I feel like I’ve only admitted this to maybe five people. Four of them being my best friends, and one of them being a good friend whom I just felt like I had to share my thoughts with.
But can I be honest?
I’m totally insecure when it comes to my faith in Jesus sometimes.
That may sound like a dumb thing to type out. I feel like some of my fellow Christian brothers and sisters are thinking, “Okay, yeah, Mishy, we’re not perfect, so we all sometimes feel insecure in our faith. It’s fine. You’re fine. I’ll pray for you.”
But I don’t think it’s fine. In fact, I find it crippling sometimes. So crippling it totally just overtakes my mind, and causes me to lose sight of Who and what really is important.
It’s not even in the fact of admitting that I have faith in Jesus, because I feel like that’s the easy part. But when it comes to talking to other Christians about my faith, I sometimes start to doubt what I believe about Him. Because when they start to talk about what they think or believe, I start to wonder if what I believe about Him may be wrong or unbiblical, and I’m afraid that I’ll be judged for whatever I say next in the conversation.
So I feel like I fumble a lot when it comes to expressing what I think, even in terms of life application from the Bible. Because of this, I’m always asking my friends if what I wrote or am about to say about my faith is true or right or even makes sense.
I’m afraid that I can’t convince the person or party that I’m talking to that I’m a Christian. I’m afraid that I’ll be seen as a fake Christian, or maybe not even a Christian at all. Notice how this thought process is based on my faith being assured by others, and not in Christ alone.
Isn’t that sad? I can’t even explain what I truly believe and think is biblical because I’m too focused and caught up in what other people may think of me.
I actually considered not posting this because I WAS AFRAID OF WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WOULD THINK ABOUT ME. I had to text Bria, and be like, “Yo, you think this is too personal, or nah?” and get the “Yeah just take the leap” from my best friend. Not saying it’s not wise to seek counsel, and ask if you’re unsure, but I do this every time when it comes to a post or a statement about my faith.
Seriously, what is wrong with me?
Maybe part of this is due to the endless perfectionism I hold myself to; this terrible standard that I know isn’t rooted in godliness, but rooted in what I believe to be perfect. This is also probably part of the cause of those worry/anxiety issues I bring up every few posts?
With the faith I have in Jesus, I shouldn’t be living in fear in general, especially living in fear of what other people think about me, or what I believe.
I was originally going to say that as long as I know what I believe, and am confident in that, I don’t need to worry about what other people think.
But I don’t want to be confident in what I believe, because clearly that gets all messed up. I just want to be confident in my Savior.
And I know that as a sinner, I’m not always going to have that confidence, or maybe I won’t gain that confidence in this life so I can constantly depend on the Lord’s grace for confidence rather than in myself.
Now does this mean that I don’t want my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to steer me in the right path if I’m straying in my biblical thought process? Or that I don’t give a rip about what you think a specific thing in the Bible means? Of course this isn’t what this post means.
I just don’t want or need my faith to be affected by what other people believe – whether that be belief in their personal faith, who I am, or what I believe. It’s not bad to hear something from someone else, and feel unsure of whether or not you agree with it. It’s also not bad to question, wonder, or research about it, but dang, I just wanna be immersed in the Gospel, and not get caught up in the technical tape.
This I know to be true:
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but shall have eternal life.” – John 3:16
This I believe. Because of this, I can live in freedom – freedom from perfectionism, freedom from worry/anxiety, freedom from caring what other people think, or convincing them that, yes, I am a Christian. Unfortunately, I don’t live in this mindset of freedom as often as I should. I understand that I have a problem, and it’s rooted in the fact that I care too dang much about how other people perceive me. And I know I’ve got a long way to go.
I don’t write this to be all “me, me, me,”; I sometimes hate that when I write to you guys, it’s all only centered around my viewpoint, my perspective, and my life.
But to those who may understand where I’m coming from because you’ve felt this way, or are currently feeling this way, I just want you to know you’re not alone, and you’re not stupid or any less of a Christian for thinking this way. The Lord knows your heart better than anyone else, and that’s what matters.
To my fellow believers in Christ: if you wouldn’t mind, please pray for me, and for others who struggle with this mindset. It can become discouraging and exhausting, and I can’t speak for everyone, but I know that for me personally, it causes me to have some really negative mindsets.
Please just pray for peace and confidence in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.