Beautiful Brokenness with a Side of Humble Pie

Oh my goodness. 


Well, remember when I said that if all of those plans I had for my next post went down the drain, you could look forward to another Sweet Tea post? Well, that plan went down the drain too. 😛 It’s been ONE WHOLE MONTH since my last post! And that’s just crazy to me!

I received an email this past week from one of my readers (thank you so much for that by the way! 🙂 Shout-out to you!!! ), and it has motivated me to write again! Not that I was gonna stop writing in the first place, but you know what I mean…

God has already been teaching me SO MUCH during these first couple of months of my sophomore year. When I step back and look at my life or when someone makes a comment about what’s been happening, not just in my life but in theirs and others around us,  it’s crazy how we can see God’s hand in everything

So, let’s see how much important stuff I can crunch into this one post. I’ll begin with this:

A few weeks ago on a Wednesday (Day of Prayer, actually) I had my breaking point.

It felt like every single thing that had been weighing me down, stressing me out, and worrying me had finally pulled me into this hole and I was completely shattered and broken. I tried to hold it all together like I had for the past couple of weeks, smiling at everyone and giving hugs. I definitely meant the hugs. But the smile was only half-hearted.

And it wasn’t just outside forces that were causing this either. I had caused some of my own pain by hurting other people, and I knew it was wrong. I was so disgusted at myself for doing the things I’d done, and couldn’t believe how much pain I’d caused to people I’d said I loved. 

So there I sat next to my friend, crying my eyes out onto her shoulder. I really dislike crying in front of people. I try to avoid it as much as possible. But this time, the tears couldn’t be held back any longer.
As I cried, I silently prayed to God, “I surrender. I am done with all of this drama, this constant cloud of stress and worry about almost everything, and even more with myself for what I’ve done. Please just take it all away. Let Your will be done, and not mine. And just give me peace and joy through all of this. Let me know that You are there.”

After maybe ten minutes of straight crying and my friend hugging me and telling me that I was loved, she invited me to a student-led worship event that was happening that night. I nodded my head and told her I’d think about coming, but to be honest, my mind was already sort of settled on not going.

But as I walked back to my room, I could feel the Holy Spirit urging me to go. I wrestled with the thought for a bit, but after finding out that some of my friends and girls on my hall were going, I decided to go.

And oh. My. Goodness. I am SO GLAD I went. 

As I stood with my fellow peers, the first notes of “How He Loves” began playing. And as we started singing, the tears came back and couldn’t be stopped, again. My brokenness hurt so much. I felt such a weight in my chest…

…but at the same time…

…I could just feel the Holy Spirit overwhelm my soul. And I was so HUMBLEd as I was reminded of how big God’s love is for me. And how He loved me, even when I messed up. It was such an incredible feeling, I can’t even put it into words.

It wasn’t until later, though, that my friend Ellie (who is the new PFM! Check out the update on the “People Frequently Mentioned” tab!) helped me realize the significance of that Wednesday. I mean, I knew for myself that there was a MAJOR DIFFERENCE in my attitude and air on Wednesday and my attitude and air on Thursday. I woke up Thursday morning, threw on a cute outfit, and went to breakfast happier than I’d been in the past couple of weeks! I waved to a friend of mine, and even he said, “I’m glad you’re back to your perky self again!”

I can’t tell you how amazing I felt. I thank God so, So, SO, SO much for giving me joy and peace again! Everything wasn’t resolved, but I had so much peace. And it took God taking me to such a broken state of being to remember that He is faithful and that He cared for me so much. I was just so HUMBLEd.

Okay, so throughout the next few weeks, I was feeling better. In one chapel I was reminded of how God has chosen me to be a child of His. I did NOTHING to become a Christian, but He chose me out of darkness. And just remembering that HUMBLEd me so much again

But then, you can’t always have perfect days. And even on “perfect” days, there might be a thing or two that didn’t go as planned. 

So anyway, I began to feel very insecure about myself. I know that God made me “fearfully and wonderfully made,” and I know that everyone is attracted to different types of people. But I just felt really discouraged because I felt like I wasn’t attractive enough for anyone to find me beautiful or worthy to be loved. I was always the “cute and adorable Blasian or little sister” or something like that (which, by the way, a totally awesome compliment! I’d just heard it so many times that the value of it began to decrease). 

And so, I struggled with my insecurities for a week or so. It was so easy to be positive about other people, but so hard for me to be positive about myself. My friends (girls and guys) say I am way too hard on myself and that I don’t give myself enough credit.

One night as a guy friend and I sat overlooking the city lights below, I explained my latest struggle. He is such a wise person and a great listener, so it was easy to pour out my heart to him. And after I was finished, he reassured me that God made me special the way I am and that He has a plan for my life that is going to be just amazing. God used him so well that night, and I am so grateful!

After praying together, my friend told me this in a half-joking way: “Well, Mishy, now when you begin to struggle with insecurity again, you just come to this spot and, do you see those three lights back there? You just look at those, and remember our talk.” And honestly, even though he was kidding, I took his advice seriously, and expressed that I would.

And I’ve been doing it ever since. I have claimed that as my spot. And I don’t always go there when I’m struggling with insecurity, but I go there or pass by there and see those three lights every morning, to be reminded of the conversation I had with my friend, but also of the faithfulness of God.

{*HOLD UP!: There was one night when I went to my spot and those three lights weren’t shining and I was FREAKING OUT. Bria claims that I wasn’t looking in the right spot, but I think I’d remember where those lights were! Still had a great experience, though, despite the missing lights!}

And after that night, the next day I was encouraged, but still internally struggling a little with my appearance. And as I went on throughout my day, four people came up to me and told me that I looked beautiful today or that they loved how pretty my hair is. Normally, I get that maybe once or twice in a day. But four times?! That’s WAY too many times for it to be a coincidence. And I give God the honor and glory for that. 

It just floors me how faithful and loving God is. He knew that I was still kind of struggling with my appearance that day and that it would take some verbal encouragement for me to realize that it wasn’t just my close friends who thought I was beautiful inside and out. The fact that He cares enough about that small thing in my life that I needed? I just don’t deserve such love and I am yet again, HUMBLED

{*HOLD UP! #2: have you noticed that my spirit’s been served a HUGE SLICE OF HUMBLE PIE? I know it’s not what is usually meant by the phrase, “I’ve been served a huge slice of humble pie,” but that’s what it’s meant for me these past couple of months and it’s just been so great! :D}

Then, the next couple of weeks were just stressful because of SCHOOL! Throughout my social and spiritual struggles, I still had school to deal with! AHH!!!

And I will admit, I made some poor choices when it came to choosing school or social life or school and sleep. But this weekend, I have made a HUGE step in that I finished ALL of my homework for tomorrow yesterday (Saturday) and I am being kept accountable for my Sabbath by my RA A.K. So today I’ve been “SABBATHIN’!”, and it’s been TOTALLY AWESOME because now I get time to catch up with you all! YAY!!! \(^^)/

…wow.

I think I caught y’all up on everything! Now granted, I didn’t give y’all details about events that have happened like Mountain Affair (a MAJOR talent show here that a lot of my friends were in, and that I stayed in line for 6 hours to see. It was awesome), Burning at the Stage (okay, I stayed for like, 30 minutes because I had a psych test (the next day. So I wouldn’t have had much to tell ya there…), Jazz on the Overlook (I have officially declared this my favorite event of the year! I love to dance around with my friends and eat dessert! :D), and Homecoming (I only went to the Varsity guys soccer game [which we won! 5-1!] and the fireworks [which were amazing as well! Great little moment with some of my closest friends!]). 

And so, after I finish this post, I will probably go get ready to head over to a fellow Balconite’s home for dinner and then after that, I’m going to my friend’s house for her birthday and we’re going to watch the Season 4 premiere of The Walking Dead!!!!! I am SO. PUMPED.

So, yeah guys! Hopefully if my Sabbathin’ schedule goes well, I’ll be able to keep up with my blog more often! But I wanna give a SHOUT-OUT to all those faithful readers out there who have continued to check in on my blog to see if anything new’s been put up! You have NO IDEA how much I appreciate y’all! 

In fact, here’s a *BIG HUG* from me to you!: 

(>^^)>        *<3 ❤ <3*

I love you all!!!!! I hope these past couple of months have been great and that God’s blessed you, not by an easy-going school year or a series of perfect days, but by constantly showing you His deep, deep love and grace through hard lessons and trials (not saying that I wish trials on anyone, but they will inevitably come into our lives, and it’s better to think of them as a way to get closer to our Heavenly Father than “curses” or other pessimistic things!)

And I hope this post wasn’t all over the place. Like I said, I’ll try my best to be more consistent! But my friends weren’t kidding when they said sophomore year of college was one of the hardest and busiest years! (^o^)

You all are WONDERFUL and SUCH A BLESSING TO ME!!! 

LOVE Y’ALL!
*~.Mishy.~* (^^) ❤

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