I thought this thought in church a week ago…
It’s crazy how in the most transitional moments of my life, I tend to step away from God more.
You would think that when life was the most unstable, I’d lean on God more, but the past couple of weeks with me moving into a new house, trying to get into a good routine, and then getting sick a couple of times have proved to me that I don’t spend as much time in the Word as I normally would, especially when my routine is out of whack. I think a part of me wants to get the rest of myself together before I can insert my quiet time or devotional time in, and that just seems backwards.
Admittedly, I’m getting uncomfortable just typing this out; seriously, I’m squirming in my chair right now. Rarely do I get physically uncomfortable from typing something like this out, but I guess my spirit is just cringing at the thought of how messed up this is. When things go awry is when most people turn to God, yet I choose to take a step back. Why is that?
I think there are several different reasons why I do this. These reasons may seem weird, but after thinking about this for a week, I truly believe that these are the thoughts I go through, which lead me to not turn to God as much.
“I Got This…”
Even though I’m under the weather, I feel like I’ve been sick enough times in my life to know how to take care of myself. And while I may know things like what to drink that’ll relieve my symptoms, that doesn’t mean I should stop praying to God and asking to heal me.
“God’s Not a Genie”
I want to avoid going to God simply to ask for things, such as healing or motivation to get things done. So, instead of speaking to Him, I avoid Him, or I just don’t talk to Him as much as I did when I was feeling 100%. And I know that’s silly…we’re called to speak to God, for our needs, our heart’s desires…He knows them all anyway. So, why don’t I want to come before Him in prayer, and ask to be healed?
“I Don’t Have it All Together”
One major thought that I don’t really think about when I make the conscious decision to not spend time in the Word or pray during times in which I really need God is this: “I don’t have everything together, God. I’m not healthy enough. I’m not settled enough. My room isn’t clean enough for me to be in Your Presence.”
That last thought seems silly, but if I’m honest, I think there is a part of me that feels like I am not worthy enough to go before my Lord and Savior unless I am 100% healthy. Unless I’m way more organized in my agenda. Now, I am only worthy to go before God because of Jesus’ death on the Cross. But that does mean that I can come as I am – God doesn’t need me to be perfect for me to come to Him. He will take me and all my mess; He isn’t afraid of my germs when I’m sick, or my messy room and lifestyle. He isn’t worried that He can’t move amidst my laziness or unmotivated moments. He is able to work through it all. And so often, I forget that.
As I sit in my dining room, still recovering from a cold, and trying to organize myself for the work week ahead, my goal is to start reminding myself every day that God is able; He hasn’t failed me yet. And that I can go to Him with all of my mess because it doesn’t scare Him, even though it may scare me.
There’s no need for me to run away when the safest place I can be is with Him.