a poet’s prayers

One of my favorite poets wrote a long Instagram post, expressing her gratefulness for 90K followers. Within the post, she expressed that she prayed over her words every day, and honestly, that really just convicted me.

I’m not sure who she prays to, but I know Who I pray to – Jesus Christ, God Almighty, the Holy Spirit, the three-in-one Trinity – and I realize that in the midst of me planning all this stuff that will hopefully start happening within the next couple of months, yes, I have prayed, but I have been consistently praying? Because, I don’t want anything that I’m planning to just come from me because I think it sounds good or looks good.

And I know that just because I pray consistently over my words / the words I will eventually write and say, that it everything will come easily to me. But that’s exactly what faith is; relying on God to handle things even when we’re unsure, when we can’t see what the outcome will be.

So, as I do my daily challenges, I will now be challenging myself to continue to pray over my words every single day. Because my words are such a huge part of who I am, and they’re all I ever want my career to be in this lifetime, unless the Lord calls me elsewhere. Just wanted to share this thought with you all.

Speaking of daily challenges, today’s challenge is to get to bed on time (which I haven’t been doing the past couple of nights, and not for good / productive reasons either), and I only have four more hours to put some real work in. And it’s a hair night? I gotta go!

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

writer’s thoughts – ad lib

Guyssss, it’s SO HARD to figure out what to write about / it’s hard because I’ll write poems, but I never know if I want to share them with you NOW, or wait until I put them in a book before I share them.

But sometimes the things I write just reflect a feeling I’m currently having, and it just…feels right, you know? It expresses exactly what I’m trying to communicate, and I hope and pray that it can resonate with someone else.

Yet (and I’ve written about this before) it’s hard because I definitely do want to be vulnerable, but how vulnerable is too vulnerable? All of these thoughts are running through my head tonight as I figure out exactly what to blog about.

Because it’s been a minute since I’ve tried to blog every day, and I miss it. I say that every time, and then fail to actually write every day, but I sincerely do miss blogging every day. Maybe it’s because I’m having a harder time figuring out what to write about; maybe I’ve lost the ability to observe, and really be present in my day-to-day so I can actually write about something that I truly have noticed in my life.

Things are a whirlwind, honestly. I lie in my bed at night after every day that goes by, and I think, “Has today already gone by? Am I already in bed again, ready to sleep, praying to be blessed with another day tomorrow?” And I hate wishing away days; too many times I’ll be at work, and think, “I can’t wait until this week is over,” yet someone in the world wasn’t blessed to see the end of the week, or even the end of the day, for that matter.

I don’t know…just a lot going on in my head, and still, I’m unsure of exactly where this blog post is going.

I sometimes feel like an inadequate writer / blogger because my posts are so random sometimes, and nonconsecutive. I stick to the saying that in order for a writer to get better, you have to write every day, and I feel that about any gift or talent – take a step every day towards something you want to accomplish, succeed in, keep alive. Yet, do I write every day? Honestly, no. And it pains me so much. How can I say I’m a writer, yet not do what I hold so strongly to? Yes, life happens, but isn’t there a way I can fit in what truly matters into my daily life?

And then I think…some of the greatest writers/bloggers I know don’t blog every day. They only hit the highlights, and they’re posts are truly meaningful, while I’m stuck here at my laptop, trying to concoct something, pulling poems from old journals so I can say that, yes, I in fact did have something to post onto the blog today. But what if I should just drop the whole “blog every day” thing, and just blog when there have been some major, significant thoughts instead of the modern-day ramblings of a writer? I’m pretty sure I’ve also posted something about this thought process as well. I reach this point, and tell myself that I don’t have to be like other writers – I don’t have to emulate everything other writers do in order for me to be a good, respected writer. I can take my time and craft out my thoughts, or I can sit down and write a real, messy bunch of words to post onto my blog.

There’s freedom in doing what I love; there is no formula. I just want to continue creating, writing, doing, moving forward in this.

And that’s a major fear I have about all of this writing – what if I put in the work, and nothing good comes from it? I honestly can’t really say / think that as someone who’s blog has truly grown in the past year since I’ve revamped it, worked on it, written so many thoughts, stories, posts, poems…There truly is growth in the work I’ve put in. So there should be no worries about not moving forward.

And even if there hasn’t been any growth, there shouldn’t be worries because God knows what He’s doing, even if I don’t know. There have been so many times I’ve written something, kind of just tossing it onto the page to post it, and someone was blessed by what I had to say, and I didn’t even think what I wrote was “important,” or “worthy enough” for someone to be touched by it. I’m blessed that God has been using me to speak, even when I didn’t think I was being used.

Don’t know where I was going with this post…I honestly think that there is a time every once in a while where I’ll just ramble on a page, hoping what I say makes sense, so I plaster the title “writer’s thoughts” onto it, and hope for the best!

These are things I’ve just been thinking. If you resonated with any of these thoughts, I’d love to hear which one(s), and how it resonated with you so please comment below, or email me, get in contact with me somehow, and we can chat it up!

Halfway through the week, yay! Ready to see what the rest of the week holds.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

Two Years Ago…

This morning, my newly downloaded Google photos app notified me that I should look back on this day, two years ago. Curious, I opened the notification to pictures of me, my sister, and my best friend Bria at Mojo Burrito and then at an Issues concert.

I remember the day like it was yesterday.

Two years ago today, it was a school night; a Thursday. I probably got someone to cover my library work shift so I could go to this concert. Before leaving town, the three of us got dinner at Mojo Burrito, then  made our way to Atlanta. I remember realizing we were going to be late to the concert, which meant it would probably be harder to try to find parking for the venue, and we might miss some good opening acts.

My usual self would be visibly frustrated, to the point in which my sister would attempt to calm me down, but only irritate me more, which would then cause Bria to truly calm me down. But I clearly remember making the conscious decision to just let everything play out instead of worrying and freaking out, which made the car ride down more enjoyable.

And when we got to the venue after sitting through some typical Atlanta traffic? A couple left their parking spot that was right across the street from the venue, and I was able to perfectly parallel park into it. When we got into the venue, we’d missed one or two opening acts, but we were still able to catch the main two bands we wanted to see (PVRIS and Issues), plus we got to meet Bad Seed Rising after the show too.

The night ended with a trip to McDonald’s for fries and a large sweet tea, what would become a regular post-concert snack for me. And once we got back to campus at like 2:30am, Bria and I were still awake enough to take a picture of us wearing our Issues shirts.

And I remember at the end of the night thinking and expressing to Bria how I’d just let go of the frustrations I was wanting to hold onto, and allowed God to move throughout the night, and He’d provided in so many awesome ways. He didn’t have to, but he did, and it was awesome to be a part of that amazing night.

Crazy how that was all two years ago; how I could remember all those details, and remember that that was probably one of the first nights I actively trusted God with a situation, and I watched Him provide. Two years later, and I would see so many more of these kinds of situations in my life, and I’m grateful for every single one of them, and how they’ve all shaped me, my faith, my perspective.

With me actively getting back to work with writing and whatnot, this was the type of reminder I needed: that I could let go of the fear, the worry, the frustration that this process has the potential to cause, and just have faith that God will work His way through every single detail.

Happy Saturday, luvvies, aka my favorite day of the week! Whatever you’ve got going on today, I pray that you’ll release any fears, worries, and frustrations; call on God; and watch Him work through your circumstances. He hears you. He knows your heart and your desires. Trust in Him.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

I’m Alive…

Wow. It’s definitely been a minute since I put my fingers to the keys, and blogged. I’ve done some writing outside of blogging, but geez, I have definitely missed this outlet.

A lot has been going on in my life recently. My best friend Bria came into town for several days, so that was a major adventure. Then right after that, I began my move to a new living situation with another one of my best friends Caylin into a house, not an apartment. The transition hasn’t been rough, although if I’m honest, it’s really shaken up some things for me physically, financially, mentally, and spiritually. Surprisingly, not so much emotionally – I think in that aspect, I was ready for the change. A new season brings new challenges, yes, but it also brings new adventures and possibilities.

Well, as the move was happening, I got a head cold, which made me really slow down this past weekend, and think about my current situation. In some ways, I didn’t think I’d ever see myself here – you can read that in either a positive or negative way, because I was feeling both. And I wasn’t sure how to handle it.

But after refocusing spiritually – pushing myself to go to church on Sunday, even in sickness – I was reminded of the hope I have in Christ, not the hope I have in my circumstances or situations. So…

Even though I hadn’t moved in all my stuff in the timeline I thought I would move in…
Even though I unexpectedly got sick, and had to take some time to recover…
Even though I didn’t have much money to do / get all the things I wanted in regards to the house, or even socially…

I am alive. And I’m very well.

I took some time to game-plan for my writing. Not so much blog…I’m talking bigger projects, hopefully things that will be released within this year and into the next. I’m so excited.

Honestly, I’ve been extremely distracted, and unmotivated – despite encouraging and motivating others, I found myself in sort of a rut, unable to really push forward into some of the things I wanted to do. But I think the Lord has used everything that’s happened recently – from my best friend being into town, to the move into my new house, to even being sick – to steer me into the direction I need to go.

So, here we go.

I’m alive. Very well. And ready to work.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

“no. 91217”

My hand is outstretched, and my heart hopes you take it.
Sometimes when you do, I feel like I’m standing in a room with a crowd full of people
Completely naked,
And so many things are being thrown at me.
So many questions, comments, complaints, concerns and
I just wanted to share something with you – a lesson
I recently learned in my life.
Our hands held tightly together, I didn’t realize
The commitment
I’d signed up for.
I wasn’t aware that I’d be stripped down to the core of my being,
That piece after piece of me would be taken
With nothing left for myself, it seems.

Yet, this is what I long to do.
I long for you to feel the deep understanding of someone
You have never met. Someone you never knew.
And in this moment, we connect.
But you’ve attempted to trace it back to me
And I’m unsettled…
I don’t want to regret the choice I made
To open myself up.

I only want you to take what I’ve given and
See for yourself how it applies to the
Situations, people, places
In your life.
Don’t look back at me and try to analyze it all.
Please.

I kind of want a piece of me back.
More than one, if that’s okay.
It’s not that I don’t want you to know who I am.
I’d love to get to know you too.
But there’s a line that needs to be drawn, I think,
And whether that’s up to me, or you,
I’m not sure.

Because this is who I am. So do I need to change?
Rearrange the way I give my hand out
So as not to hand out every single part of me?
Maybe space is what I need,
But my goal is to draw you near,
And I fear that if I go too far away
My hand won’t reach you wherever you
Stand, sit, lie, or stay.

But there’s got to be some sort of distance between us.
Yes, there must be.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

Changes…in Thought

Last week, I started talking to myself in the car again.

Well, it was mostly praying. I was praying out loud in the car on the way to work, and as I prayed, I noticed the flow of my speech, and honestly, I scared myself in a good way. So much so that I stopped the music on my phone, and turned on my voice recorder, and just started speaking. I spoke everything that was on my heart, and it was so freeing because it was just me in the car; I could say whatever I wanted to say, however I wanted to say it, and not be judged for it.

I wrote a short poem a while back about how I used to think that my thoughts weren’t valuable enough to be heard, read, or written. I used to think that the way I thought about the world was immature and naive, so I just stayed silent. Not that I think my thoughts are constantly flowing with wisdom now; I know that I still have a lot to learn about the world.

But hearing myself speak about what I was thinking and praying about that morning – it opened up a whole new avenue for me. Yes, writing will always be my main outlet, but speaking has really become a major part of who I am as well. And hearing me just speak thoughts that came to my mind – thoughts that the Lord allowed for me to have – it blew my mind. It rocked my world.

There have always been moments when I think a thought, and I tell myself, “Ahh, I cannot wait to write that down!” And once I get a free moment, or I’m home, the thought is forgotten.

So, I am changing the way I handle my thoughts. When I first began writing more, I did better at writing ideas and thoughts down so as not to forget them. Nowadays, it’s harder for me to remember mostly everything because my mind is going a mile a minute, and I feel like my skill of multitasking is fading.

But I hope that as I continue to find the quieter, slower moments in my day, I am able to slow down, and process the thoughts I have. And hopefully be able to write more thoroughly about them instead of waiting last minute to write about things!

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

Changes…in Speech

A couple of weeks ago, I was reading my Bible, and as I was reading through a few chapters of Proverbs, several verses focused on speech, language, the lips, the mouth, and the tongue…(all verses are taken from the English Standard Version)

From Proverbs 15…

“The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.” –  verse 2 

“A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” – verse 4

“The lips of the wise spread knowledge; not so the hearts of fools.” – verse 7

From Proverbs 16…

“Righteous lips are the delight of a king and he loves him who speaks what is right.” – verse 13

“The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips.” – verse 23

“Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.” – verse 24 

From Proverbs 17…

“Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.” – verse 27

From Proverbs 18…

“The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.” – verse 4

And honestly, these references got me thinking about convictions I’d been thinking about for a while about the way I speak – the words I use, why I use them, what exactly is considered “perverse speech,” what is acceptable/unacceptable to say, what is slander?

I feel like I’ve heard before that in the Bible when it talks about “perverse speech,” it means mostly saying the Lord’s name in vain. Don’t quote me on that though…I’m not exactly sure.

As for slander, well, that’s talking about other people – gossiping, bringing people down. I can’t say that I never do those things, because I’d be lying.

Another thing I will be honest about: as I’ve gotten older, I’ve been using more cuss words when I speak, mostly among my peers, and a lot more so when I’m alone muttering under my breath, or when I’m frustrated about something. Instead of skipping the cuss words in songs, I sing them out boldly. And this all began about a year ago after so many songs that described the way I was feeling were released, and they all had cuss words in them. I justified singing them because using the profanity just made it seem more powerful; it validated how passionate my emotions were.

It also doesn’t help that all my friends were / are using cuss words too. There was a point in which one of my friends and I decided to stop cussing, and I was happy I wasn’t the only one who wanted to strive to speak better. But lately, I’ve slipped back into it.

Some of you may be thinking…

Mishy…You’re An Adult…

Yeah, I know that, and society says that once you hit a certain age (which is even younger than twenty-one honestly…more like sixteen these days…maybe younger), using certain words is acceptable. At least in American culture. Many cuss words used in America are normal, every day words in other countries. Maybe even in different parts of America they’re used differently. Anyways we won’t get into that.

But cussing is just the way most young people talk; it’s the way this generation speaks to each other. Using those words just places emphasis on everything.

Something I’ve realized is that people from my generation and younger exaggerate a lot. We place emphasis on things that are truly so basic. We are all “hella extra” and proud (I admit, I am an extra person in some ways…). So we think it’s okay to use language that expresses all of these things.

But words like damnshit, the f-word that had such harsh meanings years before now basically mean nothing these days it seems. Or they’re words that replace verysooops, etc. We’ve neutralized them into just being filler words to add dramatic effect, sometimes to equally dramatic situations, but sometimes not so much.

Using words like this shouldn’t be a defining characteristic of what makes you an adult, or cool or whatever else people thinks it makes them. I’ve heard twelve-year-olds use these words, and have had to stop and wonder where in the world they heard that from. But truly, they are everywhere, being used by mostly everyone.

I know you’re probably thinking I’m dissecting this way too much; why do I care so much about the words I use? Why can’t I just stop cussing, move on, and not blog about it? Well, for one, it’s content soooo…

Another thing is that words are so powerful. So powerful. I mean, people get their feelings hurt every day, how? Words. Decisions are made using words. Words play a huge role in life. And as a now preschool teacher, I definitely need to watch what I say so as not to influence the little ones I teach in terrible speech (oo, you read that rhyme in there?).

But it’s not just because I teach two-year-olds. Words are such a big deal to me personally. They’re what I want my career to be based off of. They’re a part of my major dream as a writer and spoken word artist. I have a whole site based on a mantra that “Your words matter,” yet I’m slinging words around in my every day speech as if I truly don’t believe that. As if the words I use don’t have some affect or display of the knowledge and wisdom within my mind. As if they don’t have the power to heal, to influence, to give delight to someone because I am speaking what is right.

Never have I ever felt the need to use cuss words or anything like that in my writing, be it blogging or spoken word. I feel like as a writer and speaker, valuing the integrity of my words is a major part of who I am and what I do. Am I saying that other writers who choose to use words like the ones I’ve mentioned do not stand for the value of words? No, of course not. As writers themselves, they choose how and what words can be used to express their feelings and thoughts about their perspective of the world. I’m not here to judge other writers and the words they use, I’m here to evaluate myself, and how I feel about the words I am using.

And I strive to be a person that people look at, and don’t have to question whether or not it’s okay for their child or their loved one who is more sensitive to the use of words, to read or hear what I have to say. Again, I’m not saying everyone is wrong for using cuss words. However, I am saying that maybe it is wrong for me to use them.

So, I am now in the process of changing my speech; of being more aware of what I say, and how I say it. I want whatever I say and write to be pleasing to God, and I just feel like not using certain words is my personal way of doing that. That, plus also lessening the gossiping; I’ve written a blog post previously about not talking negatively about people. I have a specific event every Monday (#MotivationalMishyMondays) on Instagram live that aims to encourage and build people up. What would it be like if those same people who came to that live heard me talking smack about someone while I was at work, or out with a friend? It’s so difficult to not gossip because it’s so easy to do, and everyone does it. Everyone. It’s still a challenge for me to lessen it, and stop altogether, but I want to strive to do so.

I’m going to end with the main Bible verse I use when I think about my writing and my speaking…

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” – Psalm 19:14 (ESV)

#MishyWrites 🦋✨