the wrestle.

I’ve got a lot going on right now – creatively, spiritually, mentally.

I feel overwhelmed, but also, I feel like I’m okay. It’s such a weird feeling, and maybe it’s because I’m keeping myself busier than ever with things I’ve been wanting to do for a while, but just haven’t gotten the chance to.

For those who don’t know, I started my YouTube channel this week. And while I’ve been focusing on trying to get that all up and running, I feel like my writing has taken a backseat as of right now, at least for this week. It’s a weird feeling – having my energy be placed on something else other than my words. I think it’s a good thing to get my mind thinking in a different creative outlet, but I am also fearful that I’ll lose the passion, and the goodness that my writing has started to become.

Praying for peace and clarity. I feel like I enjoy so many different things, and I want to do them all, and there’s time within the week to do it, but so many sacrifices have to be made. Like the sacrifice of getting good sleep. Or blogging every day like I’m supposed to. Or truly observing life through the unique lens that God’s blessed me with.

I’m praying for focus. For clarity. For a steady heart and mind because I’m not feeling really steady these days. And even though I’m spending time in the Word every day like I know I’m supposed to, I sometimes feel like my cries for steadiness are in vain. And maybe the Lord just wants me to lean further into Him, and if so, all this is working, because I feel like I need to lean into Him even more now than ever before.

Because ultimately, I feel distracted. I sort of feel like a lot has been thrown at me all at once, and my heart is trying so hard to be strong in the Lord, but I feel so weak. And I cry as I write this because I can feel the weakness caving me in; the tears that flow are begging for the Lord to just take all the things away that have been causing my heart and mind to ache, and to look away from Him.

I know it’s not that easy, though. I write sometimes about how I immediately feel peace when I pray for it, and although sometimes that does occur, it doesn’t happen like that all the time. And in moments when the Lord is allowing me to bend even more than I normally do, and I’m left crying out to Him to please just steady me, I have to remind myself that I kind of prayed for this.

I prayed to be strengthened in Him. I prayed for my faith to increase. I prayed for my patience to not wear thin. I prayed that the Lord would guide and direct my footsteps as I walk through life daily. I prayed that, in all that I do, God would direct my mind and heart, and that I wouldn’t lose sight of Him.

When I pray for things like that, I know they don’t just appear or happen automatically. In order for any bettering to occur, I need to be faced with challenges that will allow me to really plant myself in the Lord for these things to increase. For me to grow. To test me where I am, and to self-evaluate, and act, or make changes where they need to happen.

And if I’m honest with myself, in some instances, I knew of some things I had to do to take the distractions away, but I didn’t trust Him enough to let these things go, and now here I am, left questioning why things aren’t going the way I thought they would. Forgive me, Lord.

Well, as I sit here, after writing all this, I am ready to start anew. I am ready to listen, ready to obey, ready get rid of those distractions. Ready to embrace the fullness of the Lord.

“This is my desire: to be used by You.”

#JustStartWriting

💙 Mishy 🦋

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