Spillin’

I started last week talking about positive talk – how the way you talk to yourself affects your attitude, your actions. And quite honestly, by the end of the week, all of that had gone out the window for me.

All of my energy had been drained. I sought solitude despite the fact that exposing myself brought me joy and new opportunities and friends. Yet, a couple of weeks of this kind of lifestyle brought me to a place where I couldn’t really depend on anything to make me feel good.

I understood that “The joy of the Lord is my strength,” but believing it became harder as each hour passed. Everything began to shut down – physically, my body was exhausted. Mentally, my mind warred with thoughts of compromise and surrender to things I never thought I’d consider. Spiritually, I felt distant from where I’d been in January, but I knew that God was still with me. That His plan for me was just beginning that 2018 was still going to be my year. Emotionally – I’d taken a toll. Unexpected circumstances that ended as quickly as they began left me questioning my worth, wondering if all this hurt I was feeling was worth the things and people I was pursuing. Was it worth it for me to do all I had begun to do in order to make a process a reality; a dream come true?

People have always told me it wouldn’t be easy, and they were right. The warfare is real, and if I’m not focused on what I need to be focused on, I will suffer under the Enemy’s bark and bite.

“Realign my heart and help me keep the first things first.” — “Born Again,” Cory Asbury

#MishyWrites 🦋

“no. 07082017- Day 9 of #12DaysofPoetry

On the 9th day of poetry, Mishy gave to us…

“no. 07082017”

Is it bad that I feel unsympathetic to your plight?
That I dream of nights when you like awake in bed, unable to get thoughts of me out of your head?
What I look like, sound like, smell like, laugh like…
What is it like to live without me?
Is it bad that i hope you’re drowning in regret?
That I hope you see me as the girl that got away? That even though you may go about your business with other girls in your midst, that in the back of your mind I sit there and wait
Patiently. Ever so, patiently.
Is it sad that I even think such vengeful thoughts towards you? Is forgiveness even a word in my vocabulary if all I want is for you to admit that without me,
You’re unsteady?

Forgive me.

I feel like the part of me that wants to say these thoughts are okay,
Is just the part of me that wants to protect myself; the part of me that doesn’t want to let anymore demons in because there have been one too many who’ve gotten under my skin to ravage the hope and purity that’s within, I
Wish that those from my past could see the mess they’ve caused.
I wish they could see how lost I had been for days, weeks, months, thank God not years.
He thankfully took a hold of me before my fears could get ahead of me.
I wish that those from my past could see the beauty they’ve planted.
The person I am today couldn’t exist without the many lessons I’ve learned throughout my life but sometimes still take for granted.

Man.

I’m sorry I feel unsympathetic to your plight.
I’m sorry I hope nightmares upon you as you live your life.
My heart and mind just wanna fight off anything that’s gonna keep me down.
But it shouldn’t be like this; self care shouldn’t be like this…
Or should it?

~ written on May 8, 2017 at 3:15pm

#MishyWrites #12DaysofPoetry

“feelings I wish I could express, but may never say in our lifetimes” – Day 2 of #12DaysofPoetry

On the 2nd day of poetry, Mishy gave to us…

“feelings I wish I could express, but may never say in our lifetimes”

I love you.

I know it’s probably too early for me to call that, but man,
When all I have are thoughts of admiration about you…
How you live your life for the Lord, and are always seeking to be in tune with Him…
How you’re always wanting to make sure everyone is comfortable and secure in any situation…
How you’re adventurous – you always wanna be somewhere new, go somewhere you’ve never been so you can do something you’ve never done,
Yet still pray and wait for the answer of such a desire…
How we never miss a beat; how I catch those little compliments you mutter under your breath,
And even though they’re fairly simple,
And have been said to me more than once,
Oh, boy, they’re still so sweet and
They just sweep me off my feet and
Leave me a little sort of bashful that I
Don’t know how to say a meaningful,
“thank you,”
Or even speak at all.

I never feel like I have to impress you, yet
I am more aware of what I look like,
How I’m acting,
When I’m around you.
Because I care about what you think of me, yes,
I want to be favorable in your eyes.
I know that’s not the meaning of life or love,
But I guess…I just want to know,
If you look at me sometimes the way I look at you with
Oh-so-much favor and
Respect and
Love.

Because, I mean, I know it’s kinda early to say it,
We’ve never even dated.
But I love you.
From the bottom of my heart,
I do.

~ written on May 27, 2017 at 12:28am

#MishyWrites #12DaysofPoetry

Changes…in Thought

Last week, I started talking to myself in the car again.

Well, it was mostly praying. I was praying out loud in the car on the way to work, and as I prayed, I noticed the flow of my speech, and honestly, I scared myself in a good way. So much so that I stopped the music on my phone, and turned on my voice recorder, and just started speaking. I spoke everything that was on my heart, and it was so freeing because it was just me in the car; I could say whatever I wanted to say, however I wanted to say it, and not be judged for it.

I wrote a short poem a while back about how I used to think that my thoughts weren’t valuable enough to be heard, read, or written. I used to think that the way I thought about the world was immature and naive, so I just stayed silent. Not that I think my thoughts are constantly flowing with wisdom now; I know that I still have a lot to learn about the world.

But hearing myself speak about what I was thinking and praying about that morning – it opened up a whole new avenue for me. Yes, writing will always be my main outlet, but speaking has really become a major part of who I am as well. And hearing me just speak thoughts that came to my mind – thoughts that the Lord allowed for me to have – it blew my mind. It rocked my world.

There have always been moments when I think a thought, and I tell myself, “Ahh, I cannot wait to write that down!” And once I get a free moment, or I’m home, the thought is forgotten.

So, I am changing the way I handle my thoughts. When I first began writing more, I did better at writing ideas and thoughts down so as not to forget them. Nowadays, it’s harder for me to remember mostly everything because my mind is going a mile a minute, and I feel like my skill of multitasking is fading.

But I hope that as I continue to find the quieter, slower moments in my day, I am able to slow down, and process the thoughts I have. And hopefully be able to write more thoroughly about them instead of waiting last minute to write about things!

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

Changes…in Circumstances

Today on Alex Elle’s Instagram story, her journal question was:

“How can YOU change your circumstances?”

And I think that I have more power over my circumstances than I realize sometimes. I’m not saying that I have total control over what happens in my life…I’m saying I have control over how I react to what happens in my life.

For instance, on Monday, I was determined to make it a good day even though I knew there was a long week ahead of me. I arrived at work, and could feel the tension and burn-out of some of the people around me. I had two choices – to join the feelings of burn-out, or to move past those feelings, and try to make the day something worthwhile.

I didn’t succeed as much as I wanted to, honestly; Monday was still a hard day. But then I had another choice – to allow my bad first day of the week to dictate how the rest of my week would go.

So, in this way, I can see how I can change my circumstances in my life. My attitude about what is going on in my life can truly determine how I go about working through it, and whether the next things that occur will build or break me.

There are definitely other ways to do this – instead of waiting last minute to put up a blog post, I could write some drafts, or write earlier in the day before doing other important things I need to do (I’m sort of feeling this right now, if i’m honest haha). But I guess I just want to be more mindful of how I’m viewing the circumstances in my life, and change the way I react to things because I tend to react sort of…well…dramatically to the things that happen in my life sometimes. And I need to remind myself that it’s not the end of the world.

How do you normally react to the circumstances in your life? Do you think you need to make any changes in your reactions? If so, are you willing to do so?

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

this season

Tonight, I was encouraged during a dinner I had with some friends. Each friend possesses a different creative spirit – one is a musician, the other an artist/businesses owner – and they both inspire me to continue in my own creative field of writing/spoken word.

We talked about each of our own creative endeavors and experiences, our goals. We also touched on where we currently are in life – one of those friends and I are in the midst of a living transition as we try to find a place to live together. The other friend has this grand idea, and is wanting to execute it within a certain time, and involve as many creative/artistic people she knows. We briefly spoke of our college days, which now seem like a distant memory or even a dream compared to the lives we're living right now.

And as I sit here in my bedroom, thinking about the season I'm currently in and seasons that I've passed through, I am trying to think of the goals I have in mind for the future, and how I can make a plan, and start executing that plan. Honestly, I've been in the planning season for a while, and I've also been trying to prioritize other things, like my health.

But I don't want my goals and dreams to sit on the bench; yes, what I've been trying to prioritize is important, but I also need to make sure that I'm doing something every day to obtain my dreams. I think for the remainder of my night, I'm going to sit here and really ask myself what I want to accomplish / where I want to be this time next week, next month, next year.

It's scary to come up with a plan, sometimes. One of my friends pointed out tonight that there's just something about making an actual plan to reach a goal that seems intimidating, and it sometimes stops us from really thinking through the process and achieving our goals. Maybe it's seeing how many steps we have to take. Maybe there's one particular step that requires us to really get out of our comfort zone.

But if there's one thing I've learned, planning and process is so important. And tonight, I realized that in a way, I've kind of been avoiding the planning process probably because I'm a little fearful of it. I've been focusing on other things I need to focus on, but at the same time, I knew I should be working on my craft.

No fear, though. Time to take advantage of this season.

What kind of season are you in? Are you doing things that are actually productive to you and where you want to eventually be? Ask yourself where you want to be next week, next month, next year; sit down and write those things down. Now write out how you're going to get there, no matter how crazy or scary it seems. Get together with a close friend and share these things with them, and come up with ways to stay proactive within your plans. 

We got this, luvvies!

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

Enough is Enough.

*Disclaimer: I’m not bashing anyone who has said that they are “ugly,” “worthless,” “stupid,” and any other derogatory terms on social media. There is freedom of speech; you can say what you want on your account. I’m only saying that I wish better for those who do say these things (myself included). We are so much more than we think we are.

So…I’m done.

I’m tired of hearing and seeing all of this self-hate, and I’m also tired of being a part of it. Recently, I’ve seen a lot of my friends or followers on social media say in various ways that they’re ugly, unloved, or not enough. And I feel like there are numerous reasons why they say such things…(and this is all just generally speaking. I’m not accusing any of my personal friends or followers of doing any of these things said below. These are just thoughts and observations of what I’ve been seeing and thinking about)

1. A Joke. Some people say they’re ugly as a joke. And while I’m not trying to be that person who’s always so serious, I honestly don’t think calling other people or yourself ugly is a joke. Ugly is a hurtful, heavy word. You shouldn’t use it for others or for yourself.

2. Attention / Assurance. Some say they’re ugly for the attention. They want people to prove them wrong, to give them some positive feedback and attention because they’ve called themselves ugly.

3. Humble. Unfortunately, many people can’t/don’t know how to take a compliment, maybe because they feel like they don’t deserve the compliment being paid to them, or they’re just bashful. So instead of, or even along with, a “thank you,” there’s sometimes a “but…I’m actually [insert demeaning adjective or noun here].” When did we think that humbly receiving a compliment meant that we had to tear ourselves down to deny the positive thing someone said to us? Now, I’m not saying that every single time someone does this in particular, they are 100% serious; but the fact that they think it is a good way of being humble just doesn’t sit right with me.

And I’m not just pointing fingers at my friends/followers/other people. I’m pointing the finger at myself too; I am just as guilty of saying that “I am merely a bean!” to people who say that I look gorgeous or flawless. It’s just something we’ve got ingrained in us; I feel like we can’t handle how amazing we all are, so we have to tell ourselves that we actually aren’t that great compared to the entire population.

But every time I see or hear someone I know say something negative about themselves, I always try to combat it. Because, whether it’s a joke or not, everyone feels ugly at some point, and if they’re talking about it or bringing it up, I want to take the opportunity to assure them that they are definitely not whatever negative noun/adjective they said they are, but they surely are “wonderful,” “amazing,” “worthy,” “loveable,” etc.

Am I angry at the people who keep saying they’re ugly on social media or otherwise? No, of course, not. I tweeted today that I’d fight those people…

…but I mean that out of love. We all go through moments when we don’t feel pretty or handsome or good enough. Some go through these moments more than others. And I am so adamant about assuring people that they are beautiful and worthy, not because I’m trying to flatter them, or because I just want them to like me. I say those things – “You’re gorgeous,” “You’re flawless,” “You’re worth it, luvvy,” – because I truly believe it and mean it. Because I’ve had those moments when I didn’t feel beautiful, and wished someone would look at me, and sincerely tell me I was worthy, beautiful, enough.

I’ve seen way too many physically beautiful people say they’re physically unattractive. I’ve heard way too many people with beautiful personalities wish they were more physically attractive because they feel like their personalities don’t matter unless they are what the world defines as beautiful. There is not more stock in physically attractive people, or in personality attractive people. Both are equal, yet the world wants us to think otherwise.

I’m sorry that the world has established these standards of beauty that are unattainable for most of us. I’m sorry that we may feel unworthy because the person we like thinks someone else – someone who looks nothing like us – is attractive. I’m sorry that we think that taking a compliment means saying we’re actually the opposite of that compliment. I’m sorry that you not getting the attention of someone you love made you feel less than.

But oh, dear luvvy, you are so worthy.

Enough is enough. I stand for beauty of all types, shapes, sizes. No person on this earth is exactly alike, and that is the most beautiful thing about us as humans; as God’s creation. We are each created in His Image, His likeness. We have no idea what He physically looks like, but there are so many adjectives in the Bible that describe His character – good, faithful, wonderful, mighty, powerful, the list goes on. Now, we are not all-powerful, or all-good; we’re still humans who make mistakes, and we won’t ever be perfect in this life. But if we depend on the Lord, we are capable of being as faithful, wonderful, good as we can where He has placed us.

You probably saw this coming…those typical Bible verses that everyone brings out when talking about self-esteem, beauty, etc. Psalm 139:13-14. Maybe some of you didn’t see it coming / don’t know them, but even if you did, I’m still gonna drop them here:

“For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well.” (ESV)

You, dear reader, are beautiful, unique, wonderful, enough because the God of all creation created you, a wonderful work, a masterpiece. And He longs for you to know this very well, and to praise Him for it.

I know it’s hard sometimes; listen, I have just as much a hard time as anyone convincing myself that I am good enough in this world, that I am beautiful enough to be considered worthy of loving, that I am unique enough to stand out from the crowd. We beat ourselves up, and we have no reason to.

Also, the problem is not in wanting to be assured of how amazing we are; the problem is us being unable to see how amazing we are. It’s okay to want that affirmation from people, and I pray that there are people in your life to assure you of your beauty and greatness. But sometimes outside affirmation isn’t enough; sometimes that one person you want to hear it from doesn’t tell you what you want to hear. And this is why we have to be okay with ourselves, no, more than okay with ourselves; we have to see ourselves as worthy masterpieces. Not to the point of being prideful, but to the point of being able to see the beauty in other people too.

And I pray and encourage us all to look in the mirror tonight, tomorrow morning, right now, and say, “I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am unique. I am loved. And so is everyone else I come in contact with, be it face-to-face, or over social media.”

Say this with me: “I am amazing. You are amazing. We are all amazing.”

Now say it, and believe it.

#MishyWrites