walls.

“Story of my life I can’t quite comprehend. Don’t tell me if you know how it ends.”

These are some words from one of my favorite artists, The Rocket Summer i.e. Bryce Avary from his song “Walls.”

Honestly, I’ve been quite discouraged about where I am in my work. I’ve gotten pretty distracted by other projects, and other changes happening in my life (like work schedules and wisdom teeth surgery), and I feel like the clock is winding down on everything I need to accomplish, and because I’ve been doing a poor job at accomplishing things, I just need to surrender and realize it’s not going to get done.

I’ve been so discouraged that I almost didn’t do a #MotivationalMishyMonday tonight on Instagram live. Yes, I initially forgot about it, but the truth of the matter is, once I realized I needed to do it, I didn’t want to because I as feeling down and out. How could an unmotivated person like me go on Instagram and try to be all motivational for other people?

Just as I wrote about in my last post about being single, I was tempted to create another wall; a wall that hindered me from doing the work I knew needed to get done. A wall that discouraged me from even taking a step in the right direction towards accomplishing my goals. A wall of keeping silent about struggling through being unmotivated. And wanting to build this wall made me not want to do an IG live.

“I’ll help you break the walls down.”

But I’m so glad I went live; because I was very honest with the people who were live with me about how I was feeling about everything I was working on, and each person gave me some amazing pieces of advice that I feel like I needed to hear.

Even though I expressed this a little during the live, I want to thank each and every person who was there and who encouraged me, or even just talked to me tonight. Even though we may not know each other well or personally, your presence was needed in this exact moment in my life, and the Lord knew it.

This isn’t to say that people who didn’t join the live weren’t or aren’t as helpful to me in my times of discouragement. But here in this moment, I needed to hear the words that were said (or typed). I normally go on IG live to encourage others, but a lot of the time, I find that I am encourage by the people who join.

So, with another week officially started, I am willing to really re-prioritize why I’m doing all that I’m doing (thank you, Hannah). I’m ready to keep praying more and seeking the Lord on all that is going on. I’m ready to change my space; to rearrange some things so that my mind isn’t distracted by things surrounding me (thank you, Brittany). I am currently texting my best friend about what’s going on, telling her my feelings, and asking for advice and prayer (thank you, MiMi).

Thank you all for helping break my walls down. Thank you to Bryce Avary for writing and making music that will help re-focus my intentions, and express what I’m feeling. Thank You, Jesus, for a three-day weekend, and another start to a new week.

Philippians 4:13 – “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.”

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋

“i say, ‘I’m Fine,’ but i’m not.”

Okay, I’m going to admit something…

Earlier this week, I was struggling a lot with loneliness. It’s not that I don’t have friends, or family who love me. But, come on…I’m a woman in her early twenties, aaaaand I’m single. And I’ve been single for a long time. My whole life, actually. I don’t like to point that out, but I mean, it’s a fact.

And I think that sometimes, because I’m a Christian, I can’t admit that I’m sad that I’m single because I’m supposed to be satisfied and filled with the love of Jesus, and I’m not supposed to feel lonely or crave earthly affection or romantic love. But gosh darn it, I do, okay? I am human; the Lord created us for relationship with Him on the spiritual level, but He also created us to have relationships with each other. And I’ve never experienced that, romantically at least. And I’ll admit, sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on something.

I know (because I’ve been told by everyone who is in a romantic relationship, and have witnessed it) that romantic relationships are hard. But that doesn’t make me want one any less.

So, there are days when it doesn’t bother me that I’m single, and there are days when it bothers me a lot. I know I’m not the only one who’s felt like this, therefore, I feel no shame in admitting it. It’s hard out here, y’all. And yes, I have heard, and I understand all those encouraging sayings to all the single people out there such as: “Just be patient, the Lord has a plan for you.” (well, that plan may be that I’m single for the rest of my life, who knows, you know?)

I know that parents, friends, small group leaders, etc. say this to be encouraging, and sometimes it is encouraging, and man, sometimes it’s not. Waiting is hard. Being patient? HARD.

And during this period of waiting, I tend to put up this wall, this shield so that the loneliness, and all the other negative feelings that sometimes go along with being single, don’t phase me. Or so I would like to make myself and others think.

But no, underneath that shield, that armor, is a fragile human being that gets hit with all those emotions and all those feelings all at once, and just longs to be loved.

Now, I do believe that as a Christian, I should be hiding behind the love of Jesus instead of this figurative wall or shield or armor that I’m using to deny these feelings I have. I do believe that His love is the only one that truly satisfies. And I’ll be honest, there are days when I think I really understand this concept, and there are days I wonder how I could ever feel satisfied by it because somehow I don’t anymore. I’m still learning how to accept it, still growing in it, still wanting it.

Because I would rather not feel any of the feelings I feel in this super short poem I wrote, and truly understand His love. I’d rather just rest in Perfect Love that doesn’t leave, that casts out fear, that died for me and all the sins of humanity instead of hide behind this makeshift boundary I’ve created.

Maybe later I’ll write a redemptive portion for this poem, but for now, here we are with the vulnerable feelings, plain and simple. This is just how I feel sometimes. #TruthPrevails

“i say, ‘I’m Fine,’ but i’m not.”

Sometimes
I put on this armor,
Hold up this shield that deflects all of the
Hurt,
Loneliness,
Shame,
Pity,
Ugliness,
For just a little while.
The armor can only take so much
Before it falls apart,
And
All of the feelings
Hit me at once.

#MishyWrites

💙 Mishy 🦋

Living the Dream.

Yesterday before I left my dad’s hotel room, he asked our family a question – if we could do anything as a job for the rest of our lives, what would it be? And it was cool to share with them the dreams that I’m currently working towards.

6.5

That’s the amount of weeks I have left until everything drops. I’ve been debating on when I should tell people, if it’s a good idea to go ahead and scream the date out, or if it’s too early in advance for people to know because they may just forget about it.

But hey, I guess it doesn’t hurt to actually say it. Maybe it’ll keep me accountable for getting everything I need to get done accomplished.

June 21st.

June 21st – Why This Date?

Because it’s the first day of summer, my favorite season. Because I feel like it gives me enough time to get my things in order website-wise, and also writing/spoken word wise. I’m planning some great things, and I’m praying that they all work out, and that I’ll be able to continue to provide some content for everything, and get a dream of mine that I’ve had for months now up and running.

But Wait, What are Your Dreams?

I dream about a lot of things – traveling, writing for a living, publishing a book, speaking my words in front of a live audience, doing a book signing. And for what? To reach who?

To just speak to people in general who have gone through the same things I’ve gone through, or feel the same things I’ve felt. To acknowledge the difficulty in life, but also acknowledge the beauty in it. To point back to my Heavenly Father Who is over all things, and Who deserves all the glory, honor, and praise. To wrap my arms metaphorically and even literally around young women, and remind them that they are special beings to behold; that they may feel inadequate at times, but they are truly treasures. To tell them that they aren’t their past, and they are capable of so much more than they realize.

I truly believe that in the past couple of months, God has been pulling on my heart about my writing, the gift He has so graciously given to me. Previously, I’d been writing things with the same amount of emotion and passion, but I was afraid to really break out and try new things for fear that I wasn’t good at them; for fear that people wouldn’t like the way that I was trying to communicate.

But then I did it, and thanks to Silas Doss, who was so willing to help me speak the words I’d been writing, I have just felt this rush of passion, and it’s opened my eyes to what I feel like I should be working towards. And ever since then, the Lord has been opening doors of opportunity, and it has been a beautiful thing to see and to live. And thanks to family and friends who I’ve been discussing these dreams with, I haven’t given up on pursuing them yet! It helps to have the support of these people in my life.

Now, this doesn’t mean that I’m 100% sure that what I’m working towards is going to work out. Who knows, maybe the Lord will pull me in a different direction as I’m going through this entire process. But as of now, I am moving forward. I am answering the call, and still bowing in humility because I don’t want to misstep anywhere, and go where God doesn’t want me.

 

I won’t release details of what I’m working on just yet…maybe I’ll wait a couple more weeks to unfold it all. But I think it just hit me last night as I was answering my dad’s question about doing a dream job forever, something I love – I think it was just cool to acknowledge aloud that I am currently working towards that; that my dream didn’t feel like a distant idea that was unattainable.

It felt real. And it is real.

#JustStartWriting

💙 Mishy 🦋

updates + a poem.

So, haha, hello? Is this thing on??

It’s definitely been a minute. More like a week. I feel like that’s been the longest I’ve gone without blogging all year. And it feels so weird. And I’m sorry for being so absent!

I have been extremely busy with some new projects, life events, social events, and work. How it’s almost the end of April is beyond me. How Easter has come and gone is crazy. How my sister is graduating from college next weekend, therefore, making it a year since I graduated college is unbelievably out-of-this-world. Time flies.

I am going to share a poem that I wrote during my two-week Twitter break. It was a poem that I was going to save for later posting, but I think it’s time to share it with you all.

It’s appropriate to share it now, I think, because as I’m preparing and working on my creative endeavors, I have to constantly remind myself that I cannot be distracted by all the things going on; I can’ even be distracted with my creative work. I can’t let all the hours of tedious typing, alignment, filming, thinking overcome my spiritual life, and bring me into the jaws of pride.

I can’t wait until everything I’m currently working on comes together so that you aren’t just exposed to the written aspect of my words, but you’ll be able to hear it in my voice, and visualize it through acting.

Coming soon. 8.5 is the magic number as of right now. #waitonit

For now, though, enjoy this poem: 

I was hesitant to let go for fear of others’ thoughts. I was scared that if I admitted I had a problem, there would be judgment, shame. I could hear the “you know better’s” and the “I thought you had it all together’s” hindering me from growing. Closing doors of opportunity without me even knowing.

I tried to run from it. Tried to pretend like everything was fine. I tried to make it seem like I wasn’t wasting my time, but I can’t run from God. I can’t hide, can’t pretend that my Maker doesn’t know what’s best for me, or isn’t on my side.

I wanted to think I could handle it all – the attention, the pressure, the admiration and love. I thought being humble about everything would be enough, but pride is sneaky; it takes many different shapes. So much so, before you know it, you’re no longer just “great,” but you’re the greatest, the best, better than the rest.

I told a friend that the battle in my mind was too clear. Spirit desired to do good, but the flesh was also near, whispering in my ear that I deserved all this. I’d worked hard, I’d been searching, seeking, waiting on God to make things abundantly clear to me.

Surely, I thought, surely, this is where I need to be. What I need to do. 

But, O God, I cannot move forward. No, not without You.

Steady my heart, Lord. Steady my mind. Take the pen in my hand and, write out my poems, my rhymes. 

It all sounds so good, God. It all feels so right.

Or so I thought, until I could no longer sleep at night. My mind began to wander, my heart unsteady still. And, finally, I could take no more, and said,

Lord, have Your will. Not mine. I’m sorry it took some time for me to obey, and see that my way was getting me nowhere.

God, I haven’t written a good few words in some days now. And I’m scared. Please don’t take this gift from me, please give me strength to use it well. Humble me now, and ready my soul so I may continue to write and tell everyone I know or come in contact with that my words are not mine, but Yours.

I plead the fifth.

Because none of it was me, no, the only thing I’m guilty of is allowing pride to swallow me, and still fool me into thinking I was good. I could handle this. I could be humble enough to manage this, but God in His grace showed me how wrong I was, and told me to get away from all the buzz, the noise that was causing me to focus more on myself than on Him.

Lord, I accept Your mercy. Please, forgive my sin.

#JustStartWriting

💙 Mishy 🦋

Easter Sunday

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. The day in which Christians celebrate the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

Part of me felt like writing something about this day would be sort of cheesy or distasteful since so many people are writing, posting, snapping about it. And unfortunately, I feel like this day is only overlooked or watered down due to the pressure to sometimes post about what we’re wearing or doing, who we’re with, or where we are for Easter Sunday.

(I’m guilty of all this too, so in no way am I just pointing the finger at other people.)

But I just want to take a second and just breathe and think about this day.

I’ve seen two really great posts about Easter, ones that have truly reminded me of how important the past few days have been, from Good Friday until tomorrow, Easter Sunday. 

One was from a friend who reminisced on several occasions when his life could have been taken, but wasn’t, and in thinking about these things, thought of how Christ had ultimately taken his place, and given up His life to save all of us who believe in Him. My friend’s words shook me; to have that kind of perspective was extremely wise and insightful. 

The other was from another friend who expressed her frustration over how this weekend was seen sometimes as simply a Friday off of work, or the only Sunday of the year people go to church. And I admired her boldness in writing how her heart was feeling, and I also felt convicted about the things she was frustrated with, especially since this weekend I’m out of town, and not in my normal setting of going to church and such.

I want to thank these two friends for sharing their hearts and thoughts about Easter, and what it means to them. Their words probably touched more people than they know.

Even as I write this, I am asking the Lord to forgive me for simply seeing this weekend as a long weekend, even though it is. But it is so much more. As a Christian myself, this weekend should mean everything to me. And although it has definitely been a healing weekend being home, and with two of my closest friends, it is more so healing because I am celebrating my Savior conquering death. He did so so that I may have life, so that I may be able to one day live in eternity with him.

And, although I am truly grateful for the blessing of being home, this gift is way better than a long weekend at the beach. 

So as I challenge myself, I also challenge any other Christians to not just simply observe Easter Sunday, but to contemplate all it is. To really think about what this means in regards to our faith. To ask the Lord to help us grasp the gravity of this celebration.

And since I don’t write posts on Sundays, I will exclaim this now:

Hallelujah, He is risen! My Lord and Savior lives! 

#JustStartWriting

💙 Mishy 🦋

She is Home.

She walked along the shore, searching for shark teeth among the remnants of shells that had made their home in the wet sand. Occasionally, she would bend down to get a better look, to pick up what she thought would be a shark tooth, to dig her fingers through the sand.

She was home. 

She would stand at the edge of the shore, and squint at the sun reflecting off of the ocean. How she could have taken this place for granted, she didn’t know.

But now – now she was fully present. Fully aware of how much this place provided a sowing ground for her to truly grow into who she was right then. What was it that someone once said? A seed must grow through dirt in order to become a beautiful flower? 

So it was with her. 

The memories of this place weren’t all difficult or stressful; there were definitely days in which she smiled her brightest smile, days in which she would ride around the island, and realize the beauty that the Lord had created. Days in which she acknowledged the blessing it was to be living a long-time dream of her childhood.

 Yet there were the hard times, and she couldn’t deny it; times when she would find herself questioning why she had to go through things, why some things that were given had to be taken away, why there wasn’t an easier solution that could ease the pain she constantly carried with her.

There were so many times she thought she’d moved on, when really, the pride of this thought only caused her to turn a blind eye to the worries that choked her into silence. Or so it thought.

Now. She is back. She is home. And she understands.

She looks back at those times, and sees the Lord’s hand in it, and she is on her knees thanking God for it all – even for the pain – and praying that He continues to lead her.

Because even though He has given her this sweet time – this time to return to a place so pivotal in her journey – she knows that it isn’t over. This hilltop experience will not last long, and she is asking for the patience, the strength, and the courage to continue on. 

But for now…she is home. She is well, and at peace. All the things she’d been holding onto have now been released. 

Thank You, Jesus.

#JustStartWriting

💙 Mishy 🦋

The Circle of Pride

***I credit the title of this post to my friend Taylor Young, who came up with this one night when I was on Instagram live talking about the reasons why I was off of Twitter for the last two weeks of Lent.

Ahh, pride. It’s crazy how I tend to think to myself, “Pride doesn’t have a hold on me. I’m not that prideful. I think I’m a pretty humble person.” I’ve stopped myself a few times as I’ve thought these things, and wondered if me declaring that I wasn’t prideful was kinda…well…prideful.

Pride isn’t always a bad thing – you can be proud of your family and friends, your achievements, your job, etc. It’s okay to feel some pride in these things. It’s when you become “too big for your britches,” when you tend to brag more on yourself than on the others in your life, when you would rather credit yourself for where you are than God, or the other people and circumstances who are involved in your life that pride becomes a problem.

On Instagram live a couple of days ago, I was talking about how I had to let go of Twitter because I was starting to become way too consumed with other people’s lives and opinions. But I was super hesitant to let go of it because it was a major resource to update my followers on what was going on with me via my blog and newly created YouTube channel. It was keeping me up-to-date with all the musicians I follow, and when they would be going on tour for the spring/summer time.

It was…a major distraction. And I was afraid to admit it.

I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t handle the distraction because I honestly thought I’d conquered it already. I have owned my Twitter account for a solid 6 years, I believe, and yes, I have had to take breaks from it, but only because I was in college and it was distracting to my school work. Surely, I had a handle on it now that I was only working to pay bills, and working on my creative outlets.

Wrong. I didn’t have it all together like I thought I did. And I didn’t want to admit it to myself or to the people who followed me on social media. Pride, plain and simple.

So, what did I do? I ignored it. I tried to keep on living with the app still on my phone, attempting to not scroll through the endless feed of tweets. I assured myself that I was just going through a phase for like a day or two, that it wasn’t that big of a deal, that I could possibly be committing a social media crime by not posting on there for more than a day or so.

And all these thoughts made me stop, probably more than once, and ask myself if I was just being prideful about it all – if thinking that I had it all together on Twitter was hindering me from growing and focusing in areas that really mattered to me.

By the grace of God, I began to notice how my writing was being negatively affected because of being distracted. I couldn’t think about what to write because the only thing I could think about was my Twitter presence. I couldn’t even focus on the plans I was trying to pray and work through because of this distraction. And my spiritual life seemed to be a little more empty; I felt like there was some silence, or maybe I just wasn’t listening to God well enough (actually, I’m pretty sure that’s what that was).

It became even clearer to me that something needed to be done after I listened to a sermon at church about spiritual exhaustion, and while Twitter hadn’t been mentioned specifically, the speaker explained that sometimes we need to give up something in order for us to experience spiritual rest, in order for the Lord to really speak to and use us where we are, and in that moment, I knew – Twitter had to go.

I’d actually had the thought of being off of Twitter for two weeks before really noticing the impact it had on me. Why I thought two weeks instead of one week, I didn’t really know. But my pride really got in the way of making this decision. It was a cycle or circle of pride, if you will – I realized the affect Twitter was having on me, thought that a change needed to be made, knew that if I went through this change some things I cared about might be affected, thought I could handle it, knew it was kind of prideful to think that way, still acted in a prideful manner and ignored my feelings about it all.

And despite all this – realizing my pride, and finally giving up Twitter for the last two weeks of Lent – I still sit here and question my pride level. I feel like this cycle has been ongoing, and I wonder if it’s always been ongoing and I’m just now noticing it, or if it’s a new phase, a new season in my life that is causing this highlight of pride in my life.

Maybe you’ve been in the same place as me, and have caught yourself in the circle of pride, still cycling through the questions, realizations, decisions. Or maybe reading this has made you think through your own life, and try to seek out the pride that could possibly be holding onto you.

I just felt like I needed to write this out, for my own thought process if nothing else. But I hope and pray that something in this post touched your heart. And if you’re not struggling with pride in any sort of way, I praise God for that.

Because this struggle within me right now isn’t easy. Just like Twitter was to me, it is distracting to everything I am aiming to do. It sometimes causes me to look away from my heavenly Father because I’m so concerned about whether I’m being too prideful or not, but it also draws me closer to Him because I know I cannot get through this with my own strength.

Please continue to pray for me as I wrestle with this cycle. And I will be praying for anyone else who is feeling this as well.

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” – Psalm 19:14 (ESV)

#JustStartWriting

💙 Mishy 🦋