writer’s thoughts – ad lib

Guyssss, it’s SO HARD to figure out what to write about / it’s hard because I’ll write poems, but I never know if I want to share them with you NOW, or wait until I put them in a book before I share them.

But sometimes the things I write just reflect a feeling I’m currently having, and it just…feels right, you know? It expresses exactly what I’m trying to communicate, and I hope and pray that it can resonate with someone else.

Yet (and I’ve written about this before) it’s hard because I definitely do want to be vulnerable, but how vulnerable is too vulnerable? All of these thoughts are running through my head tonight as I figure out exactly what to blog about.

Because it’s been a minute since I’ve tried to blog every day, and I miss it. I say that every time, and then fail to actually write every day, but I sincerely do miss blogging every day. Maybe it’s because I’m having a harder time figuring out what to write about; maybe I’ve lost the ability to observe, and really be present in my day-to-day so I can actually write about something that I truly have noticed in my life.

Things are a whirlwind, honestly. I lie in my bed at night after every day that goes by, and I think, “Has today already gone by? Am I already in bed again, ready to sleep, praying to be blessed with another day tomorrow?” And I hate wishing away days; too many times I’ll be at work, and think, “I can’t wait until this week is over,” yet someone in the world wasn’t blessed to see the end of the week, or even the end of the day, for that matter.

I don’t know…just a lot going on in my head, and still, I’m unsure of exactly where this blog post is going.

I sometimes feel like an inadequate writer / blogger because my posts are so random sometimes, and nonconsecutive. I stick to the saying that in order for a writer to get better, you have to write every day, and I feel that about any gift or talent – take a step every day towards something you want to accomplish, succeed in, keep alive. Yet, do I write every day? Honestly, no. And it pains me so much. How can I say I’m a writer, yet not do what I hold so strongly to? Yes, life happens, but isn’t there a way I can fit in what truly matters into my daily life?

And then I think…some of the greatest writers/bloggers I know don’t blog every day. They only hit the highlights, and they’re posts are truly meaningful, while I’m stuck here at my laptop, trying to concoct something, pulling poems from old journals so I can say that, yes, I in fact did have something to post onto the blog today. But what if I should just drop the whole “blog every day” thing, and just blog when there have been some major, significant thoughts instead of the modern-day ramblings of a writer? I’m pretty sure I’ve also posted something about this thought process as well. I reach this point, and tell myself that I don’t have to be like other writers – I don’t have to emulate everything other writers do in order for me to be a good, respected writer. I can take my time and craft out my thoughts, or I can sit down and write a real, messy bunch of words to post onto my blog.

There’s freedom in doing what I love; there is no formula. I just want to continue creating, writing, doing, moving forward in this.

And that’s a major fear I have about all of this writing – what if I put in the work, and nothing good comes from it? I honestly can’t really say / think that as someone who’s blog has truly grown in the past year since I’ve revamped it, worked on it, written so many thoughts, stories, posts, poems…There truly is growth in the work I’ve put in. So there should be no worries about not moving forward.

And even if there hasn’t been any growth, there shouldn’t be worries because God knows what He’s doing, even if I don’t know. There have been so many times I’ve written something, kind of just tossing it onto the page to post it, and someone was blessed by what I had to say, and I didn’t even think what I wrote was “important,” or “worthy enough” for someone to be touched by it. I’m blessed that God has been using me to speak, even when I didn’t think I was being used.

Don’t know where I was going with this post…I honestly think that there is a time every once in a while where I’ll just ramble on a page, hoping what I say makes sense, so I plaster the title “writer’s thoughts” onto it, and hope for the best!

These are things I’ve just been thinking. If you resonated with any of these thoughts, I’d love to hear which one(s), and how it resonated with you so please comment below, or email me, get in contact with me somehow, and we can chat it up!

Halfway through the week, yay! Ready to see what the rest of the week holds.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

Two Years Ago…

This morning, my newly downloaded Google photos app notified me that I should look back on this day, two years ago. Curious, I opened the notification to pictures of me, my sister, and my best friend Bria at Mojo Burrito and then at an Issues concert.

I remember the day like it was yesterday.

Two years ago today, it was a school night; a Thursday. I probably got someone to cover my library work shift so I could go to this concert. Before leaving town, the three of us got dinner at Mojo Burrito, then  made our way to Atlanta. I remember realizing we were going to be late to the concert, which meant it would probably be harder to try to find parking for the venue, and we might miss some good opening acts.

My usual self would be visibly frustrated, to the point in which my sister would attempt to calm me down, but only irritate me more, which would then cause Bria to truly calm me down. But I clearly remember making the conscious decision to just let everything play out instead of worrying and freaking out, which made the car ride down more enjoyable.

And when we got to the venue after sitting through some typical Atlanta traffic? A couple left their parking spot that was right across the street from the venue, and I was able to perfectly parallel park into it. When we got into the venue, we’d missed one or two opening acts, but we were still able to catch the main two bands we wanted to see (PVRIS and Issues), plus we got to meet Bad Seed Rising after the show too.

The night ended with a trip to McDonald’s for fries and a large sweet tea, what would become a regular post-concert snack for me. And once we got back to campus at like 2:30am, Bria and I were still awake enough to take a picture of us wearing our Issues shirts.

And I remember at the end of the night thinking and expressing to Bria how I’d just let go of the frustrations I was wanting to hold onto, and allowed God to move throughout the night, and He’d provided in so many awesome ways. He didn’t have to, but he did, and it was awesome to be a part of that amazing night.

Crazy how that was all two years ago; how I could remember all those details, and remember that that was probably one of the first nights I actively trusted God with a situation, and I watched Him provide. Two years later, and I would see so many more of these kinds of situations in my life, and I’m grateful for every single one of them, and how they’ve all shaped me, my faith, my perspective.

With me actively getting back to work with writing and whatnot, this was the type of reminder I needed: that I could let go of the fear, the worry, the frustration that this process has the potential to cause, and just have faith that God will work His way through every single detail.

Happy Saturday, luvvies, aka my favorite day of the week! Whatever you’ve got going on today, I pray that you’ll release any fears, worries, and frustrations; call on God; and watch Him work through your circumstances. He hears you. He knows your heart and your desires. Trust in Him.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

I’m Alive…

Wow. It’s definitely been a minute since I put my fingers to the keys, and blogged. I’ve done some writing outside of blogging, but geez, I have definitely missed this outlet.

A lot has been going on in my life recently. My best friend Bria came into town for several days, so that was a major adventure. Then right after that, I began my move to a new living situation with another one of my best friends Caylin into a house, not an apartment. The transition hasn’t been rough, although if I’m honest, it’s really shaken up some things for me physically, financially, mentally, and spiritually. Surprisingly, not so much emotionally – I think in that aspect, I was ready for the change. A new season brings new challenges, yes, but it also brings new adventures and possibilities.

Well, as the move was happening, I got a head cold, which made me really slow down this past weekend, and think about my current situation. In some ways, I didn’t think I’d ever see myself here – you can read that in either a positive or negative way, because I was feeling both. And I wasn’t sure how to handle it.

But after refocusing spiritually – pushing myself to go to church on Sunday, even in sickness – I was reminded of the hope I have in Christ, not the hope I have in my circumstances or situations. So…

Even though I hadn’t moved in all my stuff in the timeline I thought I would move in…
Even though I unexpectedly got sick, and had to take some time to recover…
Even though I didn’t have much money to do / get all the things I wanted in regards to the house, or even socially…

I am alive. And I’m very well.

I took some time to game-plan for my writing. Not so much blog…I’m talking bigger projects, hopefully things that will be released within this year and into the next. I’m so excited.

Honestly, I’ve been extremely distracted, and unmotivated – despite encouraging and motivating others, I found myself in sort of a rut, unable to really push forward into some of the things I wanted to do. But I think the Lord has used everything that’s happened recently – from my best friend being into town, to the move into my new house, to even being sick – to steer me into the direction I need to go.

So, here we go.

I’m alive. Very well. And ready to work.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

Changes…in Thought

Last week, I started talking to myself in the car again.

Well, it was mostly praying. I was praying out loud in the car on the way to work, and as I prayed, I noticed the flow of my speech, and honestly, I scared myself in a good way. So much so that I stopped the music on my phone, and turned on my voice recorder, and just started speaking. I spoke everything that was on my heart, and it was so freeing because it was just me in the car; I could say whatever I wanted to say, however I wanted to say it, and not be judged for it.

I wrote a short poem a while back about how I used to think that my thoughts weren’t valuable enough to be heard, read, or written. I used to think that the way I thought about the world was immature and naive, so I just stayed silent. Not that I think my thoughts are constantly flowing with wisdom now; I know that I still have a lot to learn about the world.

But hearing myself speak about what I was thinking and praying about that morning – it opened up a whole new avenue for me. Yes, writing will always be my main outlet, but speaking has really become a major part of who I am as well. And hearing me just speak thoughts that came to my mind – thoughts that the Lord allowed for me to have – it blew my mind. It rocked my world.

There have always been moments when I think a thought, and I tell myself, “Ahh, I cannot wait to write that down!” And once I get a free moment, or I’m home, the thought is forgotten.

So, I am changing the way I handle my thoughts. When I first began writing more, I did better at writing ideas and thoughts down so as not to forget them. Nowadays, it’s harder for me to remember mostly everything because my mind is going a mile a minute, and I feel like my skill of multitasking is fading.

But I hope that as I continue to find the quieter, slower moments in my day, I am able to slow down, and process the thoughts I have. And hopefully be able to write more thoroughly about them instead of waiting last minute to write about things!

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

Changes…in Speech

A couple of weeks ago, I was reading my Bible, and as I was reading through a few chapters of Proverbs, several verses focused on speech, language, the lips, the mouth, and the tongue…(all verses are taken from the English Standard Version)

From Proverbs 15…

“The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.” –  verse 2 

“A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” – verse 4

“The lips of the wise spread knowledge; not so the hearts of fools.” – verse 7

From Proverbs 16…

“Righteous lips are the delight of a king and he loves him who speaks what is right.” – verse 13

“The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips.” – verse 23

“Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.” – verse 24 

From Proverbs 17…

“Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.” – verse 27

From Proverbs 18…

“The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.” – verse 4

And honestly, these references got me thinking about convictions I’d been thinking about for a while about the way I speak – the words I use, why I use them, what exactly is considered “perverse speech,” what is acceptable/unacceptable to say, what is slander?

I feel like I’ve heard before that in the Bible when it talks about “perverse speech,” it means mostly saying the Lord’s name in vain. Don’t quote me on that though…I’m not exactly sure.

As for slander, well, that’s talking about other people – gossiping, bringing people down. I can’t say that I never do those things, because I’d be lying.

Another thing I will be honest about: as I’ve gotten older, I’ve been using more cuss words when I speak, mostly among my peers, and a lot more so when I’m alone muttering under my breath, or when I’m frustrated about something. Instead of skipping the cuss words in songs, I sing them out boldly. And this all began about a year ago after so many songs that described the way I was feeling were released, and they all had cuss words in them. I justified singing them because using the profanity just made it seem more powerful; it validated how passionate my emotions were.

It also doesn’t help that all my friends were / are using cuss words too. There was a point in which one of my friends and I decided to stop cussing, and I was happy I wasn’t the only one who wanted to strive to speak better. But lately, I’ve slipped back into it.

Some of you may be thinking…

Mishy…You’re An Adult…

Yeah, I know that, and society says that once you hit a certain age (which is even younger than twenty-one honestly…more like sixteen these days…maybe younger), using certain words is acceptable. At least in American culture. Many cuss words used in America are normal, every day words in other countries. Maybe even in different parts of America they’re used differently. Anyways we won’t get into that.

But cussing is just the way most young people talk; it’s the way this generation speaks to each other. Using those words just places emphasis on everything.

Something I’ve realized is that people from my generation and younger exaggerate a lot. We place emphasis on things that are truly so basic. We are all “hella extra” and proud (I admit, I am an extra person in some ways…). So we think it’s okay to use language that expresses all of these things.

But words like damnshit, the f-word that had such harsh meanings years before now basically mean nothing these days it seems. Or they’re words that replace verysooops, etc. We’ve neutralized them into just being filler words to add dramatic effect, sometimes to equally dramatic situations, but sometimes not so much.

Using words like this shouldn’t be a defining characteristic of what makes you an adult, or cool or whatever else people thinks it makes them. I’ve heard twelve-year-olds use these words, and have had to stop and wonder where in the world they heard that from. But truly, they are everywhere, being used by mostly everyone.

I know you’re probably thinking I’m dissecting this way too much; why do I care so much about the words I use? Why can’t I just stop cussing, move on, and not blog about it? Well, for one, it’s content soooo…

Another thing is that words are so powerful. So powerful. I mean, people get their feelings hurt every day, how? Words. Decisions are made using words. Words play a huge role in life. And as a now preschool teacher, I definitely need to watch what I say so as not to influence the little ones I teach in terrible speech (oo, you read that rhyme in there?).

But it’s not just because I teach two-year-olds. Words are such a big deal to me personally. They’re what I want my career to be based off of. They’re a part of my major dream as a writer and spoken word artist. I have a whole site based on a mantra that “Your words matter,” yet I’m slinging words around in my every day speech as if I truly don’t believe that. As if the words I use don’t have some affect or display of the knowledge and wisdom within my mind. As if they don’t have the power to heal, to influence, to give delight to someone because I am speaking what is right.

Never have I ever felt the need to use cuss words or anything like that in my writing, be it blogging or spoken word. I feel like as a writer and speaker, valuing the integrity of my words is a major part of who I am and what I do. Am I saying that other writers who choose to use words like the ones I’ve mentioned do not stand for the value of words? No, of course not. As writers themselves, they choose how and what words can be used to express their feelings and thoughts about their perspective of the world. I’m not here to judge other writers and the words they use, I’m here to evaluate myself, and how I feel about the words I am using.

And I strive to be a person that people look at, and don’t have to question whether or not it’s okay for their child or their loved one who is more sensitive to the use of words, to read or hear what I have to say. Again, I’m not saying everyone is wrong for using cuss words. However, I am saying that maybe it is wrong for me to use them.

So, I am now in the process of changing my speech; of being more aware of what I say, and how I say it. I want whatever I say and write to be pleasing to God, and I just feel like not using certain words is my personal way of doing that. That, plus also lessening the gossiping; I’ve written a blog post previously about not talking negatively about people. I have a specific event every Monday (#MotivationalMishyMondays) on Instagram live that aims to encourage and build people up. What would it be like if those same people who came to that live heard me talking smack about someone while I was at work, or out with a friend? It’s so difficult to not gossip because it’s so easy to do, and everyone does it. Everyone. It’s still a challenge for me to lessen it, and stop altogether, but I want to strive to do so.

I’m going to end with the main Bible verse I use when I think about my writing and my speaking…

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” – Psalm 19:14 (ESV)

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

Changes…in Blogging/Writing?

So, clearly it has been a minute since I’ve blogged. The past several days have been crazy, and last night it culminated into me being extremely tired and just needing sleep.

And during those past several days, I’ve been wondering if I should change the way I blog to you all. I’ve been seeing the way some of my favorite bloggers blog – writing a post or two here and there, maybe once or twice a week, and their content is so relevant and real and truthful, and I’m sitting here wondering if the way I’m blogging is just too much for me, and isn’t the best way to blog.

A little over a year ago, I challenged myself to blog every day, forcing myself to write every day so that I could get better at writing. And granted, I’ve missed a good amount of days throughout, but overall, I’ve blogged so much more overall in the past year than I have in the past maybe four or five years since I’ve started blogging.

But I’m wondering if me just trying to rush a post out to you every day is really doing anything. Is it really giving you the best of me as a writer? Am I just getting sloppy in the writing I’ve done / am doing? Am I only giving half of myself over to you as I try to work on other writing projects I have, and if so, is that fair to you? Is it fair to me?

I’ve been wrestling with these thoughts, and here are some conclusions I’ve come up with…

It’s My Fault

The way I feel about blogging every day right now – like it’s rushed, like the content I’m putting out isn’t enough, like I’m boring you guys with insignificant details in my life – it’s all my fault really. Truly, if I could just prioritize the things in my life correctly, maybe blogging things won’t be so hard or painful for me sometimes. Not that there won’t be days in which I sit at my computer and think, “Dude…I have nothing to write about, what am I going to write about??” But I feel like less of that would come with better planning on my part.

Yet what do I do? I don’t plan. I work and write I feel on a whim, and I sometimes feel like it’s all rushed. Maybe I work well under pressure. Who am I kidding, I say that, but while I’m working like that, I’m stressed as all get out!

So, as always, some priorities need to be shifted. I write this, yet will I actually shift anything? Hopefully. Someone keep me accountable, please, I beg.

A Break

Blogging to you guys only two or three times a week would be an amazing break for me, honestly. It would give me more time during the day to do other things I need to do. It would give you guys an expectation of when the blogs will be coming out and when they wouldn’t (because right now, y’all may be expecting a blog post every day, and clearly that isn’t happening).

Better Content

Only blogging a few times a week would give me the chance to write better content for you guys, I think. Especially when it comes to deeper subjects – I can’t even tell you how many things I want to write to you all about, yet I feel like I can’t just crank it out in an hour or however long I have in my day to blog. Maybe I just need to do it to challenge myself. I just feel like I want to make sure what I’m writing to you all is understandable, and reflects my thoughts and opinions as best as it can.

And when I’m trying to write a blog every day, I feel like it isn’t my best sometimes; I feel like I’m just throwing some words out there for you all so I can say, “Yes, I blogged today! Another day in a row that I’ve done this!” I don’t want this to become a checklist thing, or a thing that I dread doing; I want to do it so that my writing and communication is growing and being challenged.

#JustStartWriting

Truly, the whole blogging every day thing was based on #JustStartWriting, which is now it’s own thing – it has its own website, and still has the same meaning and motto, it’s just now out there for more writers to be a part of. It’s no longer a solo thing of mine that I do.

However, this is where my thoughts on actually just posting whenever I have “good content” stop. Because when I look back on the year I’ve had with my writing, #JustStartWriting really shaped my writing – it got me actually writing instead of just wishing I was writing. It challenged me to really think about my day, and pay attention to what was happening in my life so that later, I could write about it. Just because #JSW is now it’s own separate thing, it doesn’t give me permission to drop the way I personally write.

Why am I going to have a separate site based in just starting to write to get past the fear, the laziness, the whatever else to write if I’m not willing to do that myself? Granted, I could “just start write” in my journal, or you know, on this book I’ve been wanting to write.

But I think blogging is just in my blood; like I feel so weird skipping out on writing here (except Sundays, that’s a given). I honestly think it’s because of gotten busy and lazy. Busier with trying to keep up with the new sites I’ve got, and also trying to work on and release spoken word poems I’ve been writing. More lazy in the fact that there are times in which I could blog, and I just don’t feel the draw, or I don’t feel like I have something good enough to write about. Also lazy in the fact that I haven’t been paying that much attention to my surroundings as much as I used to. I feel like my days run like clockwork, and I don’t take the time to really take in what’s happening. Therefore, my writing is lacking.

 

All this to say – I’m still going to try my best to blog every day. I won’t succeed all the time, obviously, but I still want this to be a priority of mine. I want it to still be an important part of my writing journey. And if I’m encouraging other writers out there to just start writing – to not let the fear of their writing not being good enough, the laziness of only dreaming of writing and being great at it, or the other worries or excuses that conjure up in their mind keep them from writing – then I need to keep on writing as best as I can.

So, no changes in the vision. Changes in the execution of the vision, however, are in the process of being made. Stay tuned – I’m going to try to do this better than I have been.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

Changes : the introduction

I prompt this blog post by a tweet from Hannah Brencher:

"Write about the things that change you."

And man, when I think about the things that have changed me…well, I feel like I could write an entire book. Like there aren't just things that have changed me…there are people, places, events, days, that have changed me, and made me the person I am right now. Change is constantly happening, and I don't think I'm as aware of it as I should be. Or maybe I'm not aware of where I am in the moment until a change happens, and I notice where I am, and where I'm headed. Wow, change is a crazy topic.

Hmm…should this be a new blog series? I just thought about this as I was typing. Recently, blog series have been difficult for me to accomplish because I'll be in the middle of a series, and then I'll want to write about something else, but I feel the need to continue the series instead of writing what I felt I should write. Does that make sense? I don't know how I was able to write series' so easily last year. Maybe it shows a change or growth in my writing? If so, that would be dope!

Maybe I'll just take it and run with it for a while until I get sick of it. Seriously, the mind of a writer, guys…it's not as organized as I thought it would be!

But, hey, I guess since sticking with a series has deemed itself a challenge, why not?

So, with that being said…welcome to this new series: Changes

Tomorrow, let's talk about the people who've changed me. I mean, there are so many, but maybe I'll just hit the highlights for y'all haha!

I personally thought it was kind of cool how I wrote out my thought process about my writing for the next few days to all of you? Anyone else think it was kinda cool? Just me? Awesome. I don't think this was the first time I've done that. But hey, content, right?

Can't wait to write to you all tomorrow. Thanks for riding along with me!

#MishyWrites 🦋✨