I’m actually happily bouncing to State Champs’ album The Finer Things, and not “Don’t” by Bryson Tiller as I write this.
Hello, friends. It’s been a minute.
And I will be quite honest in telling you that these past few weeks (has it almost been a month since I moved to Chatt?) have not been what I imagined them to be. Productivity has been lacking.
I’ve been so afraid to write to you all. Afraid that what I had to say right here and right now would be irrelevant since I’ve been absent for so long. I didn’t want to make this just another “I’m back!” post because I’d written one of those weeks ago, and clearly, I wasn’t back.
But. I think it’s time.
Recently, I’d been feeling the weight of just not being okay. Which is okay – it’s okay to not be okay. Mentally, I had been trying to motivate myself to get back to writing. Emotionally, I was just tired of certain situations in my life that were just not panning out the way I thought they would. I’m a pretty optimistic person all around, and I can fake it pretty well on the outside, but mentally and emotionally, I can really bring myself down.
Spiritually, I hadn’t opened my Bible in maybe a couple of weeks, and I was feeling guilty about it. And on top of all of that, I had acquired a cold probably because of all the children I was watching at the preschool I currently work at + it’s just that time of year.
The motivation was lacking so much, you guys. Have you ever felt like that? Like, you know you have things to do, and there are things you want to do, but you just can’t take that first step? And you just wait for some sort of push from something or someone? That’s where I was.
I’m usually pretty vulnerable with you guys (at least, I think I am) but quite honestly, there were some specific things that occurred in my life that really just gave me that push I needed to realize that I needed to make a change. I’m not going to say specifically what, but just know that they weren’t extremely earth-shattering, just some minor things that have really tested me in different areas of my life.
I knew that in order for all my priorities to get back to where they needed to be, I needed to start with the main priority – my relationship with the Lord. And seriously, after spending time with God in His Word, and just opening my heart back up to talking with Him in prayer, I wondered why I ever stopped, or how I ever got distracted enough to not do one of the most important things. I was ashamed that it seemed like everything I’d learned while being at home had been shoved into a corner while I tried to balance my own life with a new job, living in a new place, getting a new schedule, and adding a sort of new social life since I had more people I could hang out with now.
But that’s how it always goes. It is so easy to become distracted by other things, and forget other things you were focusing on.
And honestly, I felt slightly embarrassed that I hadn’t kept up my writing as the founder of #JustStartWriting. How could I encourage other people to do what they love when I could barely motivate myself to do so?
Being back feels so great though. I don’t even care that it’s almost been a whole month or two since I’ve written every day, and I also don’t feel too bad that I’m just writing to you all what’s been happening with me.
I’m learning that it’s okay to have dry spells, to have nothing really important to say in a blog post. It’s okay to not have a point to your writing if you just need to get some words onto a page to spur or spark something inside you, or to bring you back to the main reason you write in the first place.
As difficult as it has been trudging through this valley I’ve been in these past few weeks, my eyes have been opened to things I needed to see before I move forward with #JustStartWriting, my personal writing, and other things I find enjoyable. And I thank God for taking me through it all. I needed to experience it, as painful as it was/still is.
So, Now What?
Notice how the title of this post says I’m “better,” and not “perfect.” There’s a lot I need to work on, and I know that I’m a little behind on what I wanted to accomplish this month. Transitioning took a little more out of me than I expected, but that’s okay.
“I’m running away from the days that made me unstable.
And I’m taking a chance on the lessons I learned.”
– State Champs, “Tooth and Nail”
I’m not discouraged though. Maybe I won’t get everything done by the New Year, and maybe I will. Either way, I just want to do the best that I can with whatever I have on my plate, and with whatever time I have left this year, and in the new year to come. I am grateful to have friends who constantly encourage me in the Lord, and in the things that I want to pursue.
*breathe in, breathe out* I am ready to take this on.
Sorry this ended up being another “I’m back!” post, but I just needed to get some writing out. I needed to take this step of blogging again – to come home to To the Brim to gain the momentum to move forward.
So I plan on blogging every day until 2016 is over, and maybe some of the things I want to accomplish will be finished in time for me to reveal them to you all. I have no plans of themes or series during this time; maybe it’ll just be a bunch of updates on how things are going. Or, who knows, maybe I’ll get inspired by something and create a brand-new series. We shall see.
On a side note, how is Christmas five days away? Truthfully, I’ve been so distracted that not even the Christmas spirit has been on my mind since only recently. I’m not even sure if it truly feels like Christmas to me right now. Maybe it’s because I no longer have a few weeks of nothing ahead of me, but work, work, and more work. Hello, adulthood lol.
“Last year I was a trainwreck, now I’m just a mess.
I’m letting go so I don’t lose myself.
I’m starting to be where I need to be.”
– Real Friends, “Mess”
Happy to be back with you all. So ready to continue sharing my thoughts, and reading your feedback as well.