another writer’s rant (sorry lol)

There are some poets, thinkers, writers that I follow, and you know, I honestly long to be like them.

They’re able to tweet such profound thoughts that just click with you immediately, causing you to want to retweet instantly. Their writings also fit you like the perfect puzzle piece, as if they’d been spying on you during a season of your life, and decided to write works based on your experiences.

The power to relate to people – that is something I long for.

Not to say that I haven’t had those moments; I’ve had people comment on my posts, or message me saying that they really related to what I wrote about. And in those moments, I am grateful and super humbled. Like, who am I that someone should feel touched by my writing?

I know that that isn’t all my writing is about; there’s definitely more to it than just wanting to connect with people, although that is a huge motivator as to why I do it.

But connecting with people can also be a major pressure. I will admit, after I got some attention and recognition for my piece “Some Nights,” I was tempted in two major ways:

1. Believing  I Had “Made It”

Did I accomplish something cool and amazing? Yes, and I will forever be grateful for it because it was an opportunity given to me. But it was just a step; a major step that would really push me and motivate me to work towards some major goals. But nothing that would totally define me as “making it.” There’s still work to do.

And I think this type of thinking is something that’s hindering me from working. Even though I am pretty much on the bottom of the food chain here, I feel pride wanting to step in and be like, “Well, you accomplished this already, people should be asking you to do this or that. Or this opportunity should be open to you.” Pride even comes when nothing’s been said about my writing, and I’ve worked so hard on it. Like, I put out a piece or a thought that I think is pretty well-written and then there’s silence. And I’m like…”Well did NO ONE read it?”

These are just honest thoughts I’ve had, but haven’t dwelled on knowing that if I dwell on them for too long, I’ll really start to believe it. And I’m just being honest because I’m only human; I’m definitely not perfect, and it’s a battle and struggle every day to, as Kendrick Lamar says, “sit down, be humble.”

2. “Give the People What They Want”

It’s also difficult sometimes to have people watching and waiting for your writing. Even though as a writer, it’s something I desire – like I want people to be impatient to read what I have next – but once I started getting a little more attention because of my writing, I found I had to work really hard to focus on God and my life, goals, etc. Being in constant prayer is a must; I am incapable of being selfless without the help of the Holy Spirit.

And focusing on what others’ want to hear from me is a major temptation, but it never produces anything genuine, or anything I feel comfortable with sharing.

Writing for other people, although super tempting to do, just isn’t good. I mean, yeah, eventually I want to be writing for other people, meaning I want to write a book for people to read. And I don’t see a problem in writing a piece or poem for someone asking for it specifically for a project or song or whatever.

But I never want to write something based on the sole reason that it’s “what the people want.” Because the saying goes “give the people what they want,” but when it comes to dictating what I write, I honestly don’t want to be that writer. I want whatever I write to be God-inspired because I know that if it is so, the people who need to read it or hear it will hear it or read it in the exact time they need it because the Lord wills it so.

I honestly don’t know where any of what I just wrote came from. Just some thoughts cycling in the back of my mind as I go throughout my day, I guess.

“Everyday grind.” a friend just texted me. And it’s no lie, it is a grind for real.

Prayers appreciated! And, if you anyone else feels like this – be it about writing, or anything else they’re passionate about – I’d love to know your thoughts! Email me, tweet at me, DM me, I feel like all my social media is pretty known!

Sweet dreams, luvvies!

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋

 

walls.

“Story of my life I can’t quite comprehend. Don’t tell me if you know how it ends.”

These are some words from one of my favorite artists, The Rocket Summer i.e. Bryce Avary from his song “Walls.”

Honestly, I’ve been quite discouraged about where I am in my work. I’ve gotten pretty distracted by other projects, and other changes happening in my life (like work schedules and wisdom teeth surgery), and I feel like the clock is winding down on everything I need to accomplish, and because I’ve been doing a poor job at accomplishing things, I just need to surrender and realize it’s not going to get done.

I’ve been so discouraged that I almost didn’t do a #MotivationalMishyMonday tonight on Instagram live. Yes, I initially forgot about it, but the truth of the matter is, once I realized I needed to do it, I didn’t want to because I as feeling down and out. How could an unmotivated person like me go on Instagram and try to be all motivational for other people?

Just as I wrote about in my last post about being single, I was tempted to create another wall; a wall that hindered me from doing the work I knew needed to get done. A wall that discouraged me from even taking a step in the right direction towards accomplishing my goals. A wall of keeping silent about struggling through being unmotivated. And wanting to build this wall made me not want to do an IG live.

“I’ll help you break the walls down.”

But I’m so glad I went live; because I was very honest with the people who were live with me about how I was feeling about everything I was working on, and each person gave me some amazing pieces of advice that I feel like I needed to hear.

Even though I expressed this a little during the live, I want to thank each and every person who was there and who encouraged me, or even just talked to me tonight. Even though we may not know each other well or personally, your presence was needed in this exact moment in my life, and the Lord knew it.

This isn’t to say that people who didn’t join the live weren’t or aren’t as helpful to me in my times of discouragement. But here in this moment, I needed to hear the words that were said (or typed). I normally go on IG live to encourage others, but a lot of the time, I find that I am encourage by the people who join.

So, with another week officially started, I am willing to really re-prioritize why I’m doing all that I’m doing (thank you, Hannah). I’m ready to keep praying more and seeking the Lord on all that is going on. I’m ready to change my space; to rearrange some things so that my mind isn’t distracted by things surrounding me (thank you, Brittany). I am currently texting my best friend about what’s going on, telling her my feelings, and asking for advice and prayer (thank you, MiMi).

Thank you all for helping break my walls down. Thank you to Bryce Avary for writing and making music that will help re-focus my intentions, and express what I’m feeling. Thank You, Jesus, for a three-day weekend, and another start to a new week.

Philippians 4:13 – “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.”

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋

“i say, ‘I’m Fine,’ but i’m not.”

Okay, I’m going to admit something…

Earlier this week, I was struggling a lot with loneliness. It’s not that I don’t have friends, or family who love me. But, come on…I’m a woman in her early twenties, aaaaand I’m single. And I’ve been single for a long time. My whole life, actually. I don’t like to point that out, but I mean, it’s a fact.

And I think that sometimes, because I’m a Christian, I can’t admit that I’m sad that I’m single because I’m supposed to be satisfied and filled with the love of Jesus, and I’m not supposed to feel lonely or crave earthly affection or romantic love. But gosh darn it, I do, okay? I am human; the Lord created us for relationship with Him on the spiritual level, but He also created us to have relationships with each other. And I’ve never experienced that, romantically at least. And I’ll admit, sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on something.

I know (because I’ve been told by everyone who is in a romantic relationship, and have witnessed it) that romantic relationships are hard. But that doesn’t make me want one any less.

So, there are days when it doesn’t bother me that I’m single, and there are days when it bothers me a lot. I know I’m not the only one who’s felt like this, therefore, I feel no shame in admitting it. It’s hard out here, y’all. And yes, I have heard, and I understand all those encouraging sayings to all the single people out there such as: “Just be patient, the Lord has a plan for you.” (well, that plan may be that I’m single for the rest of my life, who knows, you know?)

I know that parents, friends, small group leaders, etc. say this to be encouraging, and sometimes it is encouraging, and man, sometimes it’s not. Waiting is hard. Being patient? HARD.

And during this period of waiting, I tend to put up this wall, this shield so that the loneliness, and all the other negative feelings that sometimes go along with being single, don’t phase me. Or so I would like to make myself and others think.

But no, underneath that shield, that armor, is a fragile human being that gets hit with all those emotions and all those feelings all at once, and just longs to be loved.

Now, I do believe that as a Christian, I should be hiding behind the love of Jesus instead of this figurative wall or shield or armor that I’m using to deny these feelings I have. I do believe that His love is the only one that truly satisfies. And I’ll be honest, there are days when I think I really understand this concept, and there are days I wonder how I could ever feel satisfied by it because somehow I don’t anymore. I’m still learning how to accept it, still growing in it, still wanting it.

Because I would rather not feel any of the feelings I feel in this super short poem I wrote, and truly understand His love. I’d rather just rest in Perfect Love that doesn’t leave, that casts out fear, that died for me and all the sins of humanity instead of hide behind this makeshift boundary I’ve created.

Maybe later I’ll write a redemptive portion for this poem, but for now, here we are with the vulnerable feelings, plain and simple. This is just how I feel sometimes. #TruthPrevails

“i say, ‘I’m Fine,’ but i’m not.”

Sometimes
I put on this armor,
Hold up this shield that deflects all of the
Hurt,
Loneliness,
Shame,
Pity,
Ugliness,
For just a little while.
The armor can only take so much
Before it falls apart,
And
All of the feelings
Hit me at once.

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋

“fix my compass, Lord.”

I wrote this short little poem after a week of some stillness in my life. And when I say that, I mean spiritual stillness.

Life seemed to be going well that week; the days came and went. But I was just feeling like things were…too calm. Have you ever been suspicious when life seems to be going a little too smoothly? I’m not saying that we should be extremely skeptical when good things happen, or when we have easy days or weeks.

But the feeling I had was that I wasn’t growing or being tested. I wasn’t facing any trials, therefore I wasn’t learning anything new. And, as much as I crave easy weeks, I didn’t like the easiness I was feeling. I was feeling distant from God because of it; I longed for the Lord to challenge me, so that I could grow close to Him.

So, that’s when I wrote this.

“fix my compass, Lord.”

Sometimes it’s scary when
The sea is calm.
When there is nothing threatening you,
Attempting to pull you off course.
Days that are easy seem unbelievable.
To some, it means they’re on the right track
For me?
I feel that I need to be pointed back in
The right direction.

#MishyWrites

Mishy

“heavy promises.”

I wasn’t planning on posting this little poem until later, but in light of some recent situations, it got me thinking about it. This is straight from my journal, y’all…that’s how you know it’s real and raw. No edits, nothing. Totally authentic.

But lately I’ve been having to think about promises, and the ones people make. I know that I made some promises that I truly intended on keeping, and have kept. I also made promises that I intended on keeping, but after seeing how hazardous it was to myself either mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or all of the above, I couldn’t fully keep the promise the way I thought I could.

At first, I wasn’t okay with it; I felt like a hypocrite and a traitor for not being able to keep up with my promise. But then the Lord really began to speak to me, and show me that I am incapable of keeping some promises; that the weight and toxicity of the promises I made was not worth me trying to put my all into a specific situation, especially if it was causing me to take my focus off of my relationship with Him.

Just because I promise something, it doesn’t mean I have to execute that promise in the specific ways I always imagined it being executed in. My ideas of keeping that promise might be flawed, and maybe the only way I can keep that promise is to pray for someone and keep my distance, or simply text or call that person every once in a while.

Some promises just aren’t capable of being kept. Promising something is pretty heavy in itself, and I think that I personally need to learn to be more aware and cautious of exactly what I promise, and to whom I promise it too.

“heavy promises.”

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I can’t be the person you want me to be all the time for you. The respect I owe myself is way overdue, and I truly don’t think it’s selfish to want to have that back. All this time, I thought your back was against a wall; I thought you were the only one suffering, the only one in such a state that you couldn’t see past your past that’s stood above you, that’s had a grip around your neck for too long.

When all along, it was me. I was the one suffering under my own hand, suffocating myself to make you feel better because I couldn’t stand breaking a promise I told you I’d keep. I’d rather crucify myself than see you have the worst day of your life. I’d rather linger in the darkness as I tried, but failed to give you ray after ray of sunshine.

Some promises are too dangerous to be kept.

I’m sorry I can’t keep mine.

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋

be grateful. enjoy life.

I couldn’t sleep last night.

I was in this weird state – a state that wasn’t even equally divided between asleep and awake. It was as if I were on the outside of my body, feeling myself heavily breathing, wrapped around my sheets, desperately searching for the rest I needed. Yet, almost an hour later, and my body wasn’t at rest, despite the fact that my mind was extremely exhausted.

Why the beginnings of sleep for me last night were like this, I couldn’t tell you. Maybe it was anxiety or worry, or maybe it was caused by something I ate right before I went to bed. Whatever it was, it honestly scared me. It didn’t feel right at all; it felt like the most unnatural thing I’ve ever felt.

Thank the Lord He allowed me to fall asleep after that though. I woke up the next morning from deep sleep, wondering if what I’d gone through was just a crazy dream, or if it had been real. But I knew the answer – it was real, something like that was too vivid for me to believe it was a dream.

I still don’t have an answer as to why I experienced something like that, and I’m sort of scared to go to sleep tonight to find out that I may experience it again.

But after talking to some big brothers of mine, one whom has experienced weird sleep episodes like this, I feel a little better because of the advice he gave me.

I think it’s crazy though how we take something as simple as sleep for granted, and when it’s taken from us, we’re at a loss, wondering what we did wrong to deserve such a punishment. I hadn’t thought about this in a while, since my brother who normally has insomnia hasn’t had much trouble with it recently, but goodness. After experiencing that one episode, I can’t imagine having to deal with it every single night.

Truthfully, I didn’t really know where this post was going to go, but after I had that small conversation about my little episode and am thinking about it in comparison to my brother’s many episodes, I am thanking God just for the blessing of sweet sleep.

And ultimately, I want to say – be grateful for what you have and where you are.  I know that you want to have things you currently don’t have, and you want to be somewhere other than where you are right now. I know this because I am like this a lot, yet I should be more thankful for the things I have instead of always craving more. That doesn’t mean I should stop striving towards my goals, towards something greater, or towards some dreams I have.

But it does mean that, as I’m striving, I need to be more aware of where I currently am, and more grateful for it.

Caylin and I had a conversation once that began when I asked her, “If we ever got famous, do you think we’ll miss times like this? Just being able to go out and get Chikfila without anyone ever bothering us?” And she immediately said yes. Because in that moment, we realized we had some things well-known people don’t have – freedom and privacy. So, even though we wished we were a little more known in our craft, it was interesting to realize that we’d miss where we currently are.

So, why not embrace it now? Why not embrace what you have and where you are right now?

Enjoy the little things – enjoy your food, enjoy your sleep, enjoy the life God has blessed you with.

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋

Remembering the Roots (write on, pt. 3)

Recently, someone I follow on Instagram posted on their story that they were getting back to blogging, and I asked them what their blog link was. After telling me, they expressed how healing blogging could be, and that statement made me pause and think about whether blogging was actually healing for me, or whether I saw it more as a duty I had to accomplish.

Honestly, I can tell you I’ve felt both. But the healing aspects of blogging have totally outweighed the “have-to” feelings.

I tweeted / Snapchatted / InstaStoried this last night, but I’ve been missing daily blogging. So much so that I’m trying to get back to blogging every day – to get back to the roots of how this whole process began. To those who don’t know how the whole #JustStartWriting and daily blogging began, I won’t go into full detail about it until everything is updated on June 21st.

But just know that this has been a cornerstone, a foundation of this whole process. And even though I’ve been busy with other creative endeavors and have felt the need to leave this behind, I know in my heart I just can’t. It doesn’t feel right to me to not write on here every day (except for Sundays, that is).

And even though I’ve gone weeks and sometimes almost months without typing a word here, know that each time I was absent on the blog, there was a little bit of guilt that settled within my soul. I always felt like a piece of me was missing. And even though I may have stopped blogging in obedience to where God was leading me, it didn’t make the absence of daily blogging hurt any less. Even though I knew what I was doing was right, I longed to have my fingers back on my laptop keyboard. I ached to pour my thoughts out to you all here in this little space of mine.

All this to say – it’s important to not forget where you came from, where you started.

When I was in college, sure, I was changing into someone new, becoming more of who I am today, changing some habits I had had in high school. But a major part of me was still the same; I didn’t forget what my parents taught me, what they instilled within me for the first seventeen years of my life. And those same things are still with me as I’ve completed a full year of adulthood, and am entering year number two.

The roots of your journey – be it the journey of a project, your talent, a career, or your life – are vital to the current work you’re doing now. Don’t forget them. Hold them close.

I thank God for providing this platform for me, for giving me the wisdom and patience to be able to write to you all on here every day. Without Him it would be impossible, and I am reminded of how dependent I am upon Him, and how much He has inspired this process every day.

And until the Lord has told me otherwise, I will continue to be here. I will continue to write on.

#MishyWrites #JustStartWriting

💙 Mishy 🦋