updates + a poem.

So, haha, hello? Is this thing on??

It’s definitely been a minute. More like a week. I feel like that’s been the longest I’ve gone without blogging all year. And it feels so weird. And I’m sorry for being so absent!

I have been extremely busy with some new projects, life events, social events, and work. How it’s almost the end of April is beyond me. How Easter has come and gone is crazy. How my sister is graduating from college next weekend, therefore, making it a year since I graduated college is unbelievably out-of-this-world. Time flies.

I am going to share a poem that I wrote during my two-week Twitter break. It was a poem that I was going to save for later posting, but I think it’s time to share it with you all.

It’s appropriate to share it now, I think, because as I’m preparing and working on my creative endeavors, I have to constantly remind myself that I cannot be distracted by all the things going on; I can’ even be distracted with my creative work. I can’t let all the hours of tedious typing, alignment, filming, thinking overcome my spiritual life, and bring me into the jaws of pride.

I can’t wait until everything I’m currently working on comes together so that you aren’t just exposed to the written aspect of my words, but you’ll be able to hear it in my voice, and visualize it through acting.

Coming soon. 8.5 is the magic number as of right now. #waitonit

For now, though, enjoy this poem: 

I was hesitant to let go for fear of others’ thoughts. I was scared that if I admitted I had a problem, there would be judgment, shame. I could hear the “you know better’s” and the “I thought you had it all together’s” hindering me from growing. Closing doors of opportunity without me even knowing.

I tried to run from it. Tried to pretend like everything was fine. I tried to make it seem like I wasn’t wasting my time, but I can’t run from God. I can’t hide, can’t pretend that my Maker doesn’t know what’s best for me, or isn’t on my side.

I wanted to think I could handle it all – the attention, the pressure, the admiration and love. I thought being humble about everything would be enough, but pride is sneaky; it takes many different shapes. So much so, before you know it, you’re no longer just “great,” but you’re the greatest, the best, better than the rest.

I told a friend that the battle in my mind was too clear. Spirit desired to do good, but the flesh was also near, whispering in my ear that I deserved all this. I’d worked hard, I’d been searching, seeking, waiting on God to make things abundantly clear to me.

Surely, I thought, surely, this is where I need to be. What I need to do. 

But, O God, I cannot move forward. No, not without You.

Steady my heart, Lord. Steady my mind. Take the pen in my hand and, write out my poems, my rhymes. 

It all sounds so good, God. It all feels so right.

Or so I thought, until I could no longer sleep at night. My mind began to wander, my heart unsteady still. And, finally, I could take no more, and said,

Lord, have Your will. Not mine. I’m sorry it took some time for me to obey, and see that my way was getting me nowhere.

God, I haven’t written a good few words in some days now. And I’m scared. Please don’t take this gift from me, please give me strength to use it well. Humble me now, and ready my soul so I may continue to write and tell everyone I know or come in contact with that my words are not mine, but Yours.

I plead the fifth.

Because none of it was me, no, the only thing I’m guilty of is allowing pride to swallow me, and still fool me into thinking I was good. I could handle this. I could be humble enough to manage this, but God in His grace showed me how wrong I was, and told me to get away from all the buzz, the noise that was causing me to focus more on myself than on Him.

Lord, I accept Your mercy. Please, forgive my sin.

#JustStartWriting

πŸ’™ Mishy πŸ¦‹

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