Focus on this sentence with me before you continue:
I can’t do my best or be my best or give my best if I don’t REST.
I texted the sentence above to a friend of mine tonight after typing away at this post. Because (WARNING: this is going to sound cliche, but I believe it with all my heart), I have had an epiphany. The Lord has opened my eyes, y’all, and I am thankful that He has, and I’m excited to share this with you guys.
I promised a new series…I just didn’t realize this is what it would be.
But man, something’s just been on my heart recently, and I feel like I need to say it because maybe someone out there has felt/is feeling the same way.
Guys, I get tired sometimes.
Like physically, I’m always tired (the struggles of adulthood lol), but sometimes I feel emotionally spent.
What I’m about to write about myself is something I’ve been told; I don’t say it to be prideful, or to brag about what I do. I want to make a point here…
I like to do a lot for people, especially the ones I care about like my family and friends. I love to write notes, bake stuff, and buy things for people. And if you come over to my house to hangout, 8-9/10 I will do all I can to make sure you’re comfortable. If you need something, I’ll gladly get it for you. If we don’t have it, I’ll find something so similar to it, you won’t even know the difference. I love to accommodate people; I like to make them feel happy and welcomed, and make them feel like they matter, because they do.
But dang, it’s all a lot of work. And I won’t lie, sometimes I get frustrated when I don’t get returned the favor, when I don’t receive anything back, or when I’m not even sure if my friendship is an actual friendship because I feel like I’m the only one making moves to keep it as such. And then I feel guilty for feeling this way. And, quite honestly, I suffer in silence as I just keep on giving, spending, or doing whatever I can until I feel like I just don’t have it in me anymore.
Please hear me out when I say this is not to guilt-trip anyone into doing anything for me. This whole situation has been something I’ve constantly struggled with throughout my life, and recently, I’ve just been thinking these thoughts out loud to some close friends, asking for advice, and praying about it.
“Mishy, Take a Break…”
Why don’t I just stop or take a break, you ask? Because in my mind, stopping or taking a break would communicate to that person that I no longer care about them. Isn’t that messed up? As if these people even need me to let them know that they’re special or loved.
Cause they don’t. I’m not that special. I need to get over myself.
But I also don’t stop because I feel that Christ continually gave, so why should I stop giving? As a Christian, if I’m to love like Christ loved, then that means giving all of myself, selflessly, to those who need it, whether that be in the form of accountability, physical needs, a hug, whatever.
Like, if this doesn’t reveal to you just how selfish and self-centered I can be, then I don’t know what else will. I sincerely want to apologize for even thinking this way. I am human, I’m not perfect.
“You’re Not SuperGirl, Sorry.”
I knoooowwww, and I’m pretty sure someone has actually said this to me before.
I know that I am human. I am limited in all the ways – mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I can only do so much.
But I sometimes go overboard, and then realize it after it’s too late.
It’s not even the fact that I want praise for what I’ve done; I just want someone to say they care about me too, ya know? And when that doesn’t happen, I start to feel really crappy – I start to regret the things that I decided to do for others instead of having that initial joy I felt when I gave from my heart. Bitterness begins to overcome my thinking.
So, all these thoughts lead me to this question…
Where’s the balance?
Where’s the balance among loving people the way Christ would (selflessly, without wanting anything in return), caring for the people I care about the way I love to, but also caring for myself / realizing when it’s time to take a break or stop altogether?
I believe that the Lord has given me some insight on this through recent friends, and situations that have occurred. I truly think that the answer is one word:
This word + all of the questions and thoughts + some other things the Lord has placed on my heart recently, have led me to make some decisions about my life, including how I’m going to continue #JustStartWriting from now on.
So, join me in the journey; this is just the beginning.
Tomorrow, I’ll begin unpacking all of these thoughts, and I’ll continue the series every day until the final post will explain the changes I’m making both in my life and in #JustStartWriting. All good changes, I believe. It may only take a post or two for me to get what I need to say across, so maybe this’ll just be a mini-mini-series. But I think it’s a crucial one. Wow, I wasn’t expecting any of this to come up tonight, if I’m honest. But I’m super excited.