“no. 91217”

My hand is outstretched, and my heart hopes you take it.
Sometimes when you do, I feel like I’m standing in a room with a crowd full of people
Completely naked,
And so many things are being thrown at me.
So many questions, comments, complaints, concerns and
I just wanted to share something with you – a lesson
I recently learned in my life.
Our hands held tightly together, I didn’t realize
The commitment
I’d signed up for.
I wasn’t aware that I’d be stripped down to the core of my being,
That piece after piece of me would be taken
With nothing left for myself, it seems.

Yet, this is what I long to do.
I long for you to feel the deep understanding of someone
You have never met. Someone you never knew.
And in this moment, we connect.
But you’ve attempted to trace it back to me
And I’m unsettled…
I don’t want to regret the choice I made
To open myself up.

I only want you to take what I’ve given and
See for yourself how it applies to the
Situations, people, places
In your life.
Don’t look back at me and try to analyze it all.
Please.

I kind of want a piece of me back.
More than one, if that’s okay.
It’s not that I don’t want you to know who I am.
I’d love to get to know you too.
But there’s a line that needs to be drawn, I think,
And whether that’s up to me, or you,
I’m not sure.

Because this is who I am. So do I need to change?
Rearrange the way I give my hand out
So as not to hand out every single part of me?
Maybe space is what I need,
But my goal is to draw you near,
And I fear that if I go too far away
My hand won’t reach you wherever you
Stand, sit, lie, or stay.

But there’s got to be some sort of distance between us.
Yes, there must be.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

“and he lived…”

Maybe I’m just like Belle,
Looking into the eyes of the angry, frightening Beast,
Whom everyone in the village wants to put to sleep
Yet all I can see in you is
Beauty.

They say I’ve just pricked my finger with the thorns of the forbidden rose
You’ve held captive, and claim as your own.
I long to pry it out of your hands,
To give your heart a rest.

Let me take the burden.
Let the villagers trample me
While you collect yourself in your castle.
Take as long as you need;
I know it could be forever.
But I refuse to give up on you.

I refuse.

I know I’m not guaranteed a happy ending,
But that’s okay.

I just need you to be.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

*Do Not Touch*

Day by day, they pass her.
In awe of the beauty she bestows that inspires them to
See the world differently…
Challenges them to do more than they are already doing, to
Actually change the world instead of continuing to simply dream that
They can.

They stop and stare, unaware that she also
Analyzes them.
She hears them exclaim the praise of the artist who made such a figure,
And express their love for her –

A masterpiece…

Bold.
Lovely.
Unique.
Elegant.

She hears these things, and is flattered.
She longs to know more about the spectators who gaze longingly at her,
Who stop to read her.
Who are mesmerized by her presence.

She wants to touch them.

She wants them to touch her…

To feel the soul that hides beneath what they can only see from a distance.
To embrace the warmth of the love for them that she’s held onto for so long.
To be brave enough to step closer, and just…

But anyone who dares to even try, steps back.
Intimidated by her astonishing design they
Never step past that invisible boundary that keeps them
From really understanding her.
From really pursuing her.
From really feeling who she is.

And so, they leave.

And she stands there wondering how they can just walk away
After they said all those things about her and her maker.
After being so close to her, being so touched by her,
They couldn’t take the few steps closer, and just…

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

Changes…in Thought

Last week, I started talking to myself in the car again.

Well, it was mostly praying. I was praying out loud in the car on the way to work, and as I prayed, I noticed the flow of my speech, and honestly, I scared myself in a good way. So much so that I stopped the music on my phone, and turned on my voice recorder, and just started speaking. I spoke everything that was on my heart, and it was so freeing because it was just me in the car; I could say whatever I wanted to say, however I wanted to say it, and not be judged for it.

I wrote a short poem a while back about how I used to think that my thoughts weren’t valuable enough to be heard, read, or written. I used to think that the way I thought about the world was immature and naive, so I just stayed silent. Not that I think my thoughts are constantly flowing with wisdom now; I know that I still have a lot to learn about the world.

But hearing myself speak about what I was thinking and praying about that morning – it opened up a whole new avenue for me. Yes, writing will always be my main outlet, but speaking has really become a major part of who I am as well. And hearing me just speak thoughts that came to my mind – thoughts that the Lord allowed for me to have – it blew my mind. It rocked my world.

There have always been moments when I think a thought, and I tell myself, “Ahh, I cannot wait to write that down!” And once I get a free moment, or I’m home, the thought is forgotten.

So, I am changing the way I handle my thoughts. When I first began writing more, I did better at writing ideas and thoughts down so as not to forget them. Nowadays, it’s harder for me to remember mostly everything because my mind is going a mile a minute, and I feel like my skill of multitasking is fading.

But I hope that as I continue to find the quieter, slower moments in my day, I am able to slow down, and process the thoughts I have. And hopefully be able to write more thoroughly about them instead of waiting last minute to write about things!

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

Changes…in Speech

A couple of weeks ago, I was reading my Bible, and as I was reading through a few chapters of Proverbs, several verses focused on speech, language, the lips, the mouth, and the tongue…(all verses are taken from the English Standard Version)

From Proverbs 15…

“The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.” –  verse 2 

“A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” – verse 4

“The lips of the wise spread knowledge; not so the hearts of fools.” – verse 7

From Proverbs 16…

“Righteous lips are the delight of a king and he loves him who speaks what is right.” – verse 13

“The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips.” – verse 23

“Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.” – verse 24 

From Proverbs 17…

“Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.” – verse 27

From Proverbs 18…

“The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.” – verse 4

And honestly, these references got me thinking about convictions I’d been thinking about for a while about the way I speak – the words I use, why I use them, what exactly is considered “perverse speech,” what is acceptable/unacceptable to say, what is slander?

I feel like I’ve heard before that in the Bible when it talks about “perverse speech,” it means mostly saying the Lord’s name in vain. Don’t quote me on that though…I’m not exactly sure.

As for slander, well, that’s talking about other people – gossiping, bringing people down. I can’t say that I never do those things, because I’d be lying.

Another thing I will be honest about: as I’ve gotten older, I’ve been using more cuss words when I speak, mostly among my peers, and a lot more so when I’m alone muttering under my breath, or when I’m frustrated about something. Instead of skipping the cuss words in songs, I sing them out boldly. And this all began about a year ago after so many songs that described the way I was feeling were released, and they all had cuss words in them. I justified singing them because using the profanity just made it seem more powerful; it validated how passionate my emotions were.

It also doesn’t help that all my friends were / are using cuss words too. There was a point in which one of my friends and I decided to stop cussing, and I was happy I wasn’t the only one who wanted to strive to speak better. But lately, I’ve slipped back into it.

Some of you may be thinking…

Mishy…You’re An Adult…

Yeah, I know that, and society says that once you hit a certain age (which is even younger than twenty-one honestly…more like sixteen these days…maybe younger), using certain words is acceptable. At least in American culture. Many cuss words used in America are normal, every day words in other countries. Maybe even in different parts of America they’re used differently. Anyways we won’t get into that.

But cussing is just the way most young people talk; it’s the way this generation speaks to each other. Using those words just places emphasis on everything.

Something I’ve realized is that people from my generation and younger exaggerate a lot. We place emphasis on things that are truly so basic. We are all “hella extra” and proud (I admit, I am an extra person in some ways…). So we think it’s okay to use language that expresses all of these things.

But words like damnshit, the f-word that had such harsh meanings years before now basically mean nothing these days it seems. Or they’re words that replace verysooops, etc. We’ve neutralized them into just being filler words to add dramatic effect, sometimes to equally dramatic situations, but sometimes not so much.

Using words like this shouldn’t be a defining characteristic of what makes you an adult, or cool or whatever else people thinks it makes them. I’ve heard twelve-year-olds use these words, and have had to stop and wonder where in the world they heard that from. But truly, they are everywhere, being used by mostly everyone.

I know you’re probably thinking I’m dissecting this way too much; why do I care so much about the words I use? Why can’t I just stop cussing, move on, and not blog about it? Well, for one, it’s content soooo…

Another thing is that words are so powerful. So powerful. I mean, people get their feelings hurt every day, how? Words. Decisions are made using words. Words play a huge role in life. And as a now preschool teacher, I definitely need to watch what I say so as not to influence the little ones I teach in terrible speech (oo, you read that rhyme in there?).

But it’s not just because I teach two-year-olds. Words are such a big deal to me personally. They’re what I want my career to be based off of. They’re a part of my major dream as a writer and spoken word artist. I have a whole site based on a mantra that “Your words matter,” yet I’m slinging words around in my every day speech as if I truly don’t believe that. As if the words I use don’t have some affect or display of the knowledge and wisdom within my mind. As if they don’t have the power to heal, to influence, to give delight to someone because I am speaking what is right.

Never have I ever felt the need to use cuss words or anything like that in my writing, be it blogging or spoken word. I feel like as a writer and speaker, valuing the integrity of my words is a major part of who I am and what I do. Am I saying that other writers who choose to use words like the ones I’ve mentioned do not stand for the value of words? No, of course not. As writers themselves, they choose how and what words can be used to express their feelings and thoughts about their perspective of the world. I’m not here to judge other writers and the words they use, I’m here to evaluate myself, and how I feel about the words I am using.

And I strive to be a person that people look at, and don’t have to question whether or not it’s okay for their child or their loved one who is more sensitive to the use of words, to read or hear what I have to say. Again, I’m not saying everyone is wrong for using cuss words. However, I am saying that maybe it is wrong for me to use them.

So, I am now in the process of changing my speech; of being more aware of what I say, and how I say it. I want whatever I say and write to be pleasing to God, and I just feel like not using certain words is my personal way of doing that. That, plus also lessening the gossiping; I’ve written a blog post previously about not talking negatively about people. I have a specific event every Monday (#MotivationalMishyMondays) on Instagram live that aims to encourage and build people up. What would it be like if those same people who came to that live heard me talking smack about someone while I was at work, or out with a friend? It’s so difficult to not gossip because it’s so easy to do, and everyone does it. Everyone. It’s still a challenge for me to lessen it, and stop altogether, but I want to strive to do so.

I’m going to end with the main Bible verse I use when I think about my writing and my speaking…

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” – Psalm 19:14 (ESV)

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

Changes…in Work

This week is training week at the preschool I’ll be teaching a two-year-old class in this upcoming year. As I sat there thinking about this new position and the work I’ve been doing since I graduated college, I realized that it a year ago at this point in my life, I was just starting an internship back home that would last three months, and give me time to decipher what in the world I was going to do.

And here I am training for a new job again; a job I never expected to be in, if I’m honest. I’m simultaneously nervous and excited about the potential that this new year holds. The similarities and differences in the job I’m currently in and the job I had last year are so interesting to me.

Both jobs involved me using my creativity; granted in different ways for different purposes. But I’m grateful that the Lord has placed me in positions in which I can utilize the creative side of my brain that I’ve been so attached to for most of my life. At my last job, there sometimes seemed to be some mindless work, but where I am now, I feel like I have the opportunity to really stretch myself creatively, and maybe even teach the kids in my class about creativity too.

I think it always blows my mind to think about where I am in comparison to a year ago. The change is unreal; you never know where you could be in a year’s time. It’s unreal, but it’s exciting – the potential and possibilities are endless. And seeing the differences between then and now, it makes me realize how unafraid I should really be.

There’s always a fear of the future for most people; a fear of the unknown. Where will be next week, next month, a few months from now, a year? Time continually moves on, and things are constantly happening within that time. What am I doing within that time to get me to a place I’m content with a year from now?

I guess I just want to make sure that, even though where I am work-wise is a good place, and I’m content and satisfied, that I am still pursuing the things I’m passionate about, so that maybe in a year I’ll be closer to my dreams than I am now. There’s nothing wrong with where I am right now; I just yearn for more, and am praying the Lord will give me the wisdom and motivation to be obedient, and take the steps to be where He needs me to be.

A lot has happened in a year. And I’m willing to work in this next year to see where I am a year from now.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨

Changes…in Places.

Today…was an adventure.

I don’t think you guys know this, but soon, the lease I have with my current apartment will be ending, so I need a new place to live. I’m trying to live with one of my best friends from college, who is already looking for places so she can move in as soon as possible. So today, she said she found a place that looked perfect – she said it looked like something she’d always envisioned living in with a really good friend. After seeing the pictures and hearing the price, I was excited to check it out.

After work, we hopped in her car, and drove towards the house. But while we were in traffic, my friend got a text from the house-viewing contact, saying that the property was sold. I can’t even express the frustration my friend had; she’s been hopping from house to house for a minute, and is just looking for some stability. But right after the text about the property being sold, the contact texted her again, saying there was another place available, and he sent us the address. So, we began making our way there, even though it was in an area we didn’t want to rent in. More and more, my friend and I were getting frustrated at this guy for stringing us along, telling us to go from this place to that.

We finally started driving a good fifteen to twenty minutes out, ready to see any house at that point, and hoping we’d meet this guy who’d been telling us to go from one place to another. But when we finally reached our destination, no one was there. The house looked pretty nice from the outside, and there was a note posted on the front door.

My friend walked up to the door to read the sign, and try to put in the combination (0000) into the door lock. But of course, the combination didn’t work. So, my friend decides to call the property company number that’s on the sign, and we find out that the number she’s been texting is not at all associated with that management company.

And while my friend was on the phone, a Lyft van drives up and parks right behind our car, and I honestly start to panic a little after no one exits it for a few minutes.

Despite the disappointment of being scammed on a house, we were able to setup a viewing of an apartment tomorrow, and that at least made me feel more at ease about today’s crazy misadventure.

But maybe it wasn’t a misadventure at all. Who knows, maybe the apartment we got a viewing for tomorrow will be the one, and maybe it won’t.

As we drove back towards home to the sound of MAX’s “Lights Down Low,” we passed by all the different landmarks of our journey of life in Chattanooga so far – the pink building with green === that Caylin used to live in. The Camphouse, a coffee house we would frequent regularly in the winter time to work on our music and writing. The public library, where I would got every Saturday morning to edit videos for the vlog I was never able to really shape. Good ole City Cafe, one of the best places open 24-hours a day that provides good, greasy food, and giant delicious cakes. And finally, the Convention Center, where we graduated from college almost two years ago.

“Cause, baby, we’re just reckless kids
Trying to find an island in the flood.”

Even though that line in the song is meant in a different way, it fit perfectly with the current situation – just two girls trying to find some sort of stability within a crazy time of life. Things are changing – the summer season is starting to set. Our job is beginning its own transition. Our living situation is unforeseeable. Seeing all of those landmarks caused me to feel such a major nostalgia, and I wondered where our next landmark would be.

Our small detour today was inconvenient, for sure. And even though I can be more positive because I still have a solid place to live for one more month, I do have faith that God is going to provide something. I don’t know what it is, where it is, or what it looks like. But I know it’s going to be exactly what we need.

#MishyWrites 🦋✨