To be quite honest, I’m not feeling so good right now. Nothing’s terrible though. I have nothing to fully complain about knowing there are people studying their butts off and I’m just doing simple reading to keep up with my classes. I do have a test and a paper due soon, but I’m not writing 4 papers and I’m not studying for 3 tests in the same day.
However, something happened tonight that really bound my soul and caused me to really think about myself.
Back to Middle School…
Tonight was the first night our team “The Ruffians” had two games of intramural dodgeball. I was so excited and so pumped. I won’t go into too many details except for the fact that we won the first game and lost the second. It was during the second one though, that I did something I normally don’t do in a public setting.
Our team was doing pretty poorly in that second game. I was able to go in once, but as soon as I did, I got hit with a dodgeball. And I cussed…kinda loud…loud enough that everyone around me had heard.
Now, to some or maybe most of you, that’s not a big deal. Cuss words may be a part of your every day language. I won’t lie to you; since I’ve been in college, I’ve said a few here and there when I’m alone or with my closest friends. But I don’t just throw the words around, I say them when expressing something deep, and I definitely don’t use every cuss word in the book. So saying one of those words really loud for people who didn’t really know me to hear really got me flustered.
Even when I apologized for saying what I said, the girls around me forgave me and shrugged it off, saying that things like that happened to everyone.
But just because I was in the heat of the moment, it gave me no right to say what I said. I thankfully hadn’t directed it to anyone, but I still felt this weight of shame on me. Because like I said, I never say things like that in public for people who barely know me to hear.
I’m not trying to be a baby about this. I mean, I am twenty years old. I can talk the way I want to talk. But even then, knowing that my friends, the girls on my hall, and some of my O-Team people were around me…I just felt so convicted. I have always had a sensitive spirit when it comes to things like this, and I obviously still do. But I see it as a good thing.
After the games, I headed back to my room to change so I could be where I am now: work. I was still feeling bad about what I’d said, but everyone was assuring me that I was fine.
At work, I was still thinking about it and was actually telling a friend about how awful I felt, when I looked down at my purity necklace – the one Imy stepdad and mom had gotten from Tiffany’s for me for my 15th birthday – and I realized that Tiffany blue heart that was a part of the key was G O N E. I was and still kind of am upset about it. But as Taylor said, things don’t last forever. And as Pa told me over the phone, just because I’m not wearing that particular necklace that is a symbol of my purity, it doesn’t change who I am. Not to mention, I have another Tiffany’s necklace in my room that I will gladly wear, so I shouldn’t be upset and I shouldn’t complain. It was just so sentimental to me since I’d had it for 5 years.
But it’s okay. I am okay. It was just totally ironic that after I cussed during the dodgeball game, a valuable piece of my purity necklace disappeared.
All of this has got me thinking about purity as a whole. Because purity isn’t just physical. And I began to think more when I remembered what Caylin told us before our first game:
“Sports don’t build character, they reveal it.”
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” – Philippians 4:8.
That’s my sister’s favorite Bible verse,and it totally rings true. Clearly, I said what I said tonight because my mind was not focused on true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable things. And I know now that I will be more careful in what I say, no matter who I am around and no matter what context it is in.
I hope everyone’s having a great week! I’ve got 3 more days ’til SPRING BREAK so REMEMBER: I’ll be doing my annual Spring Break blog series then! Totally excited about that, and I hope you are too! 🙂
Gotta go close up this library for the night! 😉