A Soft Type of 2018 (Part 2)

“That’s the thing about people who are soft. Everyone else thinks they can walk all over them as though they won’t notice. But we do; we notice everything.” – page 202, Pillow Thoughts, Courtney Peppernell

So, onto part two of being a softie.

Like I said yesterday, I’m not naive; I may want to continue to be soft, but that definitely doesn’t mean that I’ll completely turn a blind eye, and pretend like I don’t notice when someone is walking all over me, or trying to take advantage of me in some way. I will not continue to be walked all over by the same person, or suffer through the same scenario.

Yes, there can still be forgiveness because forgiving someone is a huge step in allowing yourself to heal, and move forward. But being soft in that way doesn’t mean I should run back to the same person or situation that hurt me, and expect for things to turn around just because I have given them a second chance. Unfortunately, people are given numerous chances, but never change, and that is when you and I have to be soft towards ourselves, and let go. That doesn’t mean that we have to hate the person, but it doesn’t mean that we have to be that person’s friend, or constantly try to be in their presence either.

Forgiveness is good. Second chances can definitely be good; I mean, think about all the times you’ve been given a second chance. But if you have been walked all over several times by the same person or situation, take notice. Learn so that you won’t have to endure that same situation again.

And in 2018, along with embracing and growing into my softness, I also am going to be more aware and notice the moments of being walked all over. Know when to be soft to others, and give second chances, and when to be soft to myself, and let go.

#MishyWrites #Typeof2018

A Soft Type of 2018 (Part 1)

“We all are born with a softness, and it’s important to grow into it. Do not let the world turn your heart cold.” – page. 200, Pillow Talk, Courtney Peppernell

There were several times in 2017 during my self-reflection that I would think, I’m way too soft.

I always wished I could be strong enough to block people’s phone numbers or on social media when they weren’t a part of my life anymore, or actually stand up to people and let them have it when they wronged me. Yet, what do I do? I keep those numbers just in case. And I take the wrongs that have been done to me, and chalk it up as a lesson learned, and humans can mess up sometimes. I forgive, but forget only enough for me to not be extremely bitter and angry at the person / situation; I remember only for the lessons of it.

But there are times I wish that I could be seen as, well, sort of savage. So many of my friends talk about how I’m “too nice” to do or say certain things to people, and I cringe sometimes, knowing that they’re right about me.

I am a softie, and I always have been. I always look at situations, and try to pull the positive out of them. Most times I want to bring out the best in people, and not think of them as cruel individuals who are just out to get others, and there for themselves. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not naive (I’ll talk more about this in my part 2 post tomorrow); I would just prefer to think that not all people are inconsiderate or rude.

And as my birthday was approaching, and now as the end of the year is approaching, I wondered if I should try to become a little more firm – more biting. I feel like there are times people walk all over me, and I just take it, and I get so tired of it.

But there have been several times I’ve expressed this to friends or family members, and they give me the same response Courtney Peppernell writes in the poem above: “Stay soft. Keep your sympathy and empathy. The world needs more of that.”

And even though my initial reaction was more like, “Yeah, but do we need more of that? Is it good for my well-being to be this soft?” the continuous confirmations of “growing into my softness” have made me realize how important it is to be soft. To have sympathy and empathy for other people because you never really know what other people are going through, and they could be acting / reacting the way they do for a specific reason that you don’t know about.

So, in 2018, I have decided to not get rid of my softness, but to embrace it, and grow into it more so. To be more aware of it, and grateful that I am a soft person, and there are other soft people out there. Because there have probably been plenty of times I’ve done something to someone, and their kindness, their softness handed me mercy instead of the judgment mallet.

And so I ask you: Do you think you’re too soft or too harsh? Do you need to embrace your softness, or become softer? What are some ways in which you can balance yourself in this area?

I’m excited about part two tomorrow, but I’ll end with this quote from an Instagram story from Claire Marshall that my dear friend and fellow queen Cydney Irby sent me:

“I used to dislike being sensitive. I thought it made me weak. But take away that single trait, and you take away the very essence of who I am. You take away my conscience, my ability to empathize, my intuition, my creativity, my deep appreciation of the little things, my vivid inner life, my keen awareness to others pain and my passion for it all.” – Claire Marshall

#MishyWrites #Typeof2018

“the frustration of a fan.” – Day 11 of #12DaysofChristmas

On the 11th day of Christmas, Mishy gave to us…

“the frustration of a fan.”

*DISCLAIMER / EXPLANATION: I understand that there’s a difference between a fan being appreciative, and a fan who’s a legit fanatic – who turns appreciation into obsession to the point of stalking, or any other invasion of a celebrity’s privacy. I do not condone the latter; every person, whether well-known or not, deserves respect and privacy. This poem is about being a respectful fan who doesn’t feel appreciated by the person they admire, despite their respectful love. I also understand that celebrities have duties, and are short on time, so they can’t thank EVERY SINGLE FAN of theirs. This poem is based off of a specific instance I experienced with ONE particular person I admired. Okay. Continue LOL.

I gave you my love and you took it for granted.

It may be odd to many of you that I feel so strongly about this but honestly, I’m hurt, and
I can’t stand it.
It hurt to see that I’d been accepted into what seemed to be an inner circle, but then removed when my love wasn’t “good” enough.
I’m sorry if you wanted more, but out of my own circumstances, that was all I had,
And tough luck getting anything “good” from me because I know I’m worth more than that.
I think it’s unfair how you pick favorites;
How you’re not even that famous yet, but choose only those who are the stereotypical
Pretty and gorgeous, no,
You should be thankful for every fan you have.
Every “I love you” said or emoji that’s read in your Instagram comments.
Because you touched a soul, you influenced someone’s mind,
And they’re willing to go above and beyond to say how much they appreciate you,
How much you mean to them,
And, if they can, spend a little time with you because
They know you’re special; they can feel it in their heart.
But all of that means nothing if you take their love for you and laugh
And pick apart how they showed it to you…

“That was it? Removed.”
“She keeps tweeting me, ugh. Blocked.”
“He keeps commenting heart-eyes on every pic, and bruh, I just wish that he would stop.”

So you, as the fan, as the admirer,
Are left in silence while everyone else who is
Pretty enough,
Forward enough,
Flirty enough,
Good enough
Gets noticed.

I don’t wanna ever be like that.
I don’t wanna roll my eyes at someone who can’t help but express how much they love who I am and what I do.
It’s people like that who are the reason I say this often, “I can’t do this without you.”
Without the love and support, where would I be?
Definitely not putting out my words for you to hear,
Or watching you watch me when I make it to the stage.

I learned something from this – you can’t be too greedy when it comes to appreciation.
As someone who’s looked up to, you can never know the frustration of a fan
Who doesn’t feel loved or appreciated back.

Be kind. Stay humble.

~ written on June 22, 2017 at 11:32pm

#MishyWrites #12DaysofPoetry

“When you miss your flight…” – Day 10 of #12DaysofPoetry

On the 10th day of poetry, Mishy gave to us…

“When you miss your flight…”

And in that moment, You stopped me.
Stopped my heart and mind from the worries and stresses that this world so often hands me,
And I felt Your gentle Voice whisper,
“You’re okay.”

I also felt the guilt. I replayed the events of only minutes before, and saw the ugliness that my flesh so easily dealt out without stopping to think twice how my actions could hurt me and my friend more.

We apologized; we’re all good. But as I sit in this little seat, and think upon my words and thoughts, I can’t help but be a little grateful despite the frustration.

You’re still teaching me things. Still revealing to me the dark depths of my soul that I so often overlook to declare that I’m a good person as a whole.

We all like to believe that we’re good people, in general.

But to show me that I still have things to improve on, that I still need Your grace and mercy to make the right moves, and to remain insightful and humble because I’m such a handful?

Man. It’s only proof that You hear my prayers to mold me into someone more like You, someone better.

And for that, I thank You. I may be fumbling through this, but I know You steady me anyway. If this is what it takes to grow, Lord, test me any day.

Just by simply sitting in this chair, and thinking about the things I’ve lost, the things that went wrong, You slowly showed me that You’re still in control, that this was Your plan all along.

~ written on the flight to Denver to get to Cabo, after missing our original flight. 7:29am

#MishyWrites #12DaysofPoetry

“no. 07082017- Day 9 of #12DaysofPoetry

On the 9th day of poetry, Mishy gave to us…

“no. 07082017”

Is it bad that I feel unsympathetic to your plight?
That I dream of nights when you like awake in bed, unable to get thoughts of me out of your head?
What I look like, sound like, smell like, laugh like…
What is it like to live without me?
Is it bad that i hope you’re drowning in regret?
That I hope you see me as the girl that got away? That even though you may go about your business with other girls in your midst, that in the back of your mind I sit there and wait
Patiently. Ever so, patiently.
Is it sad that I even think such vengeful thoughts towards you? Is forgiveness even a word in my vocabulary if all I want is for you to admit that without me,
You’re unsteady?

Forgive me.

I feel like the part of me that wants to say these thoughts are okay,
Is just the part of me that wants to protect myself; the part of me that doesn’t want to let anymore demons in because there have been one too many who’ve gotten under my skin to ravage the hope and purity that’s within, I
Wish that those from my past could see the mess they’ve caused.
I wish they could see how lost I had been for days, weeks, months, thank God not years.
He thankfully took a hold of me before my fears could get ahead of me.
I wish that those from my past could see the beauty they’ve planted.
The person I am today couldn’t exist without the many lessons I’ve learned throughout my life but sometimes still take for granted.

Man.

I’m sorry I feel unsympathetic to your plight.
I’m sorry I hope nightmares upon you as you live your life.
My heart and mind just wanna fight off anything that’s gonna keep me down.
But it shouldn’t be like this; self care shouldn’t be like this…
Or should it?

~ written on May 8, 2017 at 3:15pm

#MishyWrites #12DaysofPoetry

“Who am I?”

Who am I to say, “They won’t come to You”?

I sit here as if I am wise enough,

Thirsty enough,

Good enough to know that

I need saving.

Yet I have rebelled time and time again

Against You, as if I wasn’t saved at all.

How can I harden my heart towards them,

And claim that I am trying to speak Your Name?

I am no different than them; we are the same – all sinners in need of a grace

So vast and triumphant that it takes everything within our beings

To praise something so sacrificial,

Something so beautiful.

I am not the judge of your salvation or mine,

Or his or hers or theirs,

I am simply a broken vessel whom the Lord has graciously allowed to be used.

And being used isn’t easy; it isn’t popular, it isn’t fun all the time.

It’s a huge privilege, and a heavy task.

It’s a great commission, and an intimidating call.

It’s a wonderful thing to realize you’ve been asked to speak the Truth into the hearts of those who know the Lord, and those who have no clue at all.

~ written sometime in July 2017

#MishyWrites #12DaysofPoetry

“no. 111517”

My feet shift under the quicksands of those too quick to commit,
And those too hesitant to even try.
I’ve fallen on my face one too many times and
I’m over it.
Yes, lessons were learned –
People came and went, some came back unexpectedly,
And yes,
I’m thankful for that.
How many times though do I need to find myself on my knees,
Asking God to please just have His way,
Knowing good and well that He’s going to, whether I like it or not?

The last time I adamantly prayed that prayer, you left.

And even though I convinced myself that I’d be okay,
That I’d be strong through it, and accept it for what it was,
I was weaker than I realized.

I crumbled.

And it took so long to rebuild myself again.
To allow the Lord to break me down just to show me what He could create in me,
Using me to mold something new.

Revealing someone I didn’t know lived inside of me.

And now that I it in this new skin,
This new form,
I can’t help but wonder sometimes who in the world could look at a creature like me and
Not be intimidated.
Who would dare take the risk of coming close to someone like me: someone so
Bold and beautiful,
Shining bright, laughing loud, speaking so much truth,
Who in their right minds would stand by my side,
Take my hand and
Love me?

Admittedly, there are days that the thought seems completely impossible.
But I know I have the comfort of my God,
Who knows my heart –
What it yearns for, what it needs –
He hears my questions,
My fears, my wonders,
He sees my fears,
And even though no one’s decided to
Step up and
Stand by me,
My God has always stood by me to gently tell me that
It is well. All is well with Him.
That He is capable of touching me deeper than anyone in this world ever could.
And even though my soul my waver between
It is well and
It is hard,
It is hurtful,
It is lonely…

I will wait.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨