I clearly didn’t put up a post yesterday, and I apologize. But I was honestly having a rough day yesterday, and I was stressed, but I did write something in advance, I was just having a lot of fun last night and forgot.
But I mean, even though I missed a day, that doesn’t mean this #JustStartWriting thing is over! I’m still here, and we’re finishing this out.
So, here’s what I wrote yesterday. It actually is perfect because writing a post wasn’t the only thing I failed at this weekend…
I wasn’t born on Lookout Mountain, GA, but my roots here are deep.
I took a walk around my grandparents neighborhood to clear my head because frankly, I was frustrated and annoyed. I’d spread myself way too thin trying to see so many people that mattered to me. I felt like if I couldn’t adjust myself to their schedules to try to see them that I wasn’t being a good friend, or that in some way, I was telling them that I didn’t care.
So rather than just sit and bundle my frustrations inside me, I decided to walk it out. Initially, I’d had my phone in my hand, aimlessly looking through apps, text messages, wishing there was something I could do to change my situation. I felt so tied up, and so stupid for feeling like I could do it all and somehow make everyone happy.
This is a weakness of mine. I always have everything planned out so perfectly in my head, but when it doesn’t execute in such ways, I shut down or freak out. I mostly freak out though; I admit that.
But I realized that spending time staring at my phone, and scrolling through the text messages of plans made and remade and undone wasn’t helping. So I shoved my phone in my back pocket, and looked around as I walked.
My grandparents neighborhood holds so many memories, some of which I’ve mentioned before – 4th of July hangouts, playing “Curb Wars” on the street because we were sick of Four Square, swinging in “Grandma Karen’s” hammock, and falling out of it because I got scared that her dogs would bite me. They chased me down the street. I was pretty fast when I was scared.
And looking around the neighborhood reminded me of just how long these streets had remained significant to me. The lessons I learned about myself and others. The friendships that had grown and shaped me.
Change had come to the neighborhood as well. There were still plenty of the same people who lived in the same houses, but the vibe was different. People had grown up and moved away. Houses that had been unfinished for years were finally made new with stucco perfectly place, and yards fully furnished. Old swings that had been hung from trees were replaced by new plastic ones, ready for the new generation to enjoy them.
But where did this all leave me? I guess it was all a physical reminder of where I came from, and how I’d changed, much like the neighborhood. But it also left me realizing how I still have yet to grow. How the neighborhood was still transforming itself, adapting to the new people and new things that came it’s way. Yet in a lot of ways, it’s still the same place I grew up in…
This is encouraging to me because seeing how much has changed means that it’s not too late for me to change this habit of making plans, and my reaction to said plans not working out. I can keep making plans; maybe try not to make them so big or something. But I can change how I deal with the pressure I’ve placed on myself to be that people-pleaser I’ve always been.
Things happen. Plans change. Shoot, I should really know that just by looking back at my summer, and seeing where I am now.
So, I may have failed this weekend. I may have let some people down, and maybe inconvenienced some of my friends. For that, I apologize; I only wanted to see everyone that I care about, and show them that I care by being able to look them in their eyes, and ask how everything was going.
I know I put this pressure on myself. I still need to grow in this area, and I’m hoping that the next time I get this opportunity, I’ll handle it better. Hopefully I won’t have to take a walk around my grandparents’ neighborhood to get rid of frustration. A nice walk just because would be nicer.