“One Word”

Yesterday, my church started a new series called, “Discover Your One Word,” and as we study the Bible, everyone in church is actively praying, seeking, and listening for the Lord to reveal one word in their life that they are to focus on for the year.

I wish I could relay all of the points of my pastor’s sermon yesterday about goals, visions, resolutions, hearing vs. listening to God because everything he taught yesterday was so extremely vital and important to following Jesus, even if you aren’t trying to figure out your one word for the year.

Being challenged together with the church to ask, seek, and listen to the Lord for one word is exciting and a little intimidating, if I’m honest. There’s always the question of “What if God doesn’t give me my word, but gives everyone else theirs?” or “What if I choose a word, and it’s what I personally want to work on this year, and not what God is calling me to?” But I believe that, as long as I am actively pursuing, seeking, and asking the Lord to reveal to me my one word, He will do so in His timing.

But I just wanted to share a few of the words that came to my mind yesterday during and after church that are things I can definitely work on this year, but am unsure if they are exactly my “one word”…

“Time”

Time is always something that people want to figure out in their lives – how much time to give to specific activities, when time can be carved out for self-care, spending more time with family or friends. When I thought of the word “time” yesterday, I thought about being present. I feel like my mind is always thinking about the next thing instead of actually thinking of where I am / what I’m doing in the moment. I’m already planning for tomorrow instead of living today. So, I could definitely do better at being present in this way.

But I also thought about being present with where my life is – working as a preschool teacher; having the friends and connections I have right now; having my writing, blogging, and other projects currently where they are. It can be a little frustrating to think about where I am right now because I’m not where I ultimately want to be.

Currently, I’m reading the book of Esther and, although this phrase is such a cliche in the Christian realm, the phrase “for such a time as this” kept coming to me, and making me think that maybe I am where I am in my life “for such a time as this” – for a specific reason, a specific purpose. The reason / purpose doesn’t have to be huge like it was in Esther’s life (to those unfamiliar with the story, the Lord allowed her to be queen to give her the opportunity to save her people from annihilation), but maybe I am where I am to learn a specific lesson, or to help a specific person, or simply to be content with where I am, and serve the Lord right where I am.

Thinking this way doesn’t mean I shouldn’t pursue the things I want to, but it does mean I don’t have to be frustrated with where my life is right now.

“Pride” or “Humility”

As I sat in my seat at church, the Lord brought these words to my mind.

Lately, I’ve been told that I’m really good at certain things, be it writing, dancing, singing, etc. And I truly appreciate the compliments – they really are a part of what keeps me going. However, I just felt the Holy Spirit telling me to “be careful.” Because yes, maybe I am good at all those things, but I don’t want them to go back to the glorification of myself. Because I’m not the one who made me a good writer or dancer, or a lovely singer; the Lord is the One Who created me, and gave me the talents and gifts that I have. And I feel like lately, I haven’t really thanked Him for that; I’ve simply been taking the compliments, and moving on to boost my ego.

What I’m not saying is that I should deny the compliments to act humble, but that when I receive a compliment, I should give thanks to God right then and there, to remind me that I am only who I am, and I can only do what I do because of Who He is, and who He created me to be.

“Fix your eyes” —–> “Focus”

My pastor said this phrase near the end of church, and it made me think that I should write it on a notecard, and tape it to my bedroom door so that I can see it right before I step outside to interact with anything or anyone. Because it’s a reminder for me to check myself: what am I focusing on before I walk out of my door? What do I plan to focus on throughout my day?

In order for me to really tune in to what God wants to reveal to me, I need to focus on Him. There are way too many outside distractions, especially during this time of year. My pastor mentioned that people are so focused on what their outside looks like right now – their health, their finances, their relationships – that they’re not fixing their eyes on what their inside is like. They’re not focused on Christ, and what He would have them to work towards. And if I’m honest, part of me has been focused on God, but a whole lot of me has not. So maybe “focus” will be my word this year.

 

No matter what my word is (even if it’s not any of the ones I just wrote about), I am excited to see what God is going to reveal and do throughout this year with my word, and I’m also excited to have the accountability of my church family to guide me through this. I’ll have to keep you all updated as to what my one word is / how it came about / when God revealed it to me!

#MishyWrites

Gold

I always thought that when people would talk about the Lord confirming something to them, it was sort of a magical experience. I didn’t imagine extremely drastic things, but I did think that confirmations were pretty special events.

In 2017, the Lord did use special events to confirm things for me, but more often than not, He would speak in whispers, or in ways that would seem simple and normal to some, but were significant to me personally.

My beliefs about God showing people specific things, or specific themes in their life were about the same as Him confirming things for people; I always thought that only special, specific people would be revealed certain things, but God truly did speak something that may seem small to you, but was pretty big to me.

In the last days of 2017, the color gold started showing up more and more in my day-to-day. I already had notebooks with gold-lettering or gold designs on them, but the color gold showed up in another notebook I got that will now hold poems I plan on writing every day this year. When my grandpa told me that I could look at some jewelry that a passed relative had left behind, and take whatever I liked, I found a gold butterfly pin with a stone in the middle of it. And when I went to Plato’s Closet with my sister, I found a pair of metallic gold, slip-on Vans in my exact size for a really good price (yes, I bought them).

Maybe you read all that, and think I’m just making a bigger deal out of all those things than I should. And if I am, then that will be revealed to me. But I can’t explain the feeling I got when each of those objects in the same color presented themselves to me. I’m not trying to be superstitious, and I’m not stretching for a subject to write about. There was just a particular feeling felt when I saw each one of those things. Maybe it was a bit of confirmation, I don’t know.

I can’t tell you what the Lord is saying to me through the color gold; I don’t know what it means, although I could make so many speculations and guesses based off the goals I’ve been reflecting, meditating and, most importantly, praying on…

Golden Notebooks

Since one of my goals is to write one poem a day, I’ve decided to write them in a notebook instead of keeping them on my phone. And the notebook pictured above has a subject line and date line on every page, which helps me keep all my poems organized.

If the Lord is going to bless me with more words to say, I say, “YES, LORD, I’M READY!” I look back on poems I wrote last year and think, “There’s no way that came from my own mind. There had to be some divine inspiration.” And I wonder if that’s how some of the writers of the books of the Bible felt too.

Golden Butterfly Pin

As some of you might know, I associate myself with the butterfly – the emoji, the insect, the concept, everything. Hence why my latest project is going through the three growth phases of the butterfly.

When I saw that golden butterfly pin, I immediately thought of The Butterfly Project, about what the butterfly symbolizes for myself, and what I hoped to portray through the project. I thought about my goal to speak my poems in public. And I felt a glimmer of hope despite having to face some huge fears of mine in going forward with these projects.

Golden Shoes

When I think of shoes, I think of walking, and when I think of walking, I think of directions and paths. I haven’t been sure for a very long time of where the Lord was leading me, and I’m still not 100% sure despite many things being revealed to me. But I know that I can trust Him enough with my story to follow Him wherever He calls me to be. That doesn’t mean it will be easy, but I know it will be worth it.

Again, these are just speculations and feelings of what I feel these golden objects represent for me. I’m honestly really excited to see what the Lord is going to reveal to me through this color, through those things.

I got so excited, I even got my nails done with a sparkly, gold accent. I mean, look how cute that is…

#MishyWrites 

“Me” Type of 2018

In the days before Christmas, I was already thinking about 2018, and how I want my overall attitude to be. If you follow me on Twitter, I’ve made a thread of the type of 2018 I’m going to have (that was fun, by the way haha).

2017 was really a year of growth for me, and now I feel like I’m ready for 2018 to be filled with action. But during, or even before I start planning all the actions, there needs to be some moments of active reflection on 2017…

I’m currently reading a poetry book entitled Pillow Thoughts by Courtney Peppernell, and it always amazes me how so many poets have so many thoughts that are just SO TRUE, and completely fit specific instances in my life.

And there have been several little poems of hers that have hit home for me as I reflect on 2017, and plan and envision what my 2018 will look like (again, with the openness that the Lord will move the way He so desires). So, for the next several days until the new year, I’m going to write a post on a few of Peppernell’s poems, and how they relate to my reflection and envisioning.

“When you have been someone  your whole life and suddenly you realize a part of you exists that you never realized before, it’s perhaps the hardest thing to walk away from the you that you have always known. To walk into the open arms of this new, redefined you is like saying, I don’t know you very well, but I want to.”

~ page 194, Pillow Thoughts, Courtney Peppernell

This poem perfectly describes how I feel like my 2017 has been – it was a year of revelation as the Lord showed me a part of who I am that I honestly didn’t know was there, and the year continued in confirmation as time after time He faithfully said, “Yes, this is who you are. This is who I created you to be.”

And a lot of my 2017 has been me trying to really grasp and embrace this part of me that the Lord has allowed me to discover – the poet / spoken word me. The me that I honestly was intimidated and scared of becoming, but that I now know is woven into who God has called me to be.

One of my favorite people ever, Arielle Estoria, said once that it’s amazing to see how God brings us back to the things we tend to run away from. For her, it was acting and being on stage. For me, it is writing poetry, and possibly speaking it on stages for people to hear. I’ve never really liked to perform, to be the center of attention for people to watch and stare at and take in. But now, after this year of confirmation, I’m determined to expose myself to the things I feel called to.

So yes, I’ve definitely felt moments of not knowing who this part of me was, and striving to get to know me. And I plan on going into 2018 with this me completely accepted.

I challenge you to look back into 2017, and ask yourself – were there things about yourself that you never knew that you had to face? Have you been afraid to accept who you are / who you’re called to be? How can you better embrace yourself going into 2018?

#MishyWrites #Typeof2018

 

“no. 111517”

My feet shift under the quicksands of those too quick to commit,
And those too hesitant to even try.
I’ve fallen on my face one too many times and
I’m over it.
Yes, lessons were learned –
People came and went, some came back unexpectedly,
And yes,
I’m thankful for that.
How many times though do I need to find myself on my knees,
Asking God to please just have His way,
Knowing good and well that He’s going to, whether I like it or not?

The last time I adamantly prayed that prayer, you left.

And even though I convinced myself that I’d be okay,
That I’d be strong through it, and accept it for what it was,
I was weaker than I realized.

I crumbled.

And it took so long to rebuild myself again.
To allow the Lord to break me down just to show me what He could create in me,
Using me to mold something new.

Revealing someone I didn’t know lived inside of me.

And now that I it in this new skin,
This new form,
I can’t help but wonder sometimes who in the world could look at a creature like me and
Not be intimidated.
Who would dare take the risk of coming close to someone like me: someone so
Bold and beautiful,
Shining bright, laughing loud, speaking so much truth,
Who in their right minds would stand by my side,
Take my hand and
Love me?

Admittedly, there are days that the thought seems completely impossible.
But I know I have the comfort of my God,
Who knows my heart –
What it yearns for, what it needs –
He hears my questions,
My fears, my wonders,
He sees my fears,
And even though no one’s decided to
Step up and
Stand by me,
My God has always stood by me to gently tell me that
It is well. All is well with Him.
That He is capable of touching me deeper than anyone in this world ever could.
And even though my soul my waver between
It is well and
It is hard,
It is hurtful,
It is lonely…

I will wait.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

pretty luvvy.

I looked at myself in the mirror today and
Realized that I haven’t seen myself as

Disgusting,
Ugly,
Worthless…

For quite some time.

I realized how it’s been a minute since I believed my
Brown skin was
Inferior to
White.
How I used to think my value lied in what I looked like compared to everyone else,
Rather than the fact that I am a

Beautiful creation,
Crafted by a wonderful Creator,
Destined to walk through those days of shame and hurt;
Days filled with questions like:

“When will they ever see me as enough?”
“When will I ever reach my full physical potential?”
“Maybe I’ll just glo up when I get older…?”

All those days lived through for me to
Learn to love myself,
To be in awe of my allure.

How freeing it is to know my beauty doesn’t rest in
The thoughts of boys and men.
How amazing it is to look at my face –
To admire my eyes, nose, lips, and mouth –
And not wish they weren’t mine.
To see myself in a glass over and over again and think,

“Wow…I am stunning.
I am gorgeous, flawless, graceful.
I am pretty.
I am worthy.”

These types of moments make up for all those days
Wishing I was someone
Other than myself.

Longing to look like someone else.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

a poet’s prayers

One of my favorite poets wrote a long Instagram post, expressing her gratefulness for 90K followers. Within the post, she expressed that she prayed over her words every day, and honestly, that really just convicted me.

I’m not sure who she prays to, but I know Who I pray to – Jesus Christ, God Almighty, the Holy Spirit, the three-in-one Trinity – and I realize that in the midst of me planning all this stuff that will hopefully start happening within the next couple of months, yes, I have prayed, but I have been consistently praying? Because, I don’t want anything that I’m planning to just come from me because I think it sounds good or looks good.

And I know that just because I pray consistently over my words / the words I will eventually write and say, that it everything will come easily to me. But that’s exactly what faith is; relying on God to handle things even when we’re unsure, when we can’t see what the outcome will be.

So, as I do my daily challenges, I will now be challenging myself to continue to pray over my words every single day. Because my words are such a huge part of who I am, and they’re all I ever want my career to be in this lifetime, unless the Lord calls me elsewhere. Just wanted to share this thought with you all.

Speaking of daily challenges, today’s challenge is to get to bed on time (which I haven’t been doing the past couple of nights, and not for good / productive reasons either), and I only have four more hours to put some real work in. And it’s a hair night? I gotta go!

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

writer’s thoughts – ad lib

Guyssss, it’s SO HARD to figure out what to write about / it’s hard because I’ll write poems, but I never know if I want to share them with you NOW, or wait until I put them in a book before I share them.

But sometimes the things I write just reflect a feeling I’m currently having, and it just…feels right, you know? It expresses exactly what I’m trying to communicate, and I hope and pray that it can resonate with someone else.

Yet (and I’ve written about this before) it’s hard because I definitely do want to be vulnerable, but how vulnerable is too vulnerable? All of these thoughts are running through my head tonight as I figure out exactly what to blog about.

Because it’s been a minute since I’ve tried to blog every day, and I miss it. I say that every time, and then fail to actually write every day, but I sincerely do miss blogging every day. Maybe it’s because I’m having a harder time figuring out what to write about; maybe I’ve lost the ability to observe, and really be present in my day-to-day so I can actually write about something that I truly have noticed in my life.

Things are a whirlwind, honestly. I lie in my bed at night after every day that goes by, and I think, “Has today already gone by? Am I already in bed again, ready to sleep, praying to be blessed with another day tomorrow?” And I hate wishing away days; too many times I’ll be at work, and think, “I can’t wait until this week is over,” yet someone in the world wasn’t blessed to see the end of the week, or even the end of the day, for that matter.

I don’t know…just a lot going on in my head, and still, I’m unsure of exactly where this blog post is going.

I sometimes feel like an inadequate writer / blogger because my posts are so random sometimes, and nonconsecutive. I stick to the saying that in order for a writer to get better, you have to write every day, and I feel that about any gift or talent – take a step every day towards something you want to accomplish, succeed in, keep alive. Yet, do I write every day? Honestly, no. And it pains me so much. How can I say I’m a writer, yet not do what I hold so strongly to? Yes, life happens, but isn’t there a way I can fit in what truly matters into my daily life?

And then I think…some of the greatest writers/bloggers I know don’t blog every day. They only hit the highlights, and they’re posts are truly meaningful, while I’m stuck here at my laptop, trying to concoct something, pulling poems from old journals so I can say that, yes, I in fact did have something to post onto the blog today. But what if I should just drop the whole “blog every day” thing, and just blog when there have been some major, significant thoughts instead of the modern-day ramblings of a writer? I’m pretty sure I’ve also posted something about this thought process as well. I reach this point, and tell myself that I don’t have to be like other writers – I don’t have to emulate everything other writers do in order for me to be a good, respected writer. I can take my time and craft out my thoughts, or I can sit down and write a real, messy bunch of words to post onto my blog.

There’s freedom in doing what I love; there is no formula. I just want to continue creating, writing, doing, moving forward in this.

And that’s a major fear I have about all of this writing – what if I put in the work, and nothing good comes from it? I honestly can’t really say / think that as someone who’s blog has truly grown in the past year since I’ve revamped it, worked on it, written so many thoughts, stories, posts, poems…There truly is growth in the work I’ve put in. So there should be no worries about not moving forward.

And even if there hasn’t been any growth, there shouldn’t be worries because God knows what He’s doing, even if I don’t know. There have been so many times I’ve written something, kind of just tossing it onto the page to post it, and someone was blessed by what I had to say, and I didn’t even think what I wrote was “important,” or “worthy enough” for someone to be touched by it. I’m blessed that God has been using me to speak, even when I didn’t think I was being used.

Don’t know where I was going with this post…I honestly think that there is a time every once in a while where I’ll just ramble on a page, hoping what I say makes sense, so I plaster the title “writer’s thoughts” onto it, and hope for the best!

These are things I’ve just been thinking. If you resonated with any of these thoughts, I’d love to hear which one(s), and how it resonated with you so please comment below, or email me, get in contact with me somehow, and we can chat it up!

Halfway through the week, yay! Ready to see what the rest of the week holds.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨