And while I could kick myself for not writing anything on here for you all, I honestly feel like I may have needed the break.

I couldn’t even tell you what I did Friday, except I flew a kite for the first time in my life (it was the best work day I’ve ever had so far working where I’m working right now!), and I watched a couple of episodes of Thirteen Reasons Why (which, I will say, is a SUPER INTENSE SHOW, and is for mature audiences only + if you’re going to watch it, watch it with a friend or something, and talk about it. Yes, it’s that intense.).

Saturday I spent like five hours editing my latest YouTube video. I never blog on Sundays, so I went to the park with one of my roommates, and we just sat there and read and people-watched. All three some great, productive, restful days. Wouldn’t change the way I spent them in any way.

There’s a lot going on, and I say that in a good way (I’m pretty sure I’ve typed this sentence before). This week is a four-day work week because of Easter (praise the Lord!), and I’ll be traveling back home with a couple of friends to my island, and I am SO excited! In the midst of all this, I am still doing a lot of planning, thinking, and praying about a lot of things.

Quite honestly, I feel like I’ve felt so many things in the past few days, and at one time or another I wanted to write/blog about them, but never did because I was living in the moment, and trying not to worry about the words I would write later. I’m learning that it’s okay to do that – to just live, to not think about how I’m going to capture a specific moment I am currently in. It’s hard not to do that with

For instance, last Friday I flew a kite for the first time in my life. Sure, I took some pictures and Snapchat videos, but there was a moment when it was just me, and the kite string in my hand as I guided that plastic Hello Kitty diamond across the sky. It was later on in the day when I sat for a good while that I thought about that moment, and wrote some words about it…

“I am a Kite.”

I flew a kite for the FIRST TIME in my life, and I felt so FREE.

The kite, like me, had NO CARE in the world,
No worry for the wind or
A sudden plunge towards earth.

In fact, it was steady against the crisp, blue sky,
As I held the string tight to guide it.

And I, like the kite, pray for the same steadiness
Through the trials and change,
As the LORD holds my heart and mind
Fast in His Hands to guide me.

It’s been really cool to see how faithful the Lord has been providing words for me to write, even though I don’t jot them down immediately when I feel something. Yes, I sometimes feel like the process is a little harder, but I think it’s all about trusting that He’ll bring you back to those emotions and those feelings, and provide you with whatever you need to express what you’ve been feeling.

Truly, I feel slightly at a loss when blogging these days. Part of me wants to start another blogging series, but I’m not sure if I should. Something else I need to be praying about. Because I don’t want to just start a series because it makes it easier for me to come up with things to write (although it may be good writing practice in some areas). I just want to be honest and real in my blogs, and honestly, I feel like I’m sort of just typing out words right now, maybe because it’s almost midnight and I’m a little tired and need sleep haha.

I hope there was something in this post that made sense. If not, I pray that God will grant me some words tomorrow that would make more sense than tonight’s words.

Also, shoutout to all those who made it to my Instagram live tonight. It was super sweet to catch up with each one of you, and to hear how your lives have been, and encourage one another with things coming up in the near future!

*Shameless plug: Mishy Mondays or “Mishy Monday Motivational Mantras” (credit to the ladies from my IG live!) will now be a consistent thing! Please join us every Monday on Instagram live for some love and encouragement 🙂 I don’t really have a specific time yet, but maybe I’ll come up with one soon!

#JustStartWriting

💙 Mishy 🦋