*SIGH* God just continually keeps breaking me, shaping me, and molding me every day to become more like Him. I’m not saying that it’s easy, because it isn’t. The breaking is painful; my soul aches, my heart breaks, and I feel like I can no longer stand. But He’s been teaching me to humble myself daily and is showing me the great depths of His love and His grace in so many different ways.
Let me be honest: last night, I couldn’t sleep as well as I could have. I continued to have dreams (probably correctly called nightmares) about what I had done and I could feel the shame even as I slept. This morning, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror without sighing deeply and being on the verge of tears. I stand there, ashamed of what I’ve done, feeling regrets about what I’ve done and wondering if what I did to fix everything was the right thing to do. The guilt overtakes my entire body, and I walk to where I need to go, but I feel like a zombie.
In some ways, I feel worse than I did before. Shouldn’t I feel peace, closure, set free? Sure, I guess. But because I can’t forgive myself, I feel like I’m in this endless pit of darkness and I can’t get out. I totally don’t deserve to be forgiven because what I did was wrong.
Above in italics is what I wrote this past Monday. True, I had just encountered some deep conflict (and God knows I HATE conflict!) and I had to admit to some things that I knew I shouldn’t have done.
Everything in my life was a mess. My priorities weren’t straight at all; I wasn’t reading my Bible anymore, I was constantly worrying about everyone and everything, I’d freak out over the smallest problems, I was hardly sleeping…the joy that I had at the beginning of the semester was barely there at all. And did I notice it? No. I kept on going, thinking everything was all right.
But you know, there comes a time where you just can’t take it anymore. And you’re friends have to tell you, “Enough is enough.” Especially when you know you’ve done something wrong and you know if you say something that it’ll create conflict. I wanted to avoid conflict…but I needed to be set free from what I’d done.
As I sat there, waiting to admit what I’d done, a good friend of mine said, “This is closure.” And sure it was….closure with conflict. But conflict that needed to be dealt with head on.
And so, here I am, what, four days from that. And I feel so. much. BEEEETTTTTEEERRR!!!!!! \(^^)/
God has completely changed me in the past few days. I feel so much more JOY in my life. I’m sleeping more, eating better, managing my time better (well, not right now…I should be working on homework. Oops.) I’m just all around doing better than I normally have. And I actually have time for ME. I haven’t had that in a long time.
Do I still feel some awful feelings sometimes? Sure. I’m a human, therefore, I mess up. And even though I’m a perfectionist and cringe at the thought of messing up, I mess up everyday and realize that I will ALWAYS mess up for the rest of my life.
But that’s what makes God’s redeeming love even more *~.AMAZING.~*
At the beginning of the year, I asked God to teach me something every day. Well, He sure is answering that prayer. Every day He is giving me wisdom and showing me how I’m still a broken vessel…but that in Him I am redeemed and loved and cared for. I am His, He is mine.
And something amazing happened.
Last night, what I’d just gone through was seriously just dwelling on my mind. So much that, even though I was in bed by midnight and exhausted from the day, I couldn’t get to sleep. I couldn’t close my eyes without thinking about the past situation that had happened. So, I sat there and prayed this prayer:
“God, You know my heart, my feelings, and my thoughts. I’m having trouble sleeping because of what’s going through my mind right now. I feel like my emotions are overwhelming me. But I know that You’re bigger than that. So, I pray that Your peace would just fill me up. Instead of my feelings overwhelming me, overwhelm me with Your peace and love. I leave my feelings and thoughts at Your feet. Because I know that I cannot deal with it alone.”
And guess what? I woke up this morning, turned my phone on and was immediately reminded of how faithful God is. It was as if He were saying, “I’m here, daughter. I have everything under control.” And I was so glad I had handed over my troubles and worries to Him. Because He truly cares about His children.
SO. MUCH. *~.PEACE!!!!!!!.~* (^^)
Even though the lessons I’m learning are sometimes hard, I’m thankful that God is changing me to be more like Him. And if I have to go through more situations like the one I just encountered, I know it’ll all be worth it.
So much love to y’all!!! ❤ ❤ ❤
The weekend’s almost here!!!
Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say….